THOUGHTS THURSDAY: Challenges

This morning I was greeted with an unfamiliar feeling, that was unmistakable.

I had a craving. Like my stomach my brain whatever you wanna call it spoke about what it wanted for breakfast.

I usually have no concept of what I “feel like” to eat. The idea of that is so foreign to me. But this morning, when I thought about a bowl of oatmeal with some toppings, I was like, ehhh. 

I still wanted oatmeal. Like, genuinely. 

But I wanted it baked, and I wanted dates.

I’ve had a box of dates in my pantry that I haven’t touched in months. But I wanted them. So I made baked and broiled oats with chocolate peanut butter, full day goat milk yogurt, and date sauce (that tasted like salted caramel!)

To make this, I just baked equal parts quick oats (from Purely Elizabeth— get them at Natural Is Smarter using my discount code CASSIE) for 25 mins at 450 degrees. I topped it with cacao peanut butter (mix 1 T natural pb with 1 T cacao and stevia), half a giant gala apple chopped up and sprinkled with cinnamon, and 3 chopped saver dates and broiled in the oven for about 3-4 minutes. Then I added a little bit of the goat milk yogurt. Ah, something so different and seemingly impossible to eat but no, nothing is impossible in Christ.

And after a study in Revelation this morning, I was intent in prayer and seeking after His heart. As I pray is always the case. What He must think of how reading Revelation prompts our more close regard for an always-Truth.


I also promised a recipe to you on my Instagram FOR vegan cinnamon no-bake balls that I made my little sis for her bday. Here ya are:

In a small bowl, combine 1/2 c coconut oil, 1/4 c powdered sugar, 1/2 cup brown sugar. Mix well. Add 1 1/4 c flour, 2 tsp cinnamon, 1 tsp salt, 3 T vanilla unsweetened almond milk. For phenomenal consistency, add 1 T organic cornstarch. Work into a dough; form into balls, rolling with palms of hands. 

To make topping, combine 2 T vanilla almond milk with 3/4 c powdered sugar, and mix to get rid of clumps. Add more or less milk for desired consistency. Drizzle over cinnamon balls. Chill approximately 1/2 hour to firm. Also delicious heated up! 

Sista on her bday

Finally, I am proposing a challenge.

For the month of November, I want to be held accountable for challenging fear foods. 

So, every time I have oatmeal, I want to try a new topping combination. No repeats! I feel that I may quickly run out, and be prompted to incorporate new foods. I pray over my next grocery trip that it would be a simple means of me buying foods that I like to fuel myself for the Lord, the devil through this disorder away from my restrictive food choices.

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. JOHN 14:1-2

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WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: The Prophetic Carrot

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace. ACTS 20:24

Johnny and I had a wonderful talk last night about some tough stuff but that was just wonderful because of Christ. 
Solidifying a lot of what I already know and what had been on my heart a lot.

All of ME WANTS to be all the Lord’s. WANTS and desires Christ’s full Spirit, everything He has. The enemy has worked to block some of that off. That doesn’t mean that the Lord can’t completely in one second obliterate that– He can, oh man of course He can, He can do ALL things and far greater things. But His will is often in processes, and He provides resources, support through His Spirit that should of course be prayed on, and endless compassion. 
This morning when I woke I did more study in Acts before my awesome Bible class. 
I always wake up really early, as I love mornings, I eat breakfast in bed every day (kind of my thing) with coffee in a cozy sweater doing my study. The temp in my house is always just right… and waking up extra early is my only chance in the day that doesn’t have scheduled work. This has been a wonderful thing, as the enemy often whispers, You’re disgusting. How could you choose to wake up earlier JUST to eat breakfast? You could easily skip it.
But I choose to wake up early through my Lord Jesus because I need time with Him, specifically just with Him. Because He requires that, at a very minimum, of me. And it is the best part of the day in many ways.

Any way, this morn I made my coffee humming worship music and made a big breakfast: giant amount of oats with peanut butter, cacao, chopped apple and banana. I also chomped on another carrot (see yesterday’s post) I think because the victory was what had tasted so good.


Maddie, Mary and I headed off to our 9am Bible class, which was great and so informative as usual. I love this prof! 

Maddie, Mary and I had great talks and just enjoyed each other’s company all morning. After class, I had just a little window before heading to work. I packed a giant chopped cucumber with peanut butter, and ate it before work with a soy cappuccino for obviously just a small lunch. I’ve been finding that having such small amounts of time to make food leaves me panicky and therefore often more succeptible to eating less– I have been making up for it, though. I drank plenty of tea through the shift, which was so wonderful today! I always love being at work and the opportunities for communicating with people. 

After my shift, I headed home knowing I needed dinner and feeling hungry for it! I have so much in me that feels like a GOOD source that really just wants to be stronger. Knows I need to be and knows that means resting for now SO THAT I’m able to work out again. 

I made dinner when I got home with only a bit of time to eat it; I had some of a sweet potato, chicken, and broccoli and green beans, knowing I’d need more before bed. But heading to dance class straight away, I was very full and uncomfortable. Increasing my food has needed to be slow and steady, but I am working to full recovery amounts and will soon be doing so with the help of a doctor as well. 

Dance class was great, and I am working so intently on regaining some flexibility! My wonderful friend Laura is in the class and she always instantly brightens me.


On my walk home from dance, an old man was standing at a corner in the freezing cold with a bubble machine blowing bubbles. I smiled my head off as I popped a few, so encouraged by the man’s grace and lightness. “You have a beautiful smile!” He said, “That’s why I do this– because people should smile more!” It was so wonderful. I smiled all the way home and ate my snack— a bowl of full fat (!!!) goats milk yogurt with peanut butter. And a cheeky vanilla rooibos tea😉.

I have tons of studying to do all night, but not before Maddie and I sat together in prayer for each other, for wisdom, and I love witnessing the Lord growing her, steadfast that she has the words and is so intent on knowing Him and in prayer. Thank-you, Lord, for Maddie. Thank-you for this home that is yours. Thank-you for food and all your victories today. 

TOP TEN TUESDAY: Time

Treasures in Heaven

19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. MATTHEW 6

One of my classes currently is on the book of Matthew, and I have been, in addition to the readings and course work, called to devote a lot of prayer time over the Sermon on the Mount, which I’ve also read many times before.

The sermon talks much about our “reward in Heaven.” And this passage on our treasures… I understand that any treasure on this earth means nothing. Any physical, worldly treasure, and often the devil starts to tick tick tick away at my head and make “treasures” out of calorie counting, idols out of “planning ahead,” the Spirit intercedes with Come to me. Let me lead. 

He doesn’t get frustrated.

He always loves.

Lord, I am in awe of you. 

Here are ten things that the were not in “my plans” that allowing the Spirit to intercede with led to an, of course, much better plan.

Chat with Mary. All in a ball of stress today, when I came home from a study session and a midterm, I anxiously started making lunch. The Spirit was in the middle of renouncing a voice telling me not to add some carrots to my lunch when Mary popped out of her room and gave me a big smile and an even bigger hug. She has been away on a trip to different places in Europe for two weeks, and seeing her was so beautiful, but also set off stress. You don’t have time to hear about Mary’s trip, you have so much studying to do. 

But Mary said, “Can I give you your birthday gift?”

She had a beautiful post card with a long note and a notebook and key chain for me, and I was so overwhelmed by her thoughtfulness. We proceeded to talk all about her trip and the ways the Spirit had been working on our hearts the past week and I just dove into what the Lord needed in the conversation. Maddie came out of her room later in a similar stressed state and we all ended in a massive hug and with big smiles and hearts softened by our Lord. Man, He is so good.


Midterm. I had an 80 minute midterm today that consisted of two 5 paragraph essays on topics we had not been given prior to the exam. When I got the midterm, I felt a sense of stress and readied myself to pray, when the enemy interceded saying You don’t have time to pray, just get to it.

I heard the Lord smile, and say, Actually, that is all you have time for. I am all that makes anything you do on this earth a treasure. So I prayed:

Lord, show me how to glorify, honour, and serve you in these essays the way you see fit. I pray that by your will your Spirit would intercede and produce work that pleases and praises you. Amen.

Kenya. Sunday night at work, both Kenya and I talked about how important it was that the two of us caught up and supported one another in our busy time. The only free time for both of us in the coming week was yesterday morning, but we were both laughingly hesitant at the thought of a missed chance to sleep in. She is such a light, and I knew any time with her would be so good… and it was. She brightened me so much, and we shared things with one another that I think helped the other in a way that she didn’t know she needed.


Answering the Phone. Last night after birthday dinner for my little sister, I felt convicted of drawing attention to myself and allowing the disorder to take over. I felt so badly afterwards, when I went home and made myself a good snack as I hadn’t had a proper dinner out. So selfish, I realized, Especially on Court’s birthday. I planned to text her, but my mom called and said, “We forgot to sing happy birthday!” So I sang over the phone from my house while the fam was over in Kitchener with cupcakes, and asked to talk to Courtney after, apologizing to her and asking her forgiveness. And then telling my mom that I was eating a good snack!

Birthday Timbits. Courtney loves when I make her vegan food, but when I only had an hour and a half of free time before her dinner last night, I wondered if I should use it for homework. I knew, though, that I would have more time for homework later that evening, and even more that baking would mean some awesome time in prayer and worship. So I made vegan cinnamon timbits (my own recipe… I’ll post here at some point)!


Phone Call With Johnny. Talking to my love is never a chore, but always something that makes me excited. The enemy is good though at making our phone calls, our only source of connection beyond text, seem like an “agenda item,” when really they are so important and furthering our relationship has been affirmed by the Lord something that is Kingdomly and good and may it always be that way! One of the things I love about Johnny is his Christ-like ability to make bad things/scary things/hardships good, even just in his sense of humour or positivity, and this is so evidently Christ in him, who is the source of all love. Tonight’s phone call was something I thought about missing in order to get chores and homework done– but it was a phone call that was so necessary and for the Lord.


House Decorating and Prayer. A few nights ago, Maddie and I took time together in prayer and warming up our home that we announce needs to just shine forth the Holy Spirit to all who enter! Both of us tired and spent, we thought about skipping the time but it was so good and to Christ’s glory.

Time with Friends at My Party. A sense of me felt for a while at my birthday party pressured to spend the whole thing floating and about with everyone, so when opportunities presented themselves to take individual time for talks and pressing in with loved ones I felt unsure. But I devoted time to individual friends and knew that those conversations in which His Kingdom might be reflected through His Holy Spirit working– Lord, I prayed, Let this be a night that glorifies You that you might be smiling over us and in us— and prayed for sensitivity over what the Holy Spirit needed.

My beautiful friend Jess from Starbucks who knows Kathryn. Don’t know the story?

Head to this Blog Post.

Carrots. I am in no way saying that eating a carrot is a big or massive deal or that I have disordered irrationalities about carrots being a large amount of food but those who have had disordered eating know that these illnesses can often manipulate the most laughable things, like making carrots seem “abnormally big.” I bought a bag of carrots a few days ago that I have reached for the past few days and been met with another voice: These are too big in size, they’re way too much food. And haven’t eaten any.

After my phone call with Johnny tonight, I spent more time in prayer and heard the enemy knocking with this carrot statement again and stood up, marched to the kitchen, and ate the biggest carrots in the bag. Lord, you were strong in me just now and I praise you for this victory!! 

Night with Beth. Tonight, Beth,one of my dearest and closest friends and I both were busy and feeling the stress of school but had made plans to hang out tonight and watch Ben and Lauren’s Bachelor spin off. We ended up chatting for a long time aboutwhat Christ has been doing in our lives and our boyfriends and all sorts of things-/ shoulda known. We did still watch the show, though. Beth is amazing and pursues Jesus so evidently with her whole heart and it is difficult to put words to how beautiful He is in her. She also wrote me a beautiful card and got me a Kate Spade journal and coffee cup for my birthday– way too thoughtful. We have gotten so much closer this year and I’m so blessed by this friendship that we have both felt declared in many ways so fruitful for The Lord.


MOTIVATION MONDAY: 

Though alive I’m dead in sin.

My flesh is not even but a speck in God’s realm of forever. 

Only Christ’s Spirit in me is not “just a speck.” 

My purpose is to fulfill His. Which is of becoming more like Him, only through Him.

I have been thinking much lately on “image.”


It is innate in the Holy Spirit’s doing to lead one to follow the Lord. But it is clear that the enemy has cloaked much of us in a veil of “because I can’t see God, or physically hear Him, this isn’t His working Spirit.” And rather, we become not more like Christ in and through allowing Him to simply move in us (note: of course He doesn’t need our “approval” or allowing to move, but when we submit to the devil we are less filled up automatically), we can become clones of those around us, idolizing immediate and nearby figures and ideals rather than gathering all peace and identity and joy in His plans and will. 

It is my little sister’s birthday today. She turns 16🎉!!

We see people “side” automatically with the position of their boyfriend/girlfriend, trusted peer, parent, etc., perhaps in trying to please or in assuming this person is right because of a perceived intelligence or right relationship with God. Something in us desires affirmation not from the Lord that it is good for His Kingdom– ultimately all that matters– but that is unconsciously often self-serving and needy. 

We all have been to blame for this I think, seeking approval from other humans for a worldly serving rather than the approval of CHRIST for a Kingdom serving

When you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. (Matthew 6:16)

This has really been in my spirit and I’ve prayed about it a lot in terms of my own life, steered by Jesus.

This article is one of the best and most accurately Biblical sourced I’ve seen on the idea of God-intended and God-glorifying eating. I feel immensely called to this form of spreading His Word, especially as I think on how every bad thing can be made good because it was once just good– but only our Lord is capable of such. 

In terms of my struggles with an eating disorder,

AND GOD MADE THE STOMACH FOR FOOD AND FOOD FOR THE STOMACH, AND HE SHALL DESTROY BOTH

shouldn’t this knowledge be enough?! I scream at and berate my head, That you know these voices aren’t from God, He’s given you confirmation that you shouldn’t obey them, this does nothing for His Holy and eternal Kingdom; also simply the differences from one Christian human to another because of succumbment to the ideologies of a trusted neighbour’s projection of God rather than the Holy Spirit Himself (not always the case as Christian role models are important, but sometimes there)–

I feel His love as He confirms in me, I am doing a great and new thing, be excited. I am using this story and keep listening to Me. I am making the bad good, just as at what was once only good has been made bad.

Lord, I pray for an unclouded head to serve you. For a heart that stretches everywhere for you because you’ve moved it miles, for a soul that is trusting in your mercy and plans because you’ve taken in over. For food wiped clean, WIPED CLEAN of the enemy’s negative connotations and for it to be clearly seen for what it is. 

For YOUR sake. In your Name.

Amen. 

MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY: Mind Racing

Today my mind is 

Therapy homework and Bible study and readings and tests and learn Starbucks drinks and Sunday School lesson plans and choreograph 5 dances and eat well and go to dance class and prayer is most important and be happy and smiley and organize the house and wear the best clothes and remind Johnny how much you love him and prioritize friends and family and upkeep the blog and your physical health

racing.

I’ve been ignoring the fact, I think l, that I am burning out. For days, I have no choice but to be GO-go-go from the moment I wake up (I always wake with at least an hour and a half for prayer and time with the Lord and in the Word), to the moment I hit the pillow. It’s caused me to usually have to stay up until 2am or later to do homework. Last night I sleep walked to the shower and while showering half-conscious realized that I actually needed a shower… my brain had been racing in my sleep.

Kathryn. Man I love you.

Ever since I can remember, I have been this girl that needed to do everything. When I was a preteen, before the development of any disordered eating I cried if I got less than an A- on anything. I was on every possible club. I was go-go-go. 

My councillor suggests that when I developed disordered eating, it was an excuse to be “doing something” rather than thinking about the dark stuff of my subconscious. I now happen to think she’s quite right. 

Lord, may I BREAK before you.

In these times when the enemy directed my attention to what would harm me rather than to breaking before my Saviour in one messy, I NEED YOU. ONLY YOU.

The reality is, I love being busy and productive. It’s a good thing, and the Lord has confirmed so much of what I’m doing as good in His name, as good for His Kingdom. 

Jesus, may I give to YOU every piece of me, my life simply an offering to You.

What is 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETtz8bTL5i0

This messy me? Where does it fit?

Where does my need to appear collected, to appear “perfect” come from?


For as long as I can remember, that has seemed so important.

Be perfect. Which means doing

everything. 

Which means a blog that is just recipes and none of this haphazard content.

But the reality is I feel called to this haphazard content……

What is this……

Because life is in the little things.

The broken moments eating porridge and drinking coffee in bed when everything breaks down // this am.

the grief, the loss, the pain // a little later this am.

The epiphany *THANKS BE TO GOD* I need you, Jesus Christ. 

this photo is very real to me.

Lunch that I didn’t think I was capable of eating (cuz me in submission to the enemy, wasn’t. Christ in me, yeah) // this aft.

Smiling so big in the middle of a lecture hall because I’m so love. With Jesus, with my best friend Johnny, with the family He blessed me with, with the people I’m surrounded by, but more than anything with the promise of His Kingdom come for His goodness // now. 

That, that is real life. Monday I’ll share a vegan ice cream cake recipe with you (of my own for lil sissy’s bday, we’ll see how this goes). But today I have been a bit of a mess, and erm, that’s ok.

a post tears smile

Voices that say:

  1. You’re not going to eat anything tomorrow so that you can drink alcohol (I’m having people over for my bday). 
  2. You have to do an hour of intense cardio every day.
  3. You must focus all your attention on ensuring it looks like you’re doing better, but that you don’t actually gain any weight.

Ok. Breathe.

Lord, intercede.

Let’s turn these thoughts around.

  1. You are going to eat tomorrow so that you have energy to have a good night with your friends. You don’t need to starve yourself to drink alcohol.
  2. You don’t have to do anything. Cardio is also the worst way to get your period back, and that is priority for your body right now.
  3. Every piece of you is identified in Christ. He is where your meaning is. 

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” JEREMIAH 17:7-8

WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: Recovery Is…

Painful. Physically and mentally.


Ya girl had two dinners out in a row and had periods of intense anxiety when the food was in front of me–

I can’t do it I can’t eat this what am I doing I want to run this is so much food this will hurt me 

Which led to just prayer–

Holy Spirit, help me to laugh just the way you do at these meaningless voices. Fill my body with just you, that I may be able to see this food the way You do.

And both nights, I ate full meals.

My stomach has been in constant pain and confusion at the new food. I have been slowly increasing my intake since this relapse and still am not eating nearly enough but if I ate anymore at this point I would burst. It is a day at a time sort of thing.

This morning, I woke with overwhelming peace.

Maddie, my roommate and I, have become closer than I could have imagined. We both agreed that after a stressful day yesterday in which we prayed for peace, we woke up in the joy of the LORD this morning– convicted in that, AH, we woke up in the same omni alive joy yesterday.

I did a long study in 2 Peter with prayer and then made a bigger breakfast than I’ve had in a while– 2 full servings of oats with cacao peanut butter and a chopped apple. Yum😜


After early breakfast, lots of work emails and Sunday School planning and dance choreography, Maddie and I headed to our Bible class for 9am. It was great as usual! I am learning so much in this class.

Maddie shopped with me for a bit as a roommate of mine got me a gift card to the Laurier book store for my birthday. I barely know her, and so I was overwhelmed by her thoughtfulness! 

I headed to work, where I barista-ED from 1-6. I was on bar (making drinks) for a long rush period today and had a straight few minutes where I couldn’t stop smiling, thinking, I’ve wanted to learn to do this forever. I love doing this. I feel so called in this. Lord, may I continue to be your light here. 

I made some really bomb drinks today. And on my break, I drank a soy blonde caffe misto. I also put soymilk in my tea before leaving work!!

Refereshed by conversations with co-workers and the peace of the Lord in the midst of a stomach that, I realized, hadn’t eaten solid food in 12 hours– I headed home. That is one of the most difficult things about the early stages of recovery: my breakfast filled my tummy for the whole day and made me feel so full all day. But one must push. I listened to music and read all the way home, where I had my new favourite for  dinner: turkey and sweet potato with a goat yogurt-peanut sauce (tons of goat yogurt, don’t worry). Sound weird? Believe me, it’s out of this world delicious. I also munched on a few carrots.

I had dance class at 8, so I rushed there next. I had such an amazing night to myself. This class is so challenging but also accessible, good to take at one’s own pace. I am so nearly there in my left leg splits! My kicks are so much higher and I am so proud of my arabesques and turn techniques. I am rediscovering this passion for moving my body, seeing definition in muscles rather than bones, knowing the Lord wants me strong and not weak. Also knowing that I am easily deceived and for my health, for my God, must stay accoutanble that I am not losing weight.

Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin. As a result, they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. 1 PETER 4:1-2

TOP TEN TUESDAY: Currently…

Song. Say You Won’t Let Go by James Arthur is currently my most listened to and favourite song. It holds an unexplainably special place in both mine and Johnny’s hearts. I don’t even think either of us have been able to fully communicate that to each other in words, but the Spirit has affirmed its life in our lives, and MAN it’s cool. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0yW7w8F2TVA

Food. Goat’s Milk Yogurt is something I’ve finally been eating again. Since my allergy it’s been one of my fav foods, but the full fat content is something the devil used to scare me. Ha. It’s delicious with peanut butter and sweet potato. 


Spirit. Prayer and Conversation with the Lord. I have been lead so frequently lately to the importance of our always turning to the Spirit, actually kneeling before Him not just in repentance or worship or prayer but in so many more circumstances! To always be welcoming and recognizing His presence. He accomplishes this in us. 

Tea. Chocolate Hazelnut and Chai. Emma got me a lovely stash for my birthday, and I’ve been mixing these two together and it’s heavenly.

Dance. Teaching dance can easily have its way in not shining light. I am just feeling so strongly that I could easily “just teach” and totally ignore the Spirit’s intercession. But I don’t want to do that! Today I had some incredible genuine laughs and talks and solid and such effortful classes with all my students. I feel so blessed to get to teach these kids. 

Dad’s Birthday. My dad’s birthday is the dad after mine, so today! I had a lovely two birthday dinners in a row with my fam, and while both came with A LOT of food anxiety, with that came a ton of prayer and just leaning and listening to God, and eating very well.


Fitness. Trying to get back into the gym. Is this a bad idea? Honestly don’t know. Praying and talking with my councillor, but it feels good. All I know is that running and working out just my arms tonight with my beautiful, light-shining friend Jacqueline did not leave me feel convicted or sucked in.

Class. I’m loving my Romantics class. I usually hate poetry but I have a found a love and awe for it. I’m not good at writing it, but my prof communicates so well how the intention and invention of poetry is for the naturalistic and edited emotion of one’s soul put to rythmic prose. So beautiful. 

Kira’s Baby. My beautiful friend Kira gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Jace, on my birthday. I am really looking forward to seeing her and welcoming the boy.


Oats. My new absolute favourite brand is Purely Elizabeth ancient grain oats. They cook perfectly thick and are just ah😍 to get your hands on them and start making my oatmeal recipes, plus nut butters, and TONS of other amazing products head to Natural Is Smarter… OH YAH, and help yourself to my discount code CASSIE at the checkout!