Recovery from an eating disorder is hard in so many ways.
And while in some ways I have been “in recovery” for several years, I am in physical recovery from a relapse right now. Holding myself accountable.
And in the midst of physical and spiritual pain I am so constantly aware more than anything of the necessity for all of it for Christ’s sake and just the beauty that is in store.
Here are my current top ten reasons for recovery (although there is every reason in the world).
Having Children One Day. If I’m called to. Even those who survive anorexia without recovery for multiple years are not healthy enough to carry a baby (of course because of the loss of period). I will see my Lord in the return of that.
Clarity in Conversations. Life with this disorder means no motivation to hang out with friends, to laugh, to enjoy yourself. It sucks the life out of you. I am an inherently fun-loving busy-loving energetic person, and that was taken away from me. And the more I succumbed back and forth the more it just slowly happens, less motivation to go out, to see people. And today, I had a huge realization. Daniella, Michael, Ryan and I had plans to hang tonight. They all love coming to Waterloo so they came here and we just watched YouTube videos and movies in my living room. And Daniella even commented on the fact that she was seeing my true smiley self again. She knows me better than most, and that was so encouraging because I FEEL it, too, and I recognize again that food is literally NECESSARY for the brain to not be fogged over. This factor alone, knowing that I need food to pursue a life for the Lord is so good. And constant reminder of how much FUN I had tonight that I haven’t in so long just due to tiredness and consummation.
Healthy Hair. When I first recovered from anorexia over 3 years ago, I’d lost so much hair, and in the past few months I have been again. I want to lose as little as possible of course and this is a motivation to eat and keep it healthy!
Kathryn. I am constantly giving Kathryn advice and turning to the Word with her, and I know all this means nothing if I am not prayerfully seeking clarity myself. I have so much that I believe and know to be true that I want her to learn too but they apply for me too, just the same, as we are all one in the body of Christ.
Working Out. I really miss going to the gym, having full energy in dance class and teaching, and being able to go for looong runs.
Continually Less Defined By “This.” Right now, this disorder consumes enough of my life for it to be a commonplace thing that people see of think of me; simply and terribly just less opportunity for the LORD to be seen in me. Ultimately this is the biggest and most important–crucial actually– factor of recovery.
A Future With An Eating Disorder Is Non-Existent. Continual submission to the devil in this way is fatal. There is no light at the end of the tunnel besides recovering, and that is a reality that helps make the non-sensical stuff in my head logical.
No Fear of Food.
Eating disorders are not about food or weight. However, we use food and weight as a way to mask our emotions and past traumas. Food becomes like an enemy to us, even though food is our
sustenance. Food should be neither feared nor glorified, and in recovery you come to really understand and believe that. When you challenge yourself in recovery, the negative thoughts attached to food begin to diminish. Food becomes enjoyable rather than fearful. Jeannette Suros
Because I like Soy Milk in my Coffee. Lord, help me to come in combat with the voice that tells me I’m weak for “admitting” this.
To Go to Family Dinners with No “Fear.” I ate so well this past Thanksgiving with little anxiety. Let’s do that again!
To Have a Mind Cleansed. From thoughts that clearly don’t resemble/aren’t from the Lord. That cloud every moment of every day with calorie counts and obsessiveness.
To Help Others Without Being a Hypocrite. I feel moreso lately a calling to reflect and pray on how He might be calling us to the best treatment for eating disorder recovery. Because if there is something really good that really clicks, I pray that He leads me there.