Today was exceptional in ways beyond my capacity or call to blog about, really, at least that is how I feel for now– however, the Holy Spirit has performed miracles in my life today, and where a brain once convoluted with calorie counting, lack of awareness, and constant distraction from not only Christ but people and situations was, today, a soul and spirit renewed, that laughed and made jokes, that was stopped in every attempt to focus on food during a conversation, that loved, that ate in public, that took medicine she had the day before been in fear of.
Which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, take your mat and walk’? MARK 2:9
I don’t like to admit it, but it has been a long time since I have been fully awake.
And today, I can with full confidence in Christ say that no, I didn’t not struggle with eating and this is still something I need to continually give over, but I was alert in every conversation, in hanging with my friend Laura I laughed genuinely, loudly, my super obnoxious laugh, in hanging with my sister I was engaged in our time the entire four hours where I have struggled since the presence of my eating disorder to pay attention to much of anything for more than five minutes.
Those who have known you a while would tell you I used to be so attentive to detail. And while I’ve always been driven, I once had much more drive.
Today, I felt a weight that is not of me nor my Saviour gone. A weight I didn’t even know was there, or had gotten used to.
A lot of my loved ones have demonstrated beautiful patience with me in this zombie bit of my life.
But succintly, I am excited for LIFE.
This morning, anyway, I woke early to do some readings and homework and study. It was really early, and so I just had some tea and berries with sunflower seed butter for breakfast.
I had my class called “The Bible” this morning, in which I took pages and pages of notes and learned so much; my prof is fantastic. The three hour lecture flew by and I WANTED FOOOOOD.
I headed home and joked around with Madds in the kitchen while making brunch, exactly what I felt like; a giant serving of oats with sunflower seed butter alongside coffee, of course. I was snacking on celery and cucumber, too.
My sister Krystal came over in the early afternoon, and we had planned to study together– but didn’t study at all. We just had SOO much to talk about, and it felt so good to be near her and catch up with her– she is a blessing.
Krystal ended up staying through dinnertime, and I noticed without much thought that I was hungry! I had a chicken breast and some carrots amid a bit of fear, knowing it was a small dinner and to be on guard.
All throughout the day I took the natural medicine my naturopath had prescribed; to help with my appetite, digestion, and deficiencies. One of the most dangerous things about an eating disorder is the unavoidable zinc deficiency, which plays a huge role in regulating appetite and taste. The less food, the less zinc, the less cravings, the less enjoyment– on top of a mindset that already praises little eating. When I was prescribed these supplements, I was last night immediately filled with, “I’m not takin these, nothing to do with them, they’re going in the garbage.”
By God I took them today, with little anxiety and full confidence.
After I ate, Laura came over and we hung out before our Technique and Stretch class, which was awesome. The teacher is so chill and genuine, and it felt SOOOO GOOOOOD to be back in dance, and not just teaching it. Feeling a little less energetic, too, was an extra push to knowing and affirming that I need more food.
Two hours of cramming followed, and I’m just now sitting down to blog.
I am healing and learning that I want LIFE, and my personality fully here. I’m praising my Lord and noting so many genuine smiles and laughs today. Foreign in the best way.