Hi Friends! Something that has so bothered me lately is how I used to feel I could glorify and worship God through working out. I loved running, I loved movement, I loved dance– until its only purpose became “how many calories am I burning?” I […]
For food is for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy both one and the other. 1 CORINTHIANS 6:13
Last night I was brought to some of the most extensive and revealing prayer of my life. As God changed my heart and opened my eyes in timing that I have so much clarity in now.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet he did not sin. HEBREWS 4:15
Last night, I studied and caught up with my beautiful friend Beth. We talked all about her engagement and where God is moving in our lives and what we’re learning. The Lord convicted my heart so much through our conversations in unshakable ways.
When I came home, Johnny and I had been casually texting and out of nowhere our conversation became something much more serious but so good in reckoning the reign of victory Jesus already has over this eating disorder, and all sin and struggles. This victory is in a beautiful life and death that already happened. Victory is at the cross by His beautiful grace. Johnny lovingly reminded me that I cannot continually give something up to God and think that’s it, because a struggle that is truly layed at the altar can only be done once. Because God is the one who works and pours grace through it, and tapping into the freed life that He already has for me for His sake is the biggest and overarchingly important movitation in healing from this. God didn’t design this disorder, God doesnt want me to live in fear but only in happiness. Johnny reminded me of this when I pointed out, Sometimes I feel as if what the disorder says is good. Because there’s nothing wrong with healthy eating, right?
In all my convictions and just conversing with God and praying and praying I could not stop. I watched sermons, spent time in the Word and He is so good He brought me to all this and woke me up so aware of His presence. I studied 1 Corinthians before getting up to make breakfast.
I didn’t want to think much and so I just made a big serving of oatmeal with cacao peanut butter and apple slices.
I ate and prayed over my meal and prayed over others and felt so much joy and peace.
I went to my morning Bible class, which was wonderful. My prof is such a kind lady and cares so much about her students and lessons. I really enjoyed the class. Afterwards, I went to a school study lounge for a few hours and got actually quite a bit of studying and work on papers done before praying and watching more sermons. I hadn’t thought much about restricting all morning, and when I did, I prayed about it and allowed God to work to bring me to the task at hand. But I became quite hungry, and I acted on it right away, heading home to make lunch.
Maddie texted me on my way home asking if I was going to be home soon, that she hoped we could talk. She knows that I get nervous and often completely shut down when I’m eating or making food, and so I prayed all the way home for His intercession and Spirit to move in me that I might cook my meal while talking to Maddie in Christ, therefore without fear.
And I did. I also snacked on celery with peanut butter while talking to her. And our conversation was so incredible, as they always are. Maddie vented for a bit about some of her struggles and I listened and we bounced off each other, prayed, and arrived in Christ at the conclusion that He is so good and His timing impossibly brilliant. How He brings different situations together for His glory and for the healing of different people based on their situations is just how He works, the amazing God we get to serve.
For lunch I had a medium cooked egg and cucumber+peanut butter on two pieces of barley raisin bread. It was so good, and I prayed over it again, and ate it happily.
Maddie and I headed back to the school in the early afternoon to meet our friends Bethany and Michele to catch up and study, which was so nice, and again I got good work done. My Bible class final is an assignment overviewing the entire Bible, and so my homework gets to be just immersion in the Word which is pretty wonderful.
Another 3 hours of studying and I headed back home for dinner. I put on some worship music, prayed over all sorts of aspects of life and the world and loved ones and situations, not just over the food, although I did that too. While I was cooking, I was reminded of how good a cook I used to be. I used to naturally throw things together with such an ebb and flow, and recently don’t even recognize my own cooking because for myself, I don’t even try. Tonight, I braided a cod fillet and then cooked it up in chicken stock with lemon zest, lemon juice, garlic powder, mustard powder, and oregano plus salt and pepper. I simmered that for a while with broccoli and mushrooms until it was all tender and the fish flaked and got a bit crispy. I was going to make rice but didn’t really feel like it, so I added a chicken breast to the meal (2 meats in one meal!) and a big carrot chopped up. I took my zinc tablet (I’m deficient; this should regulate my appetite which used to scare me but nope), thanked God for the meal, and ate it, surprised by the unfamiliar but good taste. Wow.
After dinner, I stretched, watched some vlogmases, choreographed routines for the classes I teach tomorrow, studied some more, read a bit, threw in some laundry, talked to Johnny.
I have so many incredible people in my life who have walked alongside me and that I pray I walk alongside with the same Christ-like grace. I want to praise God in this moment for His incredible, insurmountable work in Johnny and I through this distance. Johnny hasn’t seen me since August, but his position in Christ gives him more the words and understanding than ever of my situation. Our communication is something we value so much and have grown in so much. I am so blessed by this man that I am so in love with and whose patience, humour, and love are some of my favourite things in the world. God gets all the glory for how good our relationship has been and continues to be, in all its challenges and triumphs racing toward God the centre.
Tonight, I knew I should eat a snack. I ate a bowl of almond milk yogurt with peanut butter and a dash of cinnamon and just relaxed with it. My stomach feels so full right now but I know how good this is. I can feel the nourishment to my body. I can feel the devil squirming.
And I rejoice in Jesus’ victory.
And we also thank God continually because, when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as a human word, but as it actually is, the word of God, which is indeed at work in you who believe. 1 THESSALONIANS 2:13
Posted late due to technical difficulties. Hi All! For one of my English classes, “The Fairy Tale,” I got to write a “spinoff” fairytale changing the moral and characters, and I wanted to share it on the blog– and there just so happen to be […]
Today, I was challenged to forgo oatmeal of any kind.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
This morning, on my blog, I mentioned this challenge, but I didn’t mention who challenged me.
Because it was me! More accurately, the Word. More accurately, the Lord. Because in prayer today I had this revelation that will seem so common sense and strange to all of you but what to me was actually pivotal: Um, I don’t just have to eat oats and bodies have run off other foods thank you very much.
Now, I have also learned that there’s nothing wrong with having a standard go-to breakfast. Food shouldn’t be emphasized at the very same time as it shouldn’t be feared. But that is the point: it has been both emphasized and feared in my life.
And so I ventured into uncharted waters, brewed my morning coffee (note: that is a ventured water 100%), and toasted two pieces of barely toast and had them with two hard boiled eggs for breakfast… and I enjoyed it.
I can say that I ate this with no fear. In fact, with a smile.
I got ready for class and headed out the door with Mary and Maddie to our Wednesday AM Bible class, which was great as usual. After class, I went to the school library for a few hours where I worked on papers and ate a snack of a quest protein bar.
I headed home for a late lunch, where I also got to catch up with Maddie. I talked with her in the kitchen and munched on big carrots and was able to focus on our conversation without worry. Praise the Lord! For lunch along with the carrots I made a biiig bowl of goat’s Milk yogurt with pb2, and I had organic chicken sausage. Weird cravings, but chalk full of macronutrients. And I can genuinely say that they were cravings, and I enjoyed the food. It all left me very full, though. And I know this means I need to keep increasing!
I headed back to the library to meet my beautiful friend Jacqueline, and we caught up over tea before studying together. I can honestly say that I have never related to a person’s brain more than Jacqueline’s in my entire life. In spirituality, maturity, sense of humour, quirks, drive, we are so similar and often say the exact same things over top of each other. It’s one of the coolest and most wonderful friendships ever and I’m so grateful for her. She entirely made my day today!
I headed back home to make dinner before dance. I was going to stay on campus, as I had this tiny voice saying just skip dinner, but nope nope nope, not this girl.
I wanted to have oats. The disorder wanted me to have oats, rather. I thought I was going to have oats, but I didn’t.
I made my new homemade recipe for chickpea sweet potato soup. It hit the spot and also really filled me up! Again, I know I need to keep getting used to food.
Food is for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy both one and the other.
Today in scrolling through my old blogs, I found a #WIAW from the first day I ever talked to Johnny, almost exactly one year ago. Haven’t been plugged in that long? Check it out here.
When I was eating dinner tonight, the Lord put something so massive on my heart: I haven’t been praying for meals. Before I eat, sure I thank Him somewhat, but I don’t truly sit down and take the time to listen to His Spirit and allow Him to fill me. When I’m not faced with food, it’s so much easier for me to fix my eyes on Him… but He is equally present when I’m eating. Ah, the devil just thinks he’s taken over when food is present. This is not okay with me.
Thank-you, Lord, for nourishment. For food that I know is a blessing but that the devil doesn’t want me to see as such. Fill me with your Spirit, Heavenly Father, that I might see this more through Your eyes and approach food with a Kingdomly mind. Amen.
I am off to dance class now to unwind, and later tonight for tea with a wonderful friend, Emily, who texted me this:
Morning Blessing: May the Holy Spirit detoxify your soul! May He show you what needs to go so He can strengthen you for the road ahead. May you get a glimpse of His plan for you; just enough to inspire you to make the necessary changes, take the necessary steps, and grab a firm hold of His promises. May you be willing to do something different so you’ll be ready and equipped for this next place of promise. He’s got a new chapter ahead for you. May you care enough about your story to leave the lesser things behind. You’re so precious and important to Him! Blessings on your day today.
Happy Happy Thursday friends! I’m always so busy on Thursdays. Today, my younger sister graciously taught my dance classes and filled in for me so I could spend some quality time on papers. I was able to get a lot done and ultimately was so […]
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace. ACTS 20:24
Johnny and I had a wonderful talk last night about some tough stuff but that was just wonderful because of Christ.
Solidifying a lot of what I already know and what had been on my heart a lot.
All of ME WANTS to be all the Lord’s. WANTS and desires Christ’s full Spirit, everything He has. The enemy has worked to block some of that off. That doesn’t mean that the Lord can’t completely in one second obliterate that– He can, oh man of course He can, He can do ALL things and far greater things. But His will is often in processes, and He provides resources, support through His Spirit that should of course be prayed on, and endless compassion.
This morning when I woke I did more study in Acts before my awesome Bible class.
I always wake up really early, as I love mornings, I eat breakfast in bed every day (kind of my thing) with coffee in a cozy sweater doing my study. The temp in my house is always just right… and waking up extra early is my only chance in the day that doesn’t have scheduled work. This has been a wonderful thing, as the enemy often whispers, You’re disgusting. How could you choose to wake up earlier JUST to eat breakfast? You could easily skip it.
But I choose to wake up early through my Lord Jesus because I need time with Him, specifically just with Him. Because He requires that, at a very minimum, of me. And it is the best part of the day in many ways.
Any way, this morn I made my coffee humming worship music and made a big breakfast: giant amount of oats with peanut butter, cacao, chopped apple and banana. I also chomped on another carrot (see yesterday’s post) I think because the victory was what had tasted so good.
Maddie, Mary and I headed off to our 9am Bible class, which was great and so informative as usual. I love this prof!
Maddie, Mary and I had great talks and just enjoyed each other’s company all morning. After class, I had just a little window before heading to work. I packed a giant chopped cucumber with peanut butter, and ate it before work with a soy cappuccino for obviously just a small lunch. I’ve been finding that having such small amounts of time to make food leaves me panicky and therefore often more succeptible to eating less– I have been making up for it, though. I drank plenty of tea through the shift, which was so wonderful today! I always love being at work and the opportunities for communicating with people.
After my shift, I headed home knowing I needed dinner and feeling hungry for it! I have so much in me that feels like a GOOD source that really just wants to be stronger. Knows I need to be and knows that means resting for now SO THAT I’m able to work out again.
I made dinner when I got home with only a bit of time to eat it; I had some of a sweet potato, chicken, and broccoli and green beans, knowing I’d need more before bed. But heading to dance class straight away, I was very full and uncomfortable. Increasing my food has needed to be slow and steady, but I am working to full recovery amounts and will soon be doing so with the help of a doctor as well.
Dance class was great, and I am working so intently on regaining some flexibility! My wonderful friend Laura is in the class and she always instantly brightens me.
On my walk home from dance, an old man was standing at a corner in the freezing cold with a bubble machine blowing bubbles. I smiled my head off as I popped a few, so encouraged by the man’s grace and lightness. “You have a beautiful smile!” He said, “That’s why I do this– because people should smile more!” It was so wonderful. I smiled all the way home and ate my snack— a bowl of full fat (!!!) goats milk yogurt with peanut butter. And a cheeky vanilla rooibos tea😉.
I have tons of studying to do all night, but not before Maddie and I sat together in prayer for each other, for wisdom, and I love witnessing the Lord growing her, steadfast that she has the words and is so intent on knowing Him and in prayer. Thank-you, Lord, for Maddie. Thank-you for this home that is yours. Thank-you for food and all your victories today.