BREAD of life from Heaven; your blood and body given. We eat this bread and drink this cup until you come again. I remember being 15. Like it was yesterday. I remember my mom tiredly telling me it was time for lunch. Again. I immediately […]
Today my mind is
Therapy homework and Bible study and readings and tests and learn Starbucks drinks and Sunday School lesson plans and choreograph 5 dances and eat well and go to dance class and prayer is most important and be happy and smiley and organize the house and wear the best clothes and remind Johnny how much you love him and prioritize friends and family and upkeep the blog and your physical health
I’ve been ignoring the fact, I think l, that I am burning out. For days, I have no choice but to be GO-go-go from the moment I wake up (I always wake with at least an hour and a half for prayer and time with the Lord and in the Word), to the moment I hit the pillow. It’s caused me to usually have to stay up until 2am or later to do homework. Last night I sleep walked to the shower and while showering half-conscious realized that I actually needed a shower… my brain had been racing in my sleep.
Ever since I can remember, I have been this girl that needed to do everything. When I was a preteen, before the development of any disordered eating I cried if I got less than an A- on anything. I was on every possible club. I was go-go-go.
My councillor suggests that when I developed disordered eating, it was an excuse to be “doing something” rather than thinking about the dark stuff of my subconscious. I now happen to think she’s quite right.
Lord, may I BREAK before you.
In these times when the enemy directed my attention to what would harm me rather than to breaking before my Saviour in one messy, I NEED YOU. ONLY YOU.
The reality is, I love being busy and productive. It’s a good thing, and the Lord has confirmed so much of what I’m doing as good in His name, as good for His Kingdom.
Jesus, may I give to YOU every piece of me, my life simply an offering to You.
This messy me? Where does it fit?
Where does my need to appear collected, to appear “perfect” come from?
For as long as I can remember, that has seemed so important.
Be perfect. Which means doing
Which means a blog that is just recipes and none of this haphazard content.
But the reality is I feel called to this haphazard content……
What is this……
Because life is in the little things.
The broken moments eating porridge and drinking coffee in bed when everything breaks down // this am.
the grief, the loss, the pain // a little later this am.
The epiphany *THANKS BE TO GOD* I need you, Jesus Christ.
Lunch that I didn’t think I was capable of eating (cuz me in submission to the enemy, wasn’t. Christ in me, yeah) // this aft.
Smiling so big in the middle of a lecture hall because I’m so love. With Jesus, with my best friend Johnny, with the family He blessed me with, with the people I’m surrounded by, but more than anything with the promise of His Kingdom come for His goodness // now.
That, that is real life. Monday I’ll share a vegan ice cream cake recipe with you (of my own for lil sissy’s bday, we’ll see how this goes). But today I have been a bit of a mess, and erm, that’s ok.
Voices that say:
- You’re not going to eat anything tomorrow so that you can drink alcohol (I’m having people over for my bday).
- You have to do an hour of intense cardio every day.
- You must focus all your attention on ensuring it looks like you’re doing better, but that you don’t actually gain any weight.
Let’s turn these thoughts around.
- You are going to eat tomorrow so that you have energy to have a good night with your friends. You don’t need to starve yourself to drink alcohol.
- You don’t have to do anything. Cardio is also the worst way to get your period back, and that is priority for your body right now.
- Every piece of you is identified in Christ. He is where your meaning is.
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” JEREMIAH 17:7-8
Hello All! “The reality of the Lord’s presence, now and forevermore, outshines any fantasy you could ever imagine.” –Jesus Calling I woke up this morning at my dear second family’s house with Maddie saying Happy Birthday and tons of beautiful well wishes on social media. […]
There is hypocrisy involved in being judgmental and demanding a strict account of others. This attitude denotes a failure to see one’s own need for mercy and forgiveness. –Anna Case-Winters on Matthew 7:1-5 This weekend, at Thanksgiving dinner, my dear friend and sister in Christ […]
How much He wants us… how much He clearly pursues our hearts… isn’t that overwhelming?
Tonight I went for dinner with a girl named Jacqueline. And I felt like I met my soul sister in her.
The past few days have been a source of stress for me, in a few ways. Sick and infected and injured, feeling blocked from producing His righteousness around my family… NEEDING my Father. And my Father, of course, knew far more what I NEEDED than I.
Last night, on a whim, Maddie and I went to Creekside church for a worship night. For humbled worship and a life-giving word on the fact that “it’s not about what we do, but who we’re doing it for.” In submission to His Spirit, I’m going to be living life for Him and recognizing His Holy self as the ultimate source of truth and love.
In the process, I ran into SEVERAL beautiful friends of mine… Jess, a girl I worked with only briefly at Starbucks before she moved but became close to… her friend, Catherine, another Starbucks barista and Catherine’s brother Kevin, who I’ve had such godly conversations with… twice. And even a few people from my high school. I chatted with the pastor after the service as well. Again having such genuine conversation was so welcomed in my heart, and Maddie and I had the opportunity as well.
Today, meeting with Jacqueline– a girl who is a friend of the magnificent and often talked about on my blog JOSEE, who is a friend of my wonderful boyfriend JOHNNY– felt like reconnecting with a long long sister.
Oneness in Spirit is the only way to summarize it. And man, I am looking forward to more times with this beautiful girl!
I feel so blessed and as I continue to be in communion with the Father He continually directs my writing and blogs to sharing these good works of His… I’ll have a thought that, Oh, next blog post I’ll share a recipe or talk somewhat about food or godly eating in some sense but the Spirit is urging otherwise in, There is a time and place and this isn’t it. You’re not wise in a headstrong place in that regard right now and indeed share the help you receive in my name but the food part, I don’t fully have you there right now. I love you and I’m here but continue to give this up to me.
So for now, in my ramblings on this little page– tonight, anyway– I felt called to share this GOOD NEWS in my awakened sense of His pursuing me and seeking me out, teaching and nurturing my heart since I was a little girl that He, my Lord and Saviour is the source of all passion… my reason for life… who I continually give myself over to. And tonight, at least, I don’t have desire to write about too much else…
We may have those 10 seconds of worry, but there is always peace. In knowing He’s great. He has a plan and He is all-powerful. Nothing surprises Jesus Christ. Not that, I’m all good, He loves me no matter what so I’ll just do whatever I want, but that, I’m all good! He has SHOWN me He loves me NO MATTER WHAT– woah– and so in knowing that I am weak and He is STRONG, I have no desire but to serve and submit myself to His will in all that I do!
In my Romantics class, we’re studying the brilliant William Blake. I say brilliant because each work of his that I read I am floored. There is heavy Biblical reference, Holy Spirit voicing and harrowing poetic accounts of the devil’s work. All in the 1700s, as […]
Hello!Today has been a day of errands.
I got to sleep in until about 9am and studied John 15 until about 10am. I have studied this chapter tons of times and should maybe head to new things before repeating what I’ve already studied, but I feel brought back to this chapter so often.
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
I took my time and put care in to a breakfast that I knew needed to fuel me for hours. I made hot oatmeal with a pinch of sea salt and cinnamon in it. While it was cooking, I threw a frozen banana and some blackberries in the blender with ice, water, and mocha hemp protein (20g protein!), whizz whizz whizz, creamy and thick nice cream😍. The smoothie went on top of the oats with remaining protein, berries, and sunflower seed butter. Perfection.
Following breakfast, I made final touches to the cleaning of my room and prepared for my day, after a photo shoot of my brekkie of course, touched up the blog and spent time in prayer. Noon rolled around quickly and I steamed some organic veggies– carrots, broccoli, and zucchini– for lunch alongside a cup of coffee.
I headed out to the Drive Test place to pick up a new study book and sign things for my courses. Next stop was the mall, where I got some numbers and ideas of different phone plans as I need to switch to a reasonable plan! I did it all in time before meeting Daniella for coffee at Starbucks. I got her to try double blended iced coffee and she loved it– that’s what I had too, but unsweetened and with soy milk. Daniella is truly my best friend and I have been so affected by her compassion and grace since the moment I met her.
I picked up a few random things (namely mustard and protein powder), before heading to the meeting for the additional community centre I’m teaching dance at. It is a much more organized place than the one I’ve been teaching at for a few years, which gave me a lot of ideas for organization in the future. The coordinator who hired me is a DOLL– she guessed who I was, cared about each of the new instructors, and took her time offering help and answering questions. Beautiful heart! I headed home where I was HUNGRY for dinner. I was going to make some pasta, but reeeally felt like my breakfast from the morning, so I made a similar version, but no protein powder and no berries. It hit the spot perfectly, alongside a cup of peach tea!
My sister Krystal is sleeping over tonight, and we just finished an incredible, Holy Spirit-led talk with Mary, which was so good. Tomorrow is my first day of class this new semester and I pray it’s going to be good! I’m excited about my English courses and expectant in what Jesus needs to do.
Hi Friends! Today I am still under the weather. Today I am lacking energy and “umph.” Today I praise God. Every day I praise God! “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives his life for the sheep.” JOHN 10:11 Jesus says sanctification comes […]