WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: …Revisited

The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places.

In an attempt to allow the reign of disorderless life, my blog has spurred into a place different than it once was– although there is something I have felt unwilling, almost afraid, maybe parts of me just unwanting to give up– that is What I Ate Wednesday.

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I remember about a year ago reading Julia Grigorian’s post on why she was no longer “WIAW”-ing, and it really struck a chord with me. But I thought, nah, this isn’t a bad thing. I just genuinely enjoy writing about food. 

And I do.

But what I have come to terms with is that WIAW is generally only interesting to those with eating disorders, which, when in the grips of, the victim inevitably compares their day of food to the one written about. I have spent extensive times in the grips of the disorder reading and contemplating various WIAW. Many have been helpful in the early stages of physical recovery when I was in Minnie Maud, such as Julia’s posts, but many were destructive to read.

I thought about refraining from writing an explanation on why these posts will no longer be a part of cassiescookery because the disorder will no longer be a part of cassiescookery– as it cannot, will not, and is not part of Cassie–, but I don’t want to ignore the fact that I have been writing these posts for nearly two years, for a few reasons:

1) An apology. To anyone who has read these posts and compared their eating to mine. Especially because, looking back, there were times in which I promoted a certain way of eating/amount of food unintentionally as healthy or normal when in fact it was restrictive and disordered. As my mind is actually healing and I am genuinely hating this disorder for the first time, I can see that. And I am very sorry for the misinformation and position of authority that I did not have. Everyone is different, everyone’s body is different, and food is just food. Not a god, not a reward, not a punishment. A blessing, a gift, to be enjoyed. A necessity for nourishment and fuel.

2) I have had fear in stopping these posts. That I am coming to terms with and wanted to write this up in case there is anyone out there who can understand this and has contemplated the same thing. Quite simply, it is disordered to relay and organize and put energy into the food that I myself consume in a given day. The only reason for doing so, rather than simply sharing “something I ate today” or “a recipe I created today” is to reveal the amount or makeup of what has been eaten. This is not a healthy thing– more importantly, it is not a godly thing– for anybody.

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I was convicted in these posts last week when I published one. I felt heightened discomfort, and for the first time asked God “why am I writing this? Who is it for, and is it accomplishing anything for Your purposes?”

He is so good.

When I published it that night, one of my previous posts, a simple recipe blog, randomly received 11 likes and multiple reads within a very short period. The Lord used that to lead me to more prayer about the blog, lead me back to Julia’s post, and made me very uncomfortable in the prospect of writing any more of these.

Food should not hold a severe barrier onto my daily schedule. Food should not dictate if I’m able to make an event or say yes to plans. Food should be an afterthought. What should occupy my mind are the friends I’ll interact with, the conversations I will have, the bonds I will develop, the experiences I will cherish. That is what is important.

It’s just food.

It does not determine my worth.

If a meal does not go precisely how I wanted it to, it should not break my entire day.

It should not be enough to stress me out.

A bad meal does not dictate my value.

Sometimes, I eat more food than others. Sometimes, I eat less. Sometimes, I eat the same. All of the above is okay. –Julia Grigorian from “2017: The Year of Enjoying Food”

Who does determine my worth and dictate my value?

Jesus. 

God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ROMANS 5:8

Still here is an indication that we are no longer in sin– we are set free from sin by Jesus Christ in the Holy Spirit in order to serve Him.

By God’s grace, I am blessed to say and know the goodness in that my love for sharing recipes and creating food and community over it is not good when it is in the form of sharing a “food diary.”

But I WILL be sharing some truly good recipes that I believe both you and I will enjoy. Because I love cooking, I love when He encourages my heart that my cooking is serving Him, and when anything food or otherwise is not, may I let go of it in His precious name.

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I am off to tap class soon and going to go eat some more food with my roomies first over homework… much love and blessings over Christ over this night that He has made. And thanks for getting through this unconventional post!

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