For the first time I can recall, today I saw a picture of myself and thought I looked… too thin.When I came out to the beach in my bathing suit today, my mom gasped. I didn’t see anything wrong until I saw pictures.
My eating disorder once had me convinced beyond a shadow of doubt that I would be happy and fulfilled once I lost weight. This is utter CRAP. There is no fulfillment in weight loss, let alone any sort of worldly succumbing, or “gain.”
This is literally just a trick the devil realized would work on me. And it has for a long time. And while Jesus has already won the battle, each time I focus on food/numbers I am “giving up my birthright,” giving up to the devil my OPPORTUNITY to have more cavities filled by the Holy Spirit.
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ROMANS 12:1
How much of this is “my fault?” My eating disorder is not my fault, but now that my humanness knows who has the reigns of my life, I need to let go of them, too. I suppose that’s an action. Do I need to rip them from the devil, or will Jesus do that? I pray and I allow Him to fill me and His light has shone through me for His glory and I am forever in awe of His movements.
Today I had an amazing conversation with my little sister who is day by day growing into an incredible woman in God’s image. She loves and gives and offers, caring and empathizing so Christ-like. Seeing that wisdom come through in her was so astonishingly beautiful, and served as a reminder in why these disordered habits CANNOT continue. But why is it that every time I pray and give these over and breathe before I eat there are still anxious thoughts? I don’t know the answer, but I know the Lord has perfect timing and I will continue to submit myself to Him.
All in all, the cottage trip so far has been blessed. Krystal, Courtney and I are making our annual music video; catching up with my grandparents has been such a gift. This place feels like home so much to me, and I am going to PRAISE and SERVE my gracious Lord Jesus here.
Today, August 23rd, before the sun came up, my best friend and love left with his momma for Otterburne, Manitoba. His distance feels so real now, and already I find myself wanting his embrace, his laugh, his wise words. But in all of this missing I am learning and being brought to my knees before Jesus– craving HIS arms, HIS smile, HIS wisdom. And in my earthly setting– merely a physical wayward for His indwelling– I am led continually to Johnny. Knowing right now that he is led to this new journey at Providence University makes me delighted spiritually and so I know the more I grow in Spirit, the more that DELIGHT will take over– along, perhaps, with the missing, the craving for him as my love for him increases.
I am excited to give all that my mere humanness has to my studies in HIM and His Word… to the old that is always being made new.
I come home from the cottage late Wednesday night. Too short of a trip, but lots to do and memories to make. Updates will be soon. Until then,
HE IS DOING A NEW THING.