Today I learned that I’m more of a morning person than I thought. I’m also spurting some shots my sister took of Johnny and I today throughout this blog cuz ya know, I love the weirdo. A lot actually. I thank God every day for the fact that our relationship is for Him, through Him, from Him. And that he is one of my greatest support people. Someone I can tell anything to, but also have a blast with.
I woke up bright and early at 4am in order to be on time for my 5am open shift at Starbucks. I needed fuel for the walk there and 5 hour shift, so I ate a quest bar at 4am. This was definitely an adjustment for my freaked out brain. Eating at 4am? What is this, breakfast? No, it’s pre work fuel, after which my stomach was still growling, more of a sign that I haven’t been eating enough.
I really liked the open shift actually. I learned all the procedures for preparing for the day, which is done between 5-5:30, and then the rush came almost right away and lasted till 9:30. I had a break at 7 where I had a cappuccino and when I finished at 10:30 I had Starbucks oatmeal and iced coffee. Ah, coffee and oatmeal and a bar all before noon? You bet. And you know what Ed, that’s normal. And what is normal? What is food? Nothing but a blessing and God’s way of fuelling me.
I have been praying a lot on my trouble eating enough and realized last night as I was hungry but afraid to eat this: that even though my brain and body reject the idea of food, God certainly doesn’t. God never wants me to, and I cannot begin to serve Him properly if I’m ignoring His voice and listening to one that would rather I starve myself and go undernourished. The Lord will provide for me, but in return He needs my full discipleship, my taking up the cross and following Him, my knock on His door. I pray Lord as you see fit that my eating disorder be away from my life. How can I be in full submission to my endlessly gracious God without any fuel in my tank and half a mind that is focused on controlling what I eat, how many calories I burn, and my waist decreasing? I can’t. HE is the source, the answer– not my comfort but my ONLY REASON for recovery and health, and also the ONLY WAY I’m going to get there. Some say it’s impossible to untrain the eating disordered mind, and I agree: it’s impossible without Jesus Christ. But the Lord makes that simple. Knowing Him and the gift of His indwelling Spirit means knowing a perfect person with the concept and empathy for someone experiencing an eating disorder, but no tolerance for the fixed position in one because He is fully capable of ridding it.