For food is for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy both one and the other. 1 CORINTHIANS 6:13
Last night I was brought to some of the most extensive and revealing prayer of my life. As God changed my heart and opened my eyes in timing that I have so much clarity in now.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet he did not sin. HEBREWS 4:15
Last night, I studied and caught up with my beautiful friend Beth. We talked all about her engagement and where God is moving in our lives and what we’re learning. The Lord convicted my heart so much through our conversations in unshakable ways.
When I came home, Johnny and I had been casually texting and out of nowhere our conversation became something much more serious but so good in reckoning the reign of victory Jesus already has over this eating disorder, and all sin and struggles. This victory is in a beautiful life and death that already happened. Victory is at the cross by His beautiful grace. Johnny lovingly reminded me that I cannot continually give something up to God and think that’s it, because a struggle that is truly layed at the altar can only be done once. Because God is the one who works and pours grace through it, and tapping into the freed life that He already has for me for His sake is the biggest and overarchingly important movitation in healing from this. God didn’t design this disorder, God doesnt want me to live in fear but only in happiness. Johnny reminded me of this when I pointed out, Sometimes I feel as if what the disorder says is good. Because there’s nothing wrong with healthy eating, right?
In all my convictions and just conversing with God and praying and praying I could not stop. I watched sermons, spent time in the Word and He is so good He brought me to all this and woke me up so aware of His presence. I studied 1 Corinthians before getting up to make breakfast.
I didn’t want to think much and so I just made a big serving of oatmeal with cacao peanut butter and apple slices.
I went to my morning Bible class, which was wonderful. My prof is such a kind lady and cares so much about her students and lessons. I really enjoyed the class. Afterwards, I went to a school study lounge for a few hours and got actually quite a bit of studying and work on papers done before praying and watching more sermons. I hadn’t thought much about restricting all morning, and when I did, I prayed about it and allowed God to work to bring me to the task at hand. But I became quite hungry, and I acted on it right away, heading home to make lunch.
Maddie texted me on my way home asking if I was going to be home soon, that she hoped we could talk. She knows that I get nervous and often completely shut down when I’m eating or making food, and so I prayed all the way home for His intercession and Spirit to move in me that I might cook my meal while talking to Maddie in Christ, therefore without fear.
And I did. I also snacked on celery with peanut butter while talking to her. And our conversation was so incredible, as they always are. Maddie vented for a bit about some of her struggles and I listened and we bounced off each other, prayed, and arrived in Christ at the conclusion that He is so good and His timing impossibly brilliant. How He brings different situations together for His glory and for the healing of different people based on their situations is just how He works, the amazing God we get to serve.
For lunch I had a medium cooked egg and cucumber+peanut butter on two pieces of barley raisin bread. It was so good, and I prayed over it again, and ate it happily.
Maddie and I headed back to the school in the early afternoon to meet our friends Bethany and Michele to catch up and study, which was so nice, and again I got good work done. My Bible class final is an assignment overviewing the entire Bible, and so my homework gets to be just immersion in the Word which is pretty wonderful.
Another 3 hours of studying and I headed back home for dinner. I put on some worship music, prayed over all sorts of aspects of life and the world and loved ones and situations, not just over the food, although I did that too. While I was cooking, I was reminded of how good a cook I used to be. I used to naturally throw things together with such an ebb and flow, and recently don’t even recognize my own cooking because for myself, I don’t even try. Tonight, I braided a cod fillet and then cooked it up in chicken stock with lemon zest, lemon juice, garlic powder, mustard powder, and oregano plus salt and pepper. I simmered that for a while with broccoli and mushrooms until it was all tender and the fish flaked and got a bit crispy. I was going to make rice but didn’t really feel like it, so I added a chicken breast to the meal (2 meats in one meal!) and a big carrot chopped up. I took my zinc tablet (I’m deficient; this should regulate my appetite which used to scare me but nope), thanked God for the meal, and ate it, surprised by the unfamiliar but good taste. Wow.
After dinner, I stretched, watched some vlogmases, choreographed routines for the classes I teach tomorrow, studied some more, read a bit, threw in some laundry, talked to Johnny.
I have so many incredible people in my life who have walked alongside me and that I pray I walk alongside with the same Christ-like grace. I want to praise God in this moment for His incredible, insurmountable work in Johnny and I through this distance. Johnny hasn’t seen me since August, but his position in Christ gives him more the words and understanding than ever of my situation. Our communication is something we value so much and have grown in so much. I am so blessed by this man that I am so in love with and whose patience, humour, and love are some of my favourite things in the world. God gets all the glory for how good our relationship has been and continues to be, in all its challenges and triumphs racing toward God the centre.
Tonight, I knew I should eat a snack. I ate a bowl of almond milk yogurt with peanut butter and a dash of cinnamon and just relaxed with it. My stomach feels so full right now but I know how good this is. I can feel the nourishment to my body. I can feel the devil squirming.
And I rejoice in Jesus’ victory.
And we also thank God continually because, when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as a human word, but as it actually is, the word of God, which is indeed at work in you who believe. 1 THESSALONIANS 2:13