Today my mind is
Therapy homework and Bible study and readings and tests and learn Starbucks drinks and Sunday School lesson plans and choreograph 5 dances and eat well and go to dance class and prayer is most important and be happy and smiley and organize the house and wear the best clothes and remind Johnny how much you love him and prioritize friends and family and upkeep the blog and your physical health
I’ve been ignoring the fact, I think l, that I am burning out. For days, I have no choice but to be GO-go-go from the moment I wake up (I always wake with at least an hour and a half for prayer and time with the Lord and in the Word), to the moment I hit the pillow. It’s caused me to usually have to stay up until 2am or later to do homework. Last night I sleep walked to the shower and while showering half-conscious realized that I actually needed a shower… my brain had been racing in my sleep.
Ever since I can remember, I have been this girl that needed to do everything. When I was a preteen, before the development of any disordered eating I cried if I got less than an A- on anything. I was on every possible club. I was go-go-go.
My councillor suggests that when I developed disordered eating, it was an excuse to be “doing something” rather than thinking about the dark stuff of my subconscious. I now happen to think she’s quite right.
Lord, may I BREAK before you.
In these times when the enemy directed my attention to what would harm me rather than to breaking before my Saviour in one messy, I NEED YOU. ONLY YOU.
The reality is, I love being busy and productive. It’s a good thing, and the Lord has confirmed so much of what I’m doing as good in His name, as good for His Kingdom.
Jesus, may I give to YOU every piece of me, my life simply an offering to You.
This messy me? Where does it fit?
Where does my need to appear collected, to appear “perfect” come from?
Be perfect. Which means doing
Which means a blog that is just recipes and none of this haphazard content.
But the reality is I feel called to this haphazard content……
What is this……
Because life is in the little things.
The broken moments eating porridge and drinking coffee in bed when everything breaks down // this am.
the grief, the loss, the pain // a little later this am.
The epiphany *THANKS BE TO GOD* I need you, Jesus Christ.
Lunch that I didn’t think I was capable of eating (cuz me in submission to the enemy, wasn’t. Christ in me, yeah) // this aft.
Smiling so big in the middle of a lecture hall because I’m so love. With Jesus, with my best friend Johnny, with the family He blessed me with, with the people I’m surrounded by, but more than anything with the promise of His Kingdom come for His goodness // now.
That, that is real life. Monday I’ll share a vegan ice cream cake recipe with you (of my own for lil sissy’s bday, we’ll see how this goes). But today I have been a bit of a mess, and erm, that’s ok.
Voices that say:
- You’re not going to eat anything tomorrow so that you can drink alcohol (I’m having people over for my bday).
- You have to do an hour of intense cardio every day.
- You must focus all your attention on ensuring it looks like you’re doing better, but that you don’t actually gain any weight.
Let’s turn these thoughts around.
- You are going to eat tomorrow so that you have energy to have a good night with your friends. You don’t need to starve yourself to drink alcohol.
- You don’t have to do anything. Cardio is also the worst way to get your period back, and that is priority for your body right now.
- Every piece of you is identified in Christ. He is where your meaning is.
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” JEREMIAH 17:7-8