faith, freedom, food

Tag: #healing

Having My Bridal Shower Cake… and Eating It, Too

Having My Bridal Shower Cake… and Eating It, Too

Here’s what they don’t tell you about eating disorders: They’re usually pretty innocent at first. An endeavour to “be healthier.” When my restrictive illness first developed when I was fifteen, I never would have considered that I might still be terrified of white flour and […]

Childhood Chicken Fried Rice

Childhood Chicken Fried Rice

Raise your hand if you were a picky eater as a kid. (I’m raising my hand). I was the PICKIEST of the picky. I could count the number of foods I was happy eating on both hands (well, both hands if you’ll allow me to […]

My Ear Piercing Disaster, Redeemed.

My Ear Piercing Disaster, Redeemed.

Yup. I’m a 21 year old Canadian female and only just recently got my ears pierced.

And then… un-pierced. And the whole debacle is what led to some leaps in my physical recovery from eating disorders, and a greater understanding of my personal identity.

Excessive? Allow me to explain.

I grew up with two sisters, and remember each of them getting their ears pierced. In fact, I remember each of them begging my mom to allow them to get their ears pierced at quite young ages.

But when my mom asked me if I ever wanted to get mine pierced, my answer, a few times over, was no. I just didn’t see the point in getting a needle put in my ears so that I could put jewelry in them. It just seemed like unnecessary efforts.

I’ve never been extremely opposed to the idea of having ear piercings, and definitely not to that of having piercings in general– I do, after all, have my belly button pierced. So when my friend Brooke and I went to get pedicures a few weeks ago and I noticed that the place did ear piercings for just $15 with free earrings, I thought, Why not?

Now, in hindsight, and after talking to a few friends afterward, I realize the question I really should have been asking when I saw that the piercing AND earrings together cost 15$ was Why?

In any case, I really liked the piercings for about a week after having them. They were easy to get used to, and easy to clean. I cleaned them thoroughly with warm salt water three times per day.

After about a week, though, I noticed the infection starting, and it only worsened over the next several days.

My dear friend, also known as my “soulmate” Bethany zeroed in on the infection the moment she saw me, and insisted upon taking me to Shoppers Drug Mart to get the appropriate products to fix it. I was incredibly grateful; I had not known what to do, especially with my go-to ailment-healer away at the cottage (my mom, of course).

And so, I set out to use the solution three times per day as Bethany had instructed, but soon realized that the infection was already too advanced. It would definitely require more serious care.

I decided to go to a walk-in clinic, where I was prescribed both a topical cream, and an antibiotic, by a patient doctor with a kind smile. The antibiotic was to be taken 4 times per day, with a decent meal each time.

It was when I realized how difficult it was for me to eat four large meals per day that I turned to prayer, confused.

I’m a “six small meals a day” kind of person, and this antibiotic did NOT work with snacks. If I didn’t have enough food with it, I noticed instantly that I had a horrible stomachache afterwards.

The last full update I did about eating disorder recovery is here.

After writing this one, I told myself that I would not qualify myself to give advice on my own experiences with recovery until I had gotten at least three periods in a row. I’ve experienced in the past “feeling” so educated on the topic of the recovery– and, from a knowledge-perspective, I am– but without having the success displayed in my own life.

So when I realized that the prospect of eating enough food at a time to make four large meals per day was mentally a little bit daunting, my reaction that of was fear and doubt.

Had I slipped back into more old habits than I’d realized?

I’ve spent a lot of this past week and a half reflecting on and praying about the previous year that I spent working at a health-food cafe.

I’ve already spoken about it to myself, and to some friends and family, and I don’t like to say it but acknowledging it was step one: some circumstances of the past year have triggered some old thought patterns which *sometimes* lead to old disordered behaviours.

That, and the reality that I could still relate so much to this video made me realize that “diet culture” had probably had its way with me more than I had previously admitted.

And, of course, my God and His timing? Sooo paramount.

The LORD your God will drive out those nations before you, little by little. You will not be allowed to eliminate them all at once, or the wild animals will multiply around you. DEUTERONOMY 7:22

I’ve had to take this antibiotic and learn to be okay with eating four big meals a day (and snacks, too, if I want them) during my couple weeks off after leaving my job in the health food industry, and before starting my new one as a writer.

There has been an INCREDIBLE amount of healing during this time that I didn’t even know I needed. I plan to share more about the key areas of healing that God has revealed to me through prayer, time in the Word, and those around me. Removing myself from lies that I’ve believed in the past that were my everyday environment for a while again, repenting of believing them, and getting up close with Truth and Life in Jesus has been the desire of my soul. And He’s already reminded me that He already had victory over this battle, and that if there’s more that needs to be nailed to the cross, would He show me, but otherwise I can walk confidently in that victory.

Today, I simply want to highlight that something as seemingly insignificant as an ear infection can be a paramount turning point when entrusted to God.

He uses everything for His glory. Even a silly decision to take a nail artist up on a $15 piercing.

For My Sister on Your Birthday

For My Sister on Your Birthday

My Sweet, special sister, 18 never looked so beautiful. My sweet pea, you have such a fiercely loving heart. You have always had this beautiful compassion for people that translates to the way you interact with people. I have watched you feel so deeply and […]

A Morning with my Best Friend

A Morning with my Best Friend

Morning. Not stupid early, but not late morning, it’s 8:30am and your eyelids open after a solid, undisturbed 8 hour sleep. You smile to yourself, feeling that euphoric, passionate, life-is-good-because-God-is-good emotion that translates to excitement to spend time with Jesus. You know He’s going to […]

Trusting in the "Delay"

Trusting in the "Delay"

Much of today’s musings are inspired by a wonderful message preached by Pastor Mike Rutledge  
at Risen City church yesterday, where Jesus met me in my own worries, stress, and anxieties and revealed newness to me as His Spirit does, starting when I so loudly heard His voice that it was deafening, above all and any other sound: “I have promises I’m in the middle of working out.”
Now, to get very real here, when I say I so loudly heard His voice, I don’t mean I heard an audible-to-the-ears sound. I mean His Spirit, unlike mine, but that I could physically feel the presence of, as well as spiritually, convicted my heart of this matter to the point that I felt I couldn’t stand. I sat to pray and as I did I only heard more from Jesus, who promises His Spirit is no different from the living Jesus, whose presence is palpable and who promises to show up where two or more call on His name with genuine hearts.
Gently I received the peace of Truths I did not deserve to hear. About what He is in the middle of doing, in His timing. That when I feel like something has been “missed out” on, Jesus never missed it. That very thought of Him “missing” or “forgetting about” something part of His creation is laughable!
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Healing and miracles and even more simply clarity don’t always look the way we think we want them to. If you have ever been swayed from reaching out to the Creator of the Universe because you feel like “He hasn’t done anything for you,” a good place to start would be asking yourself what gave you the right to take such a position of deserving.
The Christian faith is about believing that Jesus came when He didn’t have to to suffer in this life and death on the cross because He loved us. To pay the penalty that should have been ours. In His perfection, He suffered the penalty for sin, and, in being God, He owes us absolutely no promises, and no miracles. And yet, because of the very nature of our gracious God, promises and miracles He chooses to bestow.
So after receiving from Him a little nudge that, No, He hadn’t forgotten about xyz, He was working it out in His timing and all I needed to do was give Him space and trust Him, I experienced weight rising off my shoulders as I scribbled down the prayers and promises.
And after hearing from the Spirit, Mike delivered the message on his heart for the church about the waiting periods in our life, how we often question them, and how, really, they’re such a part of the healing. In fact, they are the healing.
Maybe God is in the middle of completing your testimony because His plan for someone else is to learn from some of your stories.
Maybe He’s about to initiate change that wouldn’t have been possible if it weren’t for the trial.
But here’s the maybe not: the definitely not: Since He’s God of the universe, He has not forgotten about xyz, kicked it/you aside, or grumbled, “ah, well, they missed their chance.”
Frankly: God and His Kingdom came much before you, and you were created to submit to Him for a greater purpose. Not to pose of Him that He submits to you. 
He only asks of us that we trust Him, engage in relationship with Him, and follow Him.
It’s the only life to live!

UPDATE: Excitable Hellos, Tearful Goodbye, Seasons Changing

UPDATE: Excitable Hellos, Tearful Goodbye, Seasons Changing

Hello Friends!! Long time no blog. I have missed sitting to write. How I feel my soul has been needing to sit and let the words flow in pen and paper. Or, more accurately, finger tip and keyboard. And, friends, this song share is my […]

Flexibility Journey

If I had a bucket list of things I wanted to accomplish, something that would be at the top of it is becoming more flexible. I got this tattoo that says “dance” two years ago. While, looking back, I don’t think I’d get it again, […]

A God of UNComfort Zones

A God of UNComfort Zones

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Biblical merit for not being in “comfort” zones.
What is “comfort?”
The Word says that HE is my comfort (Jeremiah 8:18). So my ideal “comfort zone” is at His feet, in His arms, walking with Jesus. Equally, this means that we are often out of contrived and worldly “comfort” zones; the things that give temporary pleasure but don’t benefit our neighbours or His Kingdom; the things we may be conditioned to turn to in times of struggle or pain that “feel good,” but don’t have any Truth or power to actually help us or anyone.
So, my TRUE COMFORTER will take me out of FAKE COMFORT ZONES (I can list some of mine in my head right now– can you list yours?) and it might “feel” icky and uncomfortable; but since He’s the True Comforter, it will ALWAYS be good and right.
Maybe that is in the form of ridding rules and restrictions that you unhealthily have around areas of your life. They are habits that feel so comfortable; but on the basis of what truth? And who are they actually helping?
Maybe that is the form of less selfishness and more selflessness– going out of your way for other people; working with the Spirit of God to see those around you who need love, positivity, and hope.
Maybe that is in the form of asking questions, picking up your Bible, or praying. Checking out a church, or calling up an old friend.
Whatever it is, it starts with Him, in prayer and thought. He answers prayers, and He is with you in the uncomfortable change, ALWAYS. It is so often the things that seem scariest in life that end up being the things that He uses to save and redeem.
After I gave up food rules after years of stubborn eating disorders, I wrote this post
to put some words to the amazing process that Jesus had brought me through in healing. It didn’t come from striving. It was not my fault that I had these brutal mental illnesses, nor was it my choice to heal from them. It was, however, my choice to spend more time in the Word of God and with His Spirit– the Spirit that healed me.
Is Jesus calling your name and softening your heart to follow Him to a place that feels uncomfortable, and you just need to trust Him? 

What Is Exhaustion Without Purpose?

What Is Exhaustion Without Purpose?

All I can think about right now is hitting my pillow. I hate sounding dramatic, but my eyelids are so heavy and my whole body is exhausted from not stopping all day. And that could easily be for nothing. I could easily work this body […]