Painful. Physically and mentally.
Ya girl had two dinners out in a row and had periods of intense anxiety when the food was in front of me–
I can’t do it I can’t eat this what am I doing I want to run this is so much food this will hurt me
Which led to just prayer–
Holy Spirit, help me to laugh just the way you do at these meaningless voices. Fill my body with just you, that I may be able to see this food the way You do.
And both nights, I ate full meals.
My stomach has been in constant pain and confusion at the new food. I have been slowly increasing my intake since this relapse and still am not eating nearly enough but if I ate anymore at this point I would burst. It is a day at a time sort of thing.
This morning, I woke with overwhelming peace.
I did a long study in 2 Peter with prayer and then made a bigger breakfast than I’ve had in a while– 2 full servings of oats with cacao peanut butter and a chopped apple. Yum😜
After early breakfast, lots of work emails and Sunday School planning and dance choreography, Maddie and I headed to our Bible class for 9am. It was great as usual! I am learning so much in this class.
Maddie shopped with me for a bit as a roommate of mine got me a gift card to the Laurier book store for my birthday. I barely know her, and so I was overwhelmed by her thoughtfulness!
I headed to work, where I barista-ED from 1-6. I was on bar (making drinks) for a long rush period today and had a straight few minutes where I couldn’t stop smiling, thinking, I’ve wanted to learn to do this forever. I love doing this. I feel so called in this. Lord, may I continue to be your light here.
I made some really bomb drinks today. And on my break, I drank a soy blonde caffe misto. I also put soymilk in my tea before leaving work!!
Refereshed by conversations with co-workers and the peace of the Lord in the midst of a stomach that, I realized, hadn’t eaten solid food in 12 hours– I headed home. That is one of the most difficult things about the early stages of recovery: my breakfast filled my tummy for the whole day and made me feel so full all day. But one must push. I listened to music and read all the way home, where I had my new favourite for dinner: turkey and sweet potato with a goat yogurt-peanut sauce (tons of goat yogurt, don’t worry). Sound weird? Believe me, it’s out of this world delicious. I also munched on a few carrots.
I had dance class at 8, so I rushed there next. I had such an amazing night to myself. This class is so challenging but also accessible, good to take at one’s own pace. I am so nearly there in my left leg splits! My kicks are so much higher and I am so proud of my arabesques and turn techniques. I am rediscovering this passion for moving my body, seeing definition in muscles rather than bones, knowing the Lord wants me strong and not weak. Also knowing that I am easily deceived and for my health, for my God, must stay accoutanble that I am not losing weight.
Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin. As a result, they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. 1 PETER 4:1-2