Mourning What is No Longer
The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit. Psalm 34:18
Recently, I have recognized myself mourning many things.
Mourning the period of my life in which I lived with my parents;
Mourning childhood innocence;
Mourning my old church community;
Mourning my boyfriend’s presence, as he is at school in another province;
Mourning my job at Starbucks;
Mourning my old student house…
Even, I hate to say, mourning the illness I once had, or so it feels sometimes.
So many changes all at once, and I don’t think I have in the past thought so much about the changes. But recently, as I’ve freed up time and space in my life to ensure I’m getting adequate rest, social life, and focus on studies– I recognize my mourning, missing, and sadness. I realize that I’m sad about the fact that many of these things are over, I’m confused about why some of them had to end, and I feel a little lost.
And I’m learning…
This is okay.
It’s okay to feel lost, uncertain, and a little afraid. It’s not okay to be aware of sin and sitting in it, okay with it.
So, as I reflect on things past and things to come, one thing remains True and sure, and that is the faithfulness of a Creator who goes before me, who, in the being the Creator, is before me and is in everything.
And I finally come to this place of peace because He has brought me there.
I know that when Jesus says I don’t need to fear, it’s True.
And His unconditional love and the amount of my undeserving of it makes me want to please Him and serve Him in every moment, reflecting positively on the past and all that He has brought me through, and trusting that He is faithful in every season.
Not for my oh-so temporary comfort or pleasure or happiness, but for His sake and glory… which equals joy.
It is Jesus who “turns my mourning into dancing” (Psalm 30:11)… and Jesus who I will forevermore praise.