BREAD of life from Heaven; your blood and body given. We eat this bread and drink this cup until you come again.
I remember being 15. Like it was yesterday.
I remember my mom tiredly telling me it was time for lunch. Again. I immediately started conjuring up ideas for how I could possibly avoid eating the lunch that she would prepare for me. “No Mom, please,” I cried. It had been a rough day. “I don’t want to.”
“Cassie.” So much love in her voice, “what would you like today?”
The question made me angrier. I WOULDNT LIKE ANYTHING, every part of my brain screamed, WHY CANT THESE PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! They don’t understand…. I don’t need to eat, I’m better off just not eating…
I recognized with much anxiety that, yet again, there was no way around the meal. I went to the kitchen and drew out a whole grain bagel, banana, and peanut butter. Hovered over my mom as I exclaimed, “I’m not eating it unless I see how much peanut butter you measure out.” Measured out in tablespoons, bagel toasted, banana sliced, lunch.
Mom sat with me and attempted conversation. Nearly half an hour went by and I had not touched the food. My mom was growing tired of the many weeks of smiling and loving. “Cassie, start your lunch, sweetie.”
I went on in conversation about something. Maybe I can distract her and peel off some of the banana, I thought. Or scrape off some peanut butter. I tried to scoop some in my hand, felt the anger teaming LITERALLY in my body.
“Cassie, no, you know you need every part of that.”
Picked up my plate with the food and whipped it at the wall. The plate broke, the food crumbled. Ran, ran, crying, into the bathroom. Collapsed in tears on the floor and panicked, felt like my lungs with filled with air.
Everything in my body screaming You can’t eat it you can’t eat it THEYRE TAKING THE CONTROL IVE GIVEN YOU.
I remember today. I am 19. I came home from the gym with Mary.
Daniella was so encouraging as I saw racks of whole grain bread on sale for 99 cents a loaf.
I took one to the counter. The lady there Id seen before at the store– she’d told me I looked like Rose Byrne (I do not see it). She smiled at me and said, “I’ll give that one to ya for free. It’s best before tomorrow but if you freeze it it’ll last you awhile.”
This bread thing seemed so necessary for the Lord. This fear of bread has been overwhelming me. Where God has outlined, It is not food you need to fear. I know the devil has got you before with Eating TOO MUCH. But he has you in a different way now and it has nothing to do with food, Cassie. But you need to nourish yourself to be joyful and serve me and you are not to fear food– especially bread. Especially such organic and whole bread.
I resolved to eat the bread soon.
And this morning I had two pieces with peanut butter, one with cucumber and one with banana, and I enjoyed it. I’ve been taking the zinc prescribed by my naturopath to supposedly aid my appetite and I pray for help and lack of fear in that too.
Mom, I’m sorry. Forgive me. For those years of not being able to comprehend the love. I am eating bread and I am healing.
I am loving the Lord and He is renewing my Spirit and leading me to repentance and to seeing what LIFE is and in those intimate moments with Him and often in the most sporadic times He washes over me with His ONE TRUTH HIS ALWAYS TRUTH and food is becoming less and less of an anxiety. When a thought popped in my head of
oh this is sourdough you should never eat sourdough blah blah blah
It was drowned out in His name as I instead ate my toast. Tasted it and smiled at Mary. Those moments in which I am more receptive they are tiny little blips in the cosmic sphere of nothingness beyond Him and EVERYTHING only when IN Him.