My sister is a gem and loves photography– not to mention she’s incredible at it. Every once in a while she takes pics of me and has such vision for what will work with the blog– I wanted some outside my new house, and so these!
This weekend has been great.
For my friend Emma’s birthday, we went to Beertown, a restaurant I love. The Lord granted me the gift and responsibility of presence, energy, and laughter. And hunger. And lack of anxiety in responding to the hunger.
I had a really delicious pad Thai, not an Ed decision whatsoever and 100% something I wanted.
I have been eating pasta dinners, potatoes, drinking soy milk. Increasing my monounsaturated fats a bit. I just bought goats milk yogurt, something I’ve “felt afraid of” (?????) for months and stuck in the freezer to hopefully have for brekkie tomorrow. It’s full fat and NORMAL, something my body is screaming at me for.
Right now, I am prayerfully “sucking up the voices and eating more.” And I’m realizing that it’s not meant to be this easy thing. Years worth of damage has been done to my body. It is confused.
I have been through a recovery phase before, and know that regular eating is physically painful at first (the undernourished body simply can’t take a normal amount of food, let alone the adequate recovery amount), but that it will become normal. And listening to the now very clear conviction planted in me by the Holy Spirit is all I can do, what I must do, and all I want to do.
I KNOW that the Lord’s Word on eating is that it’s okay. I certainly know He did not destine me for a life succumbed to a disorder that is constantly thinking about food and numbers. I hear His voice and awe in His answers to my prayers.
Recently, His Spirit has been specifically and very intentionally interceding. So often in a day, out of habit, I start planning certain aspects of my life involving what the devil will and won’t “allow” me to eat.
In the past week, I have not done that less since I was ten years old.
And I mean that in the most literal sense. It has been nothing of me and has been happening like this:
I will think, Oh, I better figure out exactly what I’m eating on November 12.
And then forget the thought. Experience it moved from my head and doing something productive for a bit, like checking syllabuses, praying, etc.
At some point getting that “what was I just thinking about?” feeling; remembering; amazed and praising; and then realizing…
- Any time spent doing this, in my case, is time given to the devil.
- I often have the urge to spend time in these disordered thoughts in the midst of some other sort of stress. So the Lord has revealed to me that it is a coping mechansim; a distraction for something bigger; and this is great knowledge moving into therapy this week.
- Life IN CHRIST is always better… not for my sake but for His… and that is what makes it good. Amen.
All things “eating disorder recovery” have been on my heart lately as I realize that I have some spiritual healing to take seriously in giving prayerful advice to a beautiful friend of mine who the Lord is working through in me so much, too.
Take heart, for I have overcome the world. JOHN 16:33
My English essay (for which one of the topic choices is Christian representation in fairy tales!) I reference this passage in my thesis. And yes the Lord has overcome the trials of this world so let us not look to them. Lord it used to terrify me that you wanted to take these thoughts that I thought were my comfort and refuge away from me, but you have taught me that you know better and you need me to heed. To bow and repent. And to listen.
To stay in conversation with my boyfriend despite resentment of the distance; to only rejoice because all we want is His will and to be used by Him, and He is clearly using Johnny and clearly using me, calling us to a once in a lifetime challenge in this distance, of sacrifice and care for another.
To love my family, unconditionally and never with judgement. For I keep having this image of beautiful Jesus, and He is here with me now but with a group, and just delighting in every single last person every one, and how He calls us to be like that. Jesus Christ loves.
To advocate for whole and healthy foods, cooking with the girls and staying near them too, in prayer and heart.
Smiling and laughing. Big ones that were taken away. The Lord has been showing me His sense of humour a lot lately.
Are you struggling with an eating disorder? Wondering what recovery looks like?
More of that is coming on cassiescookery, if I continue to feel led in the misintry of advocating for this healing. For now:
For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer. 1 TIMOTHY 4:4-5