Last night, I had dinner at Kathryn’s house with her family, Jess, and Maddie.
Kathryn’s dinner plate prepared for her by her mom, I was struck with remembrance of when this was me in my family-based recovery.
Sometimes I feel there is a lot of emphasis on the fact that I struggle.
But I want to talk about the victories.
I used to eat everything in tiny bits. I noticed Kathryn last night eating her chicken in the tiniest bits possible, scraping dressing and oil off the food. I ate a large chicken breast, potato, and peas in a normal amount of time. I remember that exact mindset, remember being in Kathryn’s position. It made me excited to see her grow.
I used to fear social outings and restaurants. I happily eat what is given to me at others’ homes. I pray over my food and thank the Lord for it and see it as blessing. I recognize when my thoughts are disordered. I eat at restaurants when need be, though I prefer to cook at home because I love cooking and for money’s sake.
I used to be clouded in all my conversations. I have giddy, happy, joyful conversations every day now. I have energy and never feel faint. I have callings, and an attention span, and so much happiness. I can LISTEN to others, and provide the care and attention they deserve.
I used to fear the majority of foods. I don’t know if this is all coming up super recently, but I really don’t fear any foods anymore. Again, there are times in which the disorder may feel more present, but for the most part I eat anything without anxiety.
I used to think anorexia was a happy place. I now know this disorder is the epitome of pain, loneliness, and self-service. It is not glorifying to the man above nor is it something He calls me to in any way, shape, or form. I know that food is simple necessity and blessing.
I used to hide food, and hyper-focus on it. Food, and lack-thereof, was what my day was made up of. Now, it is truly something I eat and give thanks for.
I used to struggle so much to eat around others. I still deal with this sometimes, but am growing every day. Last night, talking to Maddie, I spontaneously grabbed a snack and ate just over the counter in the kitchen.
I used to lie to my loved ones about my struggles. I am now very open and honest about what is plaguing me, for I know there is power in friends, family, and group prayer.
I used to feel as though my only form of control was in what I ate. Now I know that joy comes from placing my identity and surrendering to God. To learning about Him, to growing in my relationship with Him, to opening myself to the ways He wants to use me.
I used to have no interest in passions. I grew up loving the Lord, constantly reading the Bible and other books, spending time with friends, passionate about dance, cooking, singing, acting, and writing. I lost any motivation for these, or their place in my life whatsoever. I now am growing in and loving these things as I so see the Lord at work in these areas of my life.
for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. PHILIPPIANS 2:13