He must increase, I must decrease. JOHN 3:30
Today has been wonderful in many senses. Challenging; and also a furthered increase in food. This is the most I’ve eaten in an Day for awhile but also know that I know it’s not nearly enough for my recovery.
My weight, as I’ve mentioned, is currently at its all time low. My hip bones and ribs are bruised and clumps of my hair come out in the shower. I’m exhausted all the time and full all the time. Oh the joys of recovery… again…
And this was my major realization: currently, I am classified as underweight and by other physical aspects clearly need to gain weight. Therefore, I can never be “smaller” than I am now. And I need to just accept that and move forward. My brain is clearly foggy and undernourished and simply desperate for the energy God graciously provided for sustainance.
Ah, so what I ate!
This morning I did a Bible study and some homework and YouTube surfing. I had a coffee and oatmeal with banana and peanut butter for breakfast, before brunch at Cora’s with Savannah, Ciara, and Laura, three girls I’ve danced with most of my life.
After brekkie and some stretching, I headed to the brunch with the girls, where, yes, I had more oatmeal. Again I was deciding between a few meals and really and genuinely just wanted my old work’s oatmeal! I had it topped with the rest of my nana from the morn and some pecans.
Pecans? The fattiest nut out there? What are you thinking?
Sucked it up, breathed deep, ate my brunch.
You already had brunch. No one else ate this morning, I bet anything.
“My Apple with peanut butter this morn was so good,” –Laura.
Yup. And even if they hadn’t… so?! I was hungry this morning. On top of recovering from an eating disorder. On top of, these people will eat when they’re hungry. The devil is trying to distract and convince you away. Don’t let him.
We had an incredible time together as always, laughing and catching up. And after brunch I had a shift from 1-6 at Starbucks, which went great. I was filled with energy and fun and the Lord’s grace to work hard and bring good conversation and my best efforts to every customer. On my break, I drank a soy blonde misto, and had a tea with a splash of soymilk at the end of the shift with Kathryn, who met me after work.
Again, we are so similar. Kathryn and I had so much to talk about in this past week and all the newness in her life as the Lord readies her for recovery. I am praying constantly for her and His light in her.
Finally, I ran some errands (groceries, books, library), and headed home for a shower, some yoga, homework, and journaling. My bus ride home was spent solely in prayer and listening to the Spirit. Humbling myself at His feet–
Lord you intercede with sighs too deep for words–
And worshipping. And tonight, He graced me with some wins over Ed. For dinner, I ate a giant mix of broccoli, celery, and cucumber with half a sweet potato, and turkey.
Ed fought me for awhile on eating the turkey (*you can’t accurately measure this, how could eat this, Thanksgiving is over, man you’re disgusting*)
(*no one, EVER, needs to measure food, don’t you dare throw this food out, so what if Thanksgiving is over it’s called leftovers and saving money and curling yoruself with good food, you are taking a step toward Christ in eating this*).
And after dinner, when I was still hungry, I had some frozen goats milk yogurt with peanut butter. While it was “scary” and I’m really full right now, I know that I can do this through Christ who strengthens me and get a hold of this relapse because I KNOW who must be in control, and it is not anorexia.