Gooooooood evening! Let’s see if I can finish up this blog before midnight 😜
How has everyone’s day been? I’ve had a wonderful one. Did a study in Hosea, went shopping with my beautiful friend Laura, a wonderful five hour evening shift at Starbucks, and worked a while on my Women Studies Essay. Prayed often, praised often, wore my heart and spirit on my sleeve by the grace of Jesus.
At one point today, I was thinking a lot about Ed vs. Reality, and how, by genuinely the sole grace and revelation of the Lord my spirit and brain have come to know the reality of food: it’s a blessing, it’s okay to eat, and healthy food is important. This reality is a lot different from the warped images my eating disorder often fills me brain with. There were many years that I was so ill with the enemy, I couldn’t tell the difference between that reality of God’s purpose for food and those voices. Now, simply because I’ve fully accepted Christ as my Saviour, He continually puts on my heart the reality of food as His intended source of fuel.
When I was first recovering from anorexia, my mom was told to refeed me without any input from me on the food. When I literally refused to eat certain things she served me and cried for hours on end in front of things like bagels, pasta, burgers, etc., my mom called the clinic and asked what to do. They said to keep going– eventually I would eat. I couldn’t leave the chair till I did. There would be consequences, etc. It became so tiring though, and I would plead for my mom to let me eat things like kidney beans– plain– for a snack, cook meats separately for me to ensure no oil or seasonings, measure out my pastas, etc.
That was three years ago. Today, there are few foods I haven’t conquered, although there are still foods I have a difficult time eating. But I realized today: I have a sense of what I like and dislike, because Ed does still tell me I should be eating rice rather than oats because rice has less fat, I should limit nut butters to 2 Tbsp per day, I should eat more protein, etc., and I often, very often, am able to repel these voices by putting on the full armour of Christ– ie. allowing Him to work.
I also realized, though, how much of a habit I have of focusing on calories rather than nutrients, while the only type of advice I’d give to others is to pay attention only to macros and micros. For example, It is important and intended for our bodies to get more than one type of vegetable, but because I am can easily count the calories in raw cucumber and carrots, my Ed has in the past convinced me to eat only these and avoid the whole plethora of other veggies I enjoy, and that have their own benefits of micronutrients that I am passionate about and see so much beauty in. My getting energy from the same “safe” foods every day actually makes me quite sad, and I know that living this way is only a means the devil still has a hold, which I, and Jesus, are not okay with. I know He won’t leave me as I am, and His putting this on my heart to take and pray on has been really cool.
So I’m gonna talk more about this Ed vs. Reality thing, because, for those with eating disorders, you know the peace in speaking aloud about the reality of food.
Meanwhile and always,
For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings. HOSEA 6:6