for a last minute costume I think I did the farmgirl thing ok. This one had her first appointment at the eating disorder clinic today. And I am so proud of her.
So, like a home-bound labourer, I pursued
My way beneath the mellowing sun, that shed
Mild influence; nor left in me one wish
Again to bend the Sabbath of that time
To a servile yoke. What need of many words?
A pleasant loitering journey, through three days
Continued, brought me to my hermitage.
I spare to tell of what ensued, the life
In common things–the endless store of things,
Rare, or at least so seeming, every day 110
Found all about me in one neighbourhood–
The self-congratulation, and, from morn
To night, unbroken cheerfulness serene. –The Prelude, William Wordsworth
Recently, I have had my hypocrisy uncovered in a few senses.
So often I speak on my passion for health and healthy living. But I don’t live the way I believe one ought. I live, sometimes, according to the “healthy ways” prescribed by my eating disorder. But beyond my disorder, like my mom always says, I don’t take care of myself the way I am passionate/tell others to.
Yesterday I took my sweet lil sister around for the day as her bday present, bought her clothes and lunch and vegan mac and cheese😜. And I had a Caesar salad with dairy free cheese, dressing, and tofu bacon and it was delicious. Though after I ate it, Ed said I couldn’t eat for the rest of the day. That was the first feeling that entered my mind and overwhelmed my brain and I breathed and prayed and begged the Lord to intercede. And of course He did. I had snacks and dinner.
Today, I ate more than I have in months, and I am feeling incredible pain in my stomach. This is good.
This next one is a habit that is not ed-driven, but one that I am going to really pursue, and that is my caffeine intake. There have been multiple days in the past few weeks that I’ve been consuming 4 espresso shots and 4 cups of coffee. I have relied on caffeine for energy when my energy can only come from Christ. And I have been disallowing the Lord to provide that in completely ignoring His commands to fuel my body with food.
Today, I drank only one caffeinated coffee and a lightly caffeinated tea. I have a slight headache, but am also feeling less shaky and dehydrated.
Speaking of dehydration…
Water. I don’t drink nearly enough of it. My eating disorder doesn’t fear it at all or anything, I just hate drinking. I have gone days with coffee being my only liquid intake, which is probably affecting me and my clarity more than I realize.
Today, I drank more water (and decaf tea).
Ive been losing bunches of hair again. I know that the solution to this is proper nourishment, which has only gotten better every day in the past month, but I also have not been taking the healing natural God-given medicine prescribed by my naturopath, who I really trust. I took it faithfully for about a week, and then somehow started to fear it.
Today, I took all the supplements.
In addition, my therapist has advised me different journaling and practices to be doing daily, but without stressing myself out, she emphasized. I haven’t been doing them or prioritizing them at all, and she would say this means I fear what going back to certain memories will “do.”
The Lord has conquer over all these fears. He confirms that I need not fear. He wants to help me so that this whole thing may cause others to worship Him.
And so today, I did my journaling alongside prayer.
Another thing I’ve been aware of is how much I’ve been adding salt to food. This is a good thing in many ways as I used to fear salt, but especially in combination with too little water, salt will ultimately cause water retention and makes one feel falsely full and bloated. This is in a sense simply setting myself up to be triggered and eat less. Which is of course, not ideal.
I could simply list off SO many people, but this woman. I can’t put words to her compassion, grace, and GENUINE caring. She is such a beautiful role model and has been there for me through thick and thin.
Ultimately, my realization of this hypocrisy should not set my brain on stringently changing this up, but should rather strengthen my understanding of that any area that I am not taking care of myself isn’t from the Lord.
3 John 1:2 – Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.
Today begins #NoEdNovember, the challenge I am running with the AMAZING Jillian. What is something the Lord did today that you listened to that was ultimately a step closer to Him and further from the disorder?
Today, the Lord raged through me, and like I said, I ate significantly more than I have in months. This is the right direction, this is health and fuel, this is laughs and life, this is joy in Christ and hope for the future.