I am sitting out in my living room, and feel so much joyful emotion I can’t even contain it. I am sharing it for the purpose of glorifying my Father. He has put this song in my heart that He is your answer. Jesus is the all in all that your heart longs for. If He’s convicting you, He’s convicting you for a reason. The world is pulling you and you *think* your answers are found in it.
Here are ten things that an eating disorder has clouded my mind from the past 7 years, that I am now alive to, my mind cleared.
Jesus. First, all, and a love impossible to contain. I spend time in the Word each morning but am usually convicted with anxieties about coming food and what to eat and how much and it’ll plague my mind. This morning, I truly couldn’t leave His presence. My desire to just know Him trumped any and everything. I thought that food rules kept me from anxiety and prevented harm. When in fact, they fed the anxiety, death of passion, and ungrowth. Furthermore and very importantly, it is now not the lack of food rules that is causing this joy, for they have always been dead (ah, what a Truth, they have always been dead… but I will not dwell), it is Jesus’ grace and sole Fatherhood, which has ALWAYS been True. LORD, may I praise and glorify You when I meet you in the Word.
Dance. Because I lived identified to and under the ruling of a disorder, dance became less of a passion and its purpose became in “can I burn enough calories from this class for it to suffice as a workout for the day… etc.” Last night I had this random thought like, MAN! I love tapping so much! I really wanna go into a practice room and just work on my technique, and choreography, and just got lost, not how fast can I get my heart rate? LORD, may I praise and glorify You in all that I dance!
“Laughing Without Fear of the Future.” This statement has been so literal the past couple days. It has been a long time since I have genuinely enjoyed funny things. My clogged spirit didn’t process them or want me to laugh. I have probably laughed more wholeheartedly the past 24 hours than I have in years. JESUS, may my laughter echo your love all my days.
Johnny. When I’m with Johnny, it’s hard to think about anything else. That’s genuine and one of those little things that has always confirmed our relationship and my love for him. The Spirit in him has continually drawn me to Jesus’ presence and to glorify Him, and of course that’s why I love him. If anything ever has taken my attention in a negative way when I’m with him, it’s been food anxieties/thoughts/fears. I have so much clarity and trust in how good and joyful our future in Jesus’ timing looks, as he’ll be meeting a me that has been brought out of a prison. And I have him to thank for being so obedient and turned to Jesus. And for JESUS through Josee Foster, whose obedience to the Lord’s voice began the real and one-step chain-tearing (after years of work and failure but His presence the only constant). And for JESUS through his aunt and uncle, who I joined in praising God and turning to Him as He accepted my literal surrender. JESUS, I pray only your life-giving Spirit in our relationship.
Mom’s Spaghetti. Ok, I’ve kept having random awesome thoughts, and I know pleasing others should not be my heart– just pleasing the Lord. But there are some conversations and repentance that still needs to happen with my parents, and I just randomly thought about my crazy fear of her loving meals. Her spaghetti used to be my fav. I can’t wait to sit with my whole fam and eat my mom’s spaghetti. JESUS, my tears right now are real and are of your righteousness. I pray your covering over every coming meal, and over my relationship with my family.
Hanging Out with Friends. Planning a friend hangout always surrounded food. It had to “fit” in the day. I avoided people’s homes over the dinner hour at all costs. I have come in tune with the Cassie heart that Jesus gave me that always had thankfulness and joy over a shared meal, anywhere. And hanging out with friends… has nothing to do with food… that’s just illogical… AH my JESUS, thank-you for revealing your Truth over my friendships and time with friends.
Reading. My clarity and focus in the Word this morning made me so excited to crack open new books, read read read, even truly soak in my school readings. I have a Harry Potter lecture today that I can’t wait to immerse myself in! Jesus, thank-you for blessing me with a heart for words! May all that I read and learn unveil your goodness in me.
Even energy that could go into getting to know house guests, serving, welcoming. I’ve always wanted to host a house and kitchen known for serving and prayer and fellowship, safety and home. My soul is free again and in touch with that part of the Cassie that God made me to be. Even my name Cassie sounds different right now. Jesus, thank-you for the servant heart you have given me. May it be used all my days not for pride but for you!!!
My Actual Food Passion. Yes, Cassie, I did give you a passion for healthy food, and cooking, and food photography. I want you to use these, don’t ignore them! But that passion is not immersed in the “weight loss or aesthetic” culture of the world. And I recognize the voice that’s told you you will not know what to eat and will therefore eat “too much” or “junk food.” But I have graced you my Spirit that you are leaning on now. And it is a Spirit of self-control and love. It is also not one of junk foods that make you feel sick for a reason– but you shall have no fear of these. It is just so simple. His Spirit has removed the evil and made me in touch with my body through the soul. But truly… none of that is the focus! It just isn’t it is so little! Ah JESUS, call me to share my passion for healthy, righteous foods that heal and that you made, only as you call me.
Travelling. Krystal, my big sister, is in France right now for school. I have always known that the fear of being out of control of my meals has trumped and clouded any desire to travel… but hallelujah Jesus, if you call me to other parts of the world or bless me with those opportunities, I will only sing your praises.
Your love made a way and let mercy come in when death was arrested and my life began.
Jesus alone revealed my chains to me. This must be known. I am not free without Him, for my freedom is FOR Him, and only Him, and always, forever HAS and forever WILL be True since He paid the price on the cross. Jesus, what can I offer you for this freedom from sin but my whole life?
[…] After I gave up food rules after years of stubborn eating disorders, I wrote this post […]