It is has been several days since I have sat down to write, or done much of anything! So this, right now, is hitting as such a blessing.
Giving up routine and stringency in order that I might be more aware of God’s voice over my future– and much more importantly, engaged with Him in the present— is something that I was convicted of last week, and so it has been a week since I’ve been in this. One of the things He’s shown me is that there existed an external condemnation over me that was angered when certain things, ie. on-time blog posts, were not done. I adore this blog. I spend intimate moments with the Lord when I write. And I also do treat it like a job, and take pride in the maintenance of its professionalism. But there is certainly no condemnation, no “failing” if I’m unable, or moreover, not CALLED to write on a particular day. This isn’t to do with my own well-being so much as it is with God’s Word being all that is articulated and glorified in this practice. Which, pertaining to my true self in Christ, is the pertinent “well-being” of “myself.”
This past Sunday I woke up with my head on fire and my throat burning, too. I made tea and ate a bit, but my stomach wouldn’t take any of that either. I was supposed to be going to a church called Uptown Community, that I’d been to once or twice with Johnny, with Jacqueline, but I waffled with the idea as I felt so sick. After some prayers, I decided to go, and I was grateful and blessed that I did.
Pastor Raja’s sermon spoke volumes to my heart. It was on prayer.
“Trying to do the Lord’s work in your own strength is the most tedious, exhausting, and confusing of all work. But when you are filled with the Holy Spirit, then the ministry of Jesus just flows out of you… is prayer your steering wheel, or your spare tire?” CORRIE TEN BOOM
“I believe in Christ like I believe in the sun; not because I can see it, but because by it I see everything else.” CS LEWIS
“The man who has God for his treasure has all things in one… It is my very strong conviction that I cannot preach to someone I haven’t prayed for.” AW TOZER
When I got back home from church, I was struck with annoyance by how un-hungry my stomach felt on top of the migraine and throat pain and coughing. After Maddie and I caught up, I told her how sick I felt, that I had no appetite, and she said that was common for sickness.
I had, before acknowledging my freedom, been so out of touch with my body that I didn’t know what appetite, or lack of it, felt like. But without voices dictating what I should or should not eat, I quite simply know.
I made chicken soup and ate bread and Maddie and I watched a few episodes of some shows and I could not focus. I slept for many hours and when I woke up my head was worse than ever.
After praying and repenting, I did the only logical thing.
I called my mom.
My mom is so caring, and she lives to help others. She wanted to come pick me up but I told her no, I’d be fine. I took her advice with some different remedies, and after a few hours, when nothing was going away, I called again.
“Ok, Mom. If you really don’t mind, I’d love your help right now.”
She was over really quickly, and she took me home. I spent the next couple days throwing up and napping, whooooo. The kind of unproductive environment that really stresses me out. I couldn’t focus at all on reading or school work or even talking… but I could pray. Always can pray.
So the past few days have been such a blessing.
Praying for others’ situations and souls has been another conviction on my heart, and of course, if prayer is my STEERING WHEEL, by the power of the Holy Spirit, I will be. Praying for others. He has humbled me in the midst of this illness to show me that He is in control.
I could have planned every minute of every day this week, but studying and coffee plans and even work didn’t happen.
Essentially, any time we spend planning every minute of the future, our Lord Jesus can say “Yep, that is what you’re going to do on that day at that time,” or, “No, that’s not how it’s going to work out.” Being organized and productive for His sake and by His Spirit is very different, He’s shown me, than trying to take human control of a very human agenda.
My gracious momma took me to the doctor yesterday, where he found the physical root of this sickness and set me on the physical path to mending.
Today I woke up feeling better for the first time than worse, and ready to blog. Not stressed about the school I’ve missed, but rather full of trust.
Oh Jesus, how you teach us and are faithful in EVERYTHING.
Let the people praise thee, O God; let all the people praise thee. Then shall the earth yield her increase; and God, even our own God, shall bless us. PSALM 67:5-6
Remembering that the COUNTERFEIT to righteousness is anything that promises peace outside of Jesus Christ— one of the lies in me had been my feeling “fit” by how closely and “perfectly” I could stick to a plan.
Which might involve me missing an opportunity to meet someone new that God is calling me to minister to.
Or blocking out His voice.
Or refusing spontaneity that to my God is not spontaneous at all.
It is not surprising that the media is full of agendas and planners and calendars that attract many of us. For our God is one who “Knows the plans He has for us,” who has always called us by name, who loved us before we existed on Earth. As we are created in His image, when we don’t have intimate relationship with Him, our souls seek who HE is within what we can see in the world. Comfort in “a plan.”
My “Comfort” is in JESUS CHRIST alone. HIS PLANS alone. This is freeing beyond measure.
And, just as when He instructed me so lovingly that food rules were not a part of His Spirit, whence I heard His voice on this matter of strict planning, He has only revealed to me the worthier cause, and the freer life equipped to serve Him with JOY.