WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: Over My Head
Welcome back to another blog post!I want not to get as personal, maybe, in these posts. I think this is on my heart as I have been in a struggling place and I want this blog to convey the Lord’s goodness and not be a place of anything else mixed with that.
Except, edit, today was too incredible not to share each minute of, to write out and it’s on my heart to do so so man I’m just gonna let it pour out if y’all are alright with that.
This morning I woke to a ton of texts from my mom. I called her and we talked and it was really good, and I realized something massive.
Something that Christ has already revealed to me, I think, but that I have neglected to dive in to in fear. That I have neglected, period. His voice that I have neglected. I have dismissed help for my eating disorder, multiple times.
And I have dismissed the help in saying, “I don’t need help. I just need God.”
Which is totally true. I just need God.
But God provides resources. And has worked in and through the love of my family and friends. I feel my boyfriend’s prayers and loving me through it and his knowing that the disorder is dead and Jesus has all power and victory over it. And I feel it through my friends, and as I’ve prayed and been like God, why can’t I surrender this? I realize that He may have put the resources in front of me to do so, because this mental illness is one that needs to be conquered through Him, and FOR Him, and well, maybe I’m not even in the position to ask for that help.
Because like I’ve learned, through Him, the past few weeks– there are parts of me that simply WANT the disorder. That are afraid of any alternative. These parts are from the disorder itself– the devil.
And so, the most significant and truly awful conclusion– all these times I have said, “All I need is Jesus,” that has been my flesh. It has been a sneaky loophole for the devil. A cop out, if you will.
“Speak these words because you know they’re true, and then you won’t have to change a thing,” says the devil disguised as a sweet voice that enjoys convincing me it has hold and worth, “You can keep not eating. You can stick over here with me.”
And when the Lord put this on my heart this morning, I felt so nauseated to the point I thought I was going to puke.
And so after the phone call with my mom and time in prayer, confident in Christ, I set out for my breakfast of the month with Daniella and Insia, prayerful and having asked for forgiveness for this serious and sickening crime, this using the Lord’s name literally in vain.
And for breakfast I had exactly what I felt like: oatmeal at my work, in which I mixed a whole banana and a whole pack of Kraft peanut butter. It was really good to see my favourite waitress and old boss and some of the awesome cooks at my old restaurant. I was greeted so warmly. And the date with the girls was such a blessing, an awesome way to kick off the morning. We talked about all our boyfriends, our first week of school and future plans.
I headed home after breakfast, knowing I had a lecture from 1-4. When I arrived at home, my friend Michele was over visiting with Maddie and Mary, and I learned that there was a different and incredible sounding Christian Studies course alternative that I could take Wednesday morning rather than Wednesday afternoon that fit better with my schedule any way! I was so excited by this as I had a lot on my mind that I knew I wouldn’t have time for had I had the 1pm class. I transferred courses and caught up on what I’d missed from the morning with the girls.
I bussed to the mall then to run some errands and stopped at the kiosk Id just changed my phone plan to, receiving again such genuine help and kindness. I will never forget the customer service provided to me by this woman.
I had lunch when I got back home; a sweet potato with sunflower seed butter. So classic. Over lunch, I chatted with Maddie about all that God is doing in our lives. What a blessing I have in my housemates! She is coming to the true realization through the Word and Christ’s revelations that she cannot put her energy into impressing men, but only allowing the Lord to fill her. And knowing that He will lead her to truly desiring what is Kingdomly and good.
After our talk, I phoned my mom again, and apologized to her for much of my bitterness, the anger of which I believe has been fear, wishing she wouldn’t bring up me getting help. Pent up stuff. I told her these revelations and we set up some appointments, with my old therapist and the naturopath.
I talked to Johnny on the phone, too. And this was so vital as I have had pent up a lot of shame– for not talking to him enough about this struggle, bottling it up and, I know realize, leaving him in a position of not being “let in” on supporting me in this area. Which he has done, anyway. Because of Christ in him and, man, do I ever love him.
After a bit of reading, some incredible time in the Word and prayer, I made myself a chicken breast and broccoli with tahini for dinner. I must say, I pressure-cooked, spiced, and diced this simple food like a pro. Since I was a kid I have just understood food. Imagine how beautiful that could be, minus the disorder.
My shift tonight was amazing. I have come to a realization that I love closing shifts. I love and relish the night cafe vibes… I like the responsibility that comes with preparing the cafe for the next day… most importantly, I love the people I work with. Tonight, the bulk of the shift was with two incredible girls who, on top of such a day of revelation I opened up to so much. We had a solid hour with very few customers and were able to really connect while doing closing duties and all contribute to a truly beautiful conversation. Realizing that the girls could relate to me and have passion for mental health in various ways… their strengths and trials and perseverance totally ringing so sweetly. The shift flew by and I worked it and left it feeling blessed and praising my God.
Each and every day.
Thank-you Jesus, for energy I know I’m not supposed to have. Often you take over and I know these tears are caused by the overwhelm I experience in Your Spirit and love.