The number doesn’t matter. If I got down to 070.00, I’d want to be 065.00. If I weight 010.00, I wouldn’t be happy until I got down to 005.00. The only number that would ever be enough is 0. Zero pounds, zero life, size zero, double-zero, zero point. Zero in tennis is love. I finally get it. -WINTERGIRLS, Laurie Halas Anderson

I read this book about a girl with anorexia when I was 12 years old and remember feeling so saddened for her. How could anyone live this way? 
Flash forward three years, and I “finally get it” too. 
It’s not about the body. It’s not about vanity. I don’t care so greatly what I look like or my thinness. It is a mind-game, an addiction so powerful and difficult to explain the nature of. It is numbers flashing before your eyes and telling you, zero. 

He teaches us to say “No” to ungoldly passions TITUS 2:12

He has taught me that this this this is a god in my life.
That reality makes me sick.
“I want it GONE!” I have cried out in prayer. Every part of me wants it gone, besides the part of me that is the disorder. But that is not a part of me, it is unrightfully in me. Finally, let me tell you, this knowledge angers me to the depths of my soul. 

the little victories. 
I’ve been praying a lot about this zero thing. 
Heavenly Father, I know you call me to grow stronger in you. To die is to GAIN. I don’t want zero, I want strength for your purposes. I hear clearly that strength, “extra,” is what you’re calling me to. Calories, you must hate the word only besides its actual meaning: “a unit of energy.” 
Calories are literally measures of energy.
If I restricting them, I am LITERALLY saying, “I’m going to give myself LESS of the physical bodily energy than God calls me to today in order that He might fully abide in me.” 
That sounds a lot like the devil, and it is.

It’s made me think about the “zero” products out there.
Zero calorie products are virtually all synthetically produced and creations of man.
Splenda, diet sodas, sugar-free syrups, the Walden Farms company

One quick googling of “Walden Farms side effects”

Years ago, I heavily used zero calorie products like sugar free caramel, diet soda, Splenda, etc. But it was doing weird things. 
I felt foggy and controlled by a different part of my brain sometimes.
My stomach was always bloated and in pain. 
The products flared up IBS in me, and I still have some of these symptoms. 
If, I ask myself, I wanted to add caramel syrup to something, there must have been a part of me that was craving food. But products like these create and add to an eating disordered person’s fear of NORMAL caramel syrup made with actual FOOD. 
Zero does not add anything, where our Lord calls us to die to ourselves to gain the Holy Spirit and therefore reward for HIM. 
That is where I am. And there are moments in which He is so right within me that I am positively shaking in awe of His presence. And there are moments, like when I am in the kitchen cooking anything for myself, that I feel hopeless and angry.
My genuine, crazy, loving self. She’s coming out more.

Jesus doesn’t endorse zero. He calls for love multipled. 
Zero is a trick of the enemy. 

See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces[a] of this world rather than on Christ. COLOSSIANS 2:8

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