For I know the plans that I have for you, says the LORD.
Sometimes, all the time, we just need JESUS.
Totally scratch that “sometimes.” Jesus is never a “sometimes.”
I realized today that in composing hundreds of blog posts over the past year I haven’t always been as transparent and authentic as perhaps I should. Often the dark parts are the most relatable and therefore the most curable, for the Lord knows all– even these dark parts from which He daily redeems us.
For the past few years, my mind has cycled through the same thing: eating approx. 2000 calories and feeling bloated, “disgusting,” and pained, back to eating 10-1400, still feeling full but yet with a hint of the numbness certain parts of me “crave.” The fact that I have any sort of bloating/fullness on 2000 cals shows how out of whack my metabolism is. The fact that such a restrictive amount of calories doesn’t leave me ravenous proves this further. I know I need to learn to just eat, but it can be so difficult when I feel these packages of voices coming down.
Anyway, for the past little bit I have been eating 2000 calories, still less than I should be but much better, and have gained a pound in about a month. Just one pound– of muscle, not fat. I look in the mirror, I walk around, and just feel chunks of fat hanging off me. Eating every day does this– no, the devil does this. He knows he can easily snatch me from my focus on racing to know Jesus, and so he continues to win me over. Knowing this and looking at it this way– I’m angrier than ever and know the Lord won’t let it happen.
And today, I ate well.
For breakfast I had my typical: a big bowl of oats with blueberries, banana, and cacao peanut butter.
After the shift, Cassia and I hung out in Uptown Waterloo, purusing cute coffee and clothes shops. I got a soy unsweetened iced coffee. For dinner, we went to the Works, where I had a chicken breast topped with bacon (!!!!!), goat cheese, and lettuce, and a house salad which I topped with a bit balsamic. Cassia is such a gift in my life and is so funny and has a heart for everyone. SO positive to be around!
After dinner, Johnny and I hung out together for a few hours. I could do nothing with him and it would be great, ya know?? We went and I played goalie while Johnny practiced some shots and he is incredible, passionate, and Jesus loving and I love him more each day. When I got home, I ate a quest protein bar and banana for a snack. It hit the spot and I didn’t want it– voices told me not eat it, but I’m pretty good at ignoring them– that is, The Lord is quite perfect at it.