MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY: Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

“Excuse me, miss.”

“Hi!”
“I like to give credit where credit is due, and you’re gorgeous. I saw from over there and I had to come tell you. Didn’t want the opportunity to pass. Have a great day.”
A boy maybe in his early 20s approached me saying this. I was waiting at the bus stop. I left Johnny’s early this morning wearing the outfit I had planned to wear yesterday that Ed told me I looked “fat” in. My hair needed to be washed, my make-up was old, and it was almost 2pm and I hadn’t eaten besides a tin of Starbucks oatmeal because, like Ed said, “I was too fat.” It had been a beautiful morning with Laura until those voices set in but the Lord spoke much louder.

And this boy reminded me a few things.

1. There is never harm in going out of your way to make a person’s day. I have to tell you, I was truly flattered. He saw me from a distance and had the thought that I was “gorgeous,” a big enough thought that he went out of his way to bring it to my attention. It was this act of genuineness that I so needed.

2. Outer beauty doesn’t mean a thing. At that moment, the Lord had been glowing in me as I prayed and sought His will and lifted my Spirit to Him. And I know the Lord’s beauty is what he saw. Praise God!

3. Ed’s voices are meaningless. When he tells me I look fat, I don’t. I know my weight is on the low side of normal. I know I want to be able to work out so I can acquire lean muscle and be stronger. I know listening to him actually makes all of that less possible, and I know that because God is good– and I listened to Ed for seven years and he got me nowhere fast.
I am so boastful in my weakness as a human being so that I can display my pride in my Lord and Saviour alone. Something Ryan said last night really stuck in my Spirit:

“Decreasing the human element so that the Holy Spirit can increase.”

Something along those lines. It’s just so good. 


Similarly to all this, I want to talk about my oatmeal safety.

The number of days I haven’t had oatmeal for breakfast in the past few years is very slim. But do I freak out completely if I need to have something else? No. And in fact, my eating disorder truly gets mad at me when I DO eat this repetitively. He says I should be eating something more like black beans as my “starch,” (not even a starch what the fudge Ed) because they have less fat (by 2.5g lol), but i don’t like black beans. I like oatmeal– I would say it’s one of my five favourite foods. Maybe I’m more recovered in this sense than I think… But if I’m making oatmeal for dinner instead of eating what my mom prepares, that’s an issue. But lately, I’ve been sticking to chicken breast and baby potatoes. 

I sat after the boy approached me and just pondered and prayed.

Tonight Daniella’s sleeping over and we’re going to the gym, getting dairy free ice cream and watching movies like the old days. I am so blessed by this woman as without ever having an eating disorder she has put so much care and empathy into understanding it and is someone I can truly be myself around. God has blessed me with many people in my life like this, and I know that He has done good things in these friendships and will continue to.

The LORD is my Shepherd; I shall not want. 

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WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: From Him, For Him, Through Him

Hi! Happy Wednesday!

Today’s WIAW is succinct and includes mental barriers that didn’t feel so complicated at all today. The Lord is providing incredible strength in my Spirit and I can’t explain it beyond, let me tell you, He is working in me. Because what my eating disorder wants verses what the Lord needs and delivers on are exceptionally different.

This morning I woke and prayed on 2 Cornithians the second and third chapters. Over breakfast, which was baked oats with banana and cacao peanut butter, I worked on my online course, wrote some of my novel, semi caught up on the Bachelorette, and wrote some emails regarding my dance job in September.


I went into work a little early to meet Kenya, the girl I started my Starbucks training with and who has been such a light in my life and a light of the Lord. She’s been going through a rough time and I’ve felt called to work through and with Christ’s guidance lead her toward only Him. With her I had a soy cappuccino. 

I had just a quick 4 hour shift this afternoon, in the middle of which I had lunch of a cucumber with peanut butter, a cold brew coffee with a bit of soy milk, and a quest bar. 


After work, I was so excited to get to Johnnys and hang with him, and then to see our friends, Ryan and Maddie. Maddie is one of the girls I have the blessing of living with next year and Ryan is her boyfriend who is an incredible guy! We had such a Christ-centered and rich time together, talking about what the Lord has been teaching each of us and leading us to, lots of laughs, and fun. They’re amazing. We went mini golfing, and then to Boston Pizza for dinner. I had a half size bow tie  chicken vegetable pasta, and I praised the Lord for my genuine hunger (rare) and ability provided by His Spirit to focus on conversation with His children. That’s one of the coolest things about God; loving on His children is glorifying Him, because of how much He loves us. 

I ate white pasta and it’s only just sinking in now…. eh, I’m not gonna think about it. In this moment In fact, the Spirit won’t let me think about it. I’m just praising Him with all of me and praying on what He wants to accomplish. God. Is. SO. GOOD. Always. May His will be done and Holy name be glorified through you today and always! Jooooy

TOP TEN TUESDAY: Segments of My Novel

Good morning, friends!

Today I want to share some segments of my novel as I’ve spent the larger part of the morning writing before I head out with some friends.

image-4
We’ll pretend just for the heck of it that these two cuties are characters in the book… even though I wrote all of this years before I met Johnny 😉

 

Brother and Sister. THEY ARRIVED AT THE apartment, and Jeremy knew neither he nor Cheryl would sleep. They mightn’t even pretend to. Cheryl looked around the room, a faint smile on her face. “Somehow I always thought I’d end up here. I didn’t know how. I definitely didn’t think it would be like this.”

He wondered whether there wasn’t something they could do to pass the time in which the world was at rest but they weren’t, without thinking about the obvious.

“I like it, Jeremy. I’m proud of you.”

He didn’t really believe her, but that word, proud… it sent that rare feeling, that warm type of shiver through his veins. “Thanks,” he whispered.

There was silence for a moment. A car passed this building that felt like summer and candles that looked better on other people than on him. “I was thinking…  cuz I was thinking about what you might be thinking and I thought… do you want to make a pie or something?” Cheryl liked baking. He was happy when she smiled. “Yeah, I do. Do you have apples?”

Following Her Heart. She walked to his apartment, but quickly just had to run.

Climbed the stairs, two at a time, to his floor.

Please be here.

She turned down his hallway.

Please don’t be here, because I’m terrified.

She rapped on his door.

He thinks I’m crazy.

No answer.

She swallowed a large ball of disappointment and embarrassment at the back of her throat.

He’s just a boy.

But somehow, this person was more than that. 

She turned to leave. Why she had thought this was the start and not the end, she had no clue.

But God was telling her, with His golden light shining upon her face, not to give up.

Maybe it was the pain of Eric’s leaving, or the freedom she felt when she was with this boy she barely knew, and not with her clingy crowd that was more interested in partying than living, but she decided not to.

She waited.

Memory. His face was this image of childhood and sidewalks with chalk that didn’t turn out as artistically as the artist may have hoped.
She remembered the slanted walls with glass panels, because she had pulled on her father’s pants and asked, “Dad, why are the windows tipping? What if they fall on top of me?”
Her dad had chuckled. “They’re not going to fall on you, Amy. It’s just the way the place was built.” The tone of his laugh, the condescending look of his wrinkled mouth stuck with her for longer than he could have imagined. She turned back to the windows, watched the watery morning sunlight slip through, sweet as sugar and as priceless as love, and then watched as people clattered by without even glancing in the direction of the unforgettable sunrise that blinded her eyes
His eyes.
Police Station. The sight of his sister, sharing breakfast with him in his new home and sporting a rather undeniable bedhead, somehow lessened the painful thoughts of the day’s events.

They both gobbled two pieces of pie and left most of the oatmeal untouched, but were friendly to the addition of whipped cream. They were quickly, and quite silently, off, back to Camrose. Cheryl called Detective Richard’s cell phone, which he had provided, and notified him that they were on their way.

Upon arrival at the station, brother and sister were whisked into the detective’s office at the back of the building.

“It’s good to meet the two of you,” Detective Richard gaffed, “and sorry for the circumstance. I’d just like to take some notes before we continue, okay?

“Mr. Sullert is your stepfather?”

“Yes,” Cheryl responded.

“Married to your mother?”

“Formerly.”

“So… he’s no longer your stepfather?”

“No, he is. Our mother passed.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Thank-you.” Cheryl was doing all the talking.

“How long ago did your mother pass?”

“Less than a year and a half ago,” Cheryl said quietly, “She and Jared were living at the opposite end of Camrose… supposedly. Our mother wasn’t exactly… er, the type to ‘stay in’. Neither was Jared. They’d be out all the time, and Mom barely ever remembered when we’d be coming to visit. We lived with our dad, you see, but she’d call a few days in advance when she wanted to see us. Dad would usually drive us to an empty house. Jared turned her into this unstoppable party girl– at least, that was our assumption. She usually alluded to parties in her apologies to Jeremy and me.”

Detective Richard nodded his sympathy. “What did Jared do when your mother passed?”

“He stayed in that house. He still lives there. We didn’t see him, though.”

Detective Richard took a moment to record something in a small notepad.

“How many times has Mr. Sullert intruded upon your home?”

 

“You are never to tell anyone or you will regret it. You will regret it because I will do whatever it takes to you. I will not fail to do whatever it takes to you and Cheryl, you unworthy, heartless…”

“Well…”

“I never liked you kids.”

“Your mother would hate to see what you’ve become.”

“Why can’t you be more the way your mother was?”

“I’ll hurt you like I hurt your mother.”

“They were more than intrusions,” Jeremy blurted, surprising all three of them by talking for the first time since they’d entered the room, “they have taken over my life thus far.”

Detective Richard asked him to elaborate.

And elaborate he did.

Good-Bye to Big Brother and Best Friend. Amy approached her big brother, and hugged him, long and tight and tearful. As they parted, coming into a slightly awkward handshake brought about by Eric, Eric scrunched something into Amy’s palm. Her confused eyes didn’t leave his mysterious ones as he waved all the way down the driveway, promising he’d call as soon as he arrived. One moment he was there. His whole life, he was there.

It was funny, how quickly he just wasn’t.

First Kiss Outta Nowhere. Amy smiled to herself. “That’s good, I guess. Because I really like talking to you. It feels so natural.”

“Yeah. I feel that way with you, too.”

“Oh, good. I don’t know what it is, really, Jeremy, but…”

She couldn’t talk anymore, because he was kissing her, so fast and before she could say anything else. He was kissing her, and he smelled like faded cologne and tasted like night– fresh, but with a stale undertone. He breathed hard at a break point, nervous. “I’m… sorry.” He stammered.

But she wasn’t. She smiled lightly, struck with the idea of what could come next and the events themselves of the day. Somehow, that was all a bit stressful, too, so she greedily reached for his face again, kissed his lips and cupped his face tightly. Maybe because the mysterious boy in the old apartment who ate potatoes didn’t prove himself to be a very permanent person. His hands reached for her waist, which he touched gently, but with longing. Holding her, tasting her, even being with her, she knew, was against something inside of Jeremy, but her head told her that this broken boy could be fixed, and her heart was beginning to believe so, too.

It was like receiving a gift she never would have chosen for herself. Just like when Eric had given her a bulletin board for her bedroom. It had seemed random, but he showed her how to craft with it, and it became a real hobby.

Somehow, she hadn’t realized that she’d had an attraction to Jeremy– if she had– or at least fully come to terms with it. It felt strange and exciting and sort of fun. After all, it was only her second kiss.

Well, sort of first.

The “first” one had been in second grade gym class. They were playing Capture the Flag, which Amy hated, but her competitive personality mandated her need to try. Davey Opentine ran from his team’s quarter to hers, and “accidentally smacked his lips to hers due to the intense speed at which he was running.” Of course, his explanation was less wordy. Amy countered that she didn’t know an accidental kiss could last so long, or be so squirmy, but Davey was adamant.

No, she thought now, That definitely didn’t count.

Kissing Jeremy was racy and compelling. When they broke apart, he touched her nose, lightly. “I’ve always liked your freckles,” he murmured. She couldn’t quite hold onto the feeling, the idea of it all. “Thanks,” she whispered, which was a horrible reply.

She was in a place too far away to say anything smart.

After that, Jeremy started talking about his sister. Nothing changed in his demeanor or his eyes, and Amy wondered whether that kiss had meant anything to him. Now, talking seemed slow and soupy.

Letter from A Little Sister. Remember going in that air balloon for that radio station, and playing its music? We played all the cool music. That is one of my favourite memories of you. It was the first time you ever let me come along. And I miss them, your friends. There were only one or two, but they made me feel like I belonged. I thought about going to ask them to play one day, but I realized that it wouldn’t be the same without you. It was all you. You put everything together. If you’re there, tell me, because I want to tell you I’m sorry. I know it’s my fault. I’m sorry.

Love Bella

Still Still Still. Her feet had taken her to that tree, that favourite tree, after dinner that night. Watery snowflakes fell in small segments, the November night sky crisp and royal blue. Amy’s breath was whispery, visible puffs as she watched the stars, washed up in a pang of guilt. It had been weeks since she’d last said a prayer about Sky. Oh, she’d prayed extensively about many other things, but not Sky. She supposed that was because she had been neglectful of the Lord, wrapped up in the world the past few days… oh, but doesn’t the world clutch us all, she thought. God was patient with her, and so her loved ones should be. Still Selfish, a begrudging little voice in the chambers of her mind still whispered.

She clasped her hands together. Precious Lord, forgive me, for I have sinned. She silently spewed a pile of the week’s sins, knowing that a literal million had been unnoted. Then, taking a peek around the white field, somehow embarrassed (yet another sin she noted), Amy began to speak aloud. “I’m sorry I haven’t talked about Sky lately. Does she understand, Lord?” Her voice sounded shaky, an outcast in this peaceful little haven. Sinful, she thought, the last person my voice should be shaky with is Jesus. “Wherever she is, can she hear me? Should I be angry with her? I know I shouldn’t, but I am. Does she not realize what we’ve been doing? Reiley hasn’t been able to work, you know, and we’ve been helping ‘em out, Bella and her. Reiley blames herself. You know, she used to dress so nicely. She can barely get out of bed anymore, but I did see her at the store once, and she was wearing sweat pants. And she’s lost at least ten pounds. I can’t help but think Sky’s so, so selfish, but… then I start to miss her.” She paused, feeling the tears threaten. Silence sounded—tasted– strange, now. “It’s so crazy how much I can hear her voice, like school is tainted with it. You know, the syrupy sort of sound, really pretty, not ditzy. I did this thing, where I’d tell myself that, for as long as I continued to smell the remains of that long-lasting perfume she always wore by her locker, she’d be safe. And I can’t smell it anymore, not for real. I think I kid myself into it sometimes. You know how I never saw the resemblance between her and Bella? Well, I don’t know, but I do now. It’s like she’s a little piece of her that I have left.

“Anyway. Tell her that I love her, I love her so much, and that I’m sorry.” Hush. Staccato crickets. The murmuring river. Amy’s fingers, drumming miscellaneously against the bark. Living and dying, time, rush and hubbub, the scary place we call home, now silent, unmoving, and unchanging, for a fracture of a moment. Come with me, the earth and dirt and grass threaten, tinted with lace and serendipity, saccharine and forlorn, to the world that I cannot leave.

The unmistakable crunch of boots on snow drew nearer, more threatening– or, perhaps, promising– by each moment. Amy held her breath until the easy-to-identify mussed hair and brood features came into sight, just as Amy found herself drawing a finger through the stick-girl. His expression encompassed all things smiley– it was all there, each muscle close, but not quite giving in.

They stood in silence for a moment, Jeremy’s arm taut against the tree and Amy’s dangling feet inches above. Snowflakes wet their hair like freefalling hairspray. She remembered the heat of their bodies, the closeness, and wanted longingly for him to voice his thoughts.

Without a word, then, Jeremy hooked himself onto the tree, sat beside her, as if he had done this many times before.

Quiet seemed so right, so true after a fair five minutes, and Amy began to realize that she really could read his thoughts. They were in sync, really. They both thought of each other, of the field in front of them, of life and promises, of change, of the known and the unknown. Jeremy was teaching her his way and perception without uttering a single word, and it was in those fractured moments that Amy came to believe that this boy was nothing short of a genius, a master. She found her brain whirring with stress and worries and regrets at first, but eventually settled into a calamity that can only be described as her first real taste of what it is to simply live. After, oh, forty-five minutes, Amy really couldn’t help but be pleased with herself. The whole experience was overwhelming and difficult to process. Another fifteen minutes gave her back the peace, and she no longer wondered whether she should say something, whether anyone would ever say something. Another fifteen, and Jeremy flashed her the most widespread, content and pure smile she felt she’d ever seen on any creature, slowly slid down the tree, and puttered away inside a bubble that Amy now knew could never, ever pop. 

Waking Up. “Look… okay, you know that trip we took when we were little kids? With Mom and Jared?”

Cheryl nodded.

“Ever since then… I’ve wanted to get away so badly. I feel like… you know, it’s impossible to understand the world if I can’t see it. So, I just feel like… like, maybe if I search myself, I’ll be able to find something worth having, something that God wants me to have.”

“God?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Cheryl made a face. “I didn’t even know you believed in God.”

“You know, Dad used to go to church all the time, when he was little. Mom didn’t.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Amy does, too. Her faith is everything to her, she says it’s all there is. Maybe that’s why I like her so much.”

“What’s up with you?” The quiet that followed was poignant, sad. 

Mornin, Sunshine. He linked his hand with hers and whispered, “I want to show you something.”

He led her out into the hall, and she followed him up three flights of stairs. They stopped at a door that led to a narrower, shorter staircase, at the top of which was another door. The way was lit only by a tinged yellow glow from a single bulb at the top of the stairs. Jeremy wrenched that door open with a squeak, and they were engulfed in night air that whooped without sound.

“I know it’s not very high,” Jeremy said, “But, I bet you’ve never seen the city from this side.” He pointed to his left. He was right. From that section of the roof, she could see a lake in the distance—Cambert Lake—which shimmered under a sliver of silver moon, quaking like velvet. Forest surrounded the water, dark and full and earthy. It was the only area in sight that was scattered with cottages and petite houses rather than suburban city buildings. The only sounds were of smooth and sliced passing cars, the slow and shivering movement of silent people. Amy closed her eyes and tasted air rich with coolness and vibrancy. Jeremy stepped forward and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and she felt warmer instantly. “It’s so beautiful,” She exhaled, and she didn’t even worry about her cheeks that were too red, or her freckles that were always more noticeable in the dark, or her hair that could never look as kept as any of her friends’. She just was.

She turned toward his lips and touched them greedily to her own, resting her neck in that groove on his collarbone that appeared to have been made for her. Jeremy gestured to the ground and they sat.

And Jeremy started talking about something silly, and Amy fascinated herself by watching him, watching the way his words worked and formed, and slipped much more easily than she’d ever heard them come from him. She rested her cheek on his shoulder and talked, too. She talked about Eric, and her friends, and God, and stresses, and she cried and laughed and inhaled too sharply, but she knew that he didn’t care.

She didn’t know when, but at some point, she must have fallen asleep, and he, too, because she woke up in watery, morning sunlight lying on her back, with her head on his chest. She watched his breaths for a moment, the peaceful way that his chest rose and fell, and then forced herself to stand, move over to the edge of the roof. A pale yellow sun looked upon a pastel sweet morning, full of promise and romance. Everything looked brighter, felt better. After quite some time, Amy turned and ran down the stairs, thoughts of sugar and clouds and magic swirling in her head. She left the apartment through a back entrance and jogged to the Teaopia down the road, greeting each peculiar and clambering person she passed.

The teashop was bright and warm, and the smells were so special and poignant, and she inhaled so sharply that the happiness stung her nose and then eyes and tears pricked their corners. Amy shuffled around, helping herself to samples, trying to decide which tea she and Jeremy would like most. When she settled on two giant cups of orange spice with two sugars, and brought them to the front counter, the bright, pudgy lady running the cashier asked, “What’s happened to you?” with a knowing expression.
”What do you mean?” Amy asked.

The woman accepted Amy’s cash and grinned. “Honey, when you’ve worked at a place like this as long as I have, you see a lot of different faces. You—“ she shook her head, smiling—“you’ve got the face and demeanor of a bird at the end of a rainy day. Hon, whatever’s making you so happy… don’t let go of it.”

Amy accepted the cups of tea with her gloved hand and smiled wider. She backed up and headed back to the apartment, her mouth so split, her cheeks swelled. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MOTIVATION MONDAY: Abundance

Hi Friends!

There are a lot of random topics I want to cover in this one post and I don’t know if I can do so succinctly but that is the plan. And Jesus as my witness, I want to testify to a lot of what I’ve learned about recovering from anorexia so that this blog may become about other things more to His glory. 

left hungryhaley in there because she deserves a shout… check out her Instagram. She’s phenomenal.

Also I encourage you to take a read of this blog by Julia Grigorian, whom I’m sure you all know and love.

Two things still plague me in regard to my eating disorder on a daily basis, and this is just mere honesty: counting/measuring/calculating what I eat, and eating only a select few foods.

I had a solid year of recovery in which I was branching out and eating lots of different things. But this past maybe 12 months, I haven’t branched far beyond very lean meats, oats, carrots/cucumber/greens/potatoes, beans, nuts, fruit. This sounds like a healthy diet, but is it healthy to cycle between just these foods? Mentally or physically? No. In fact, I know that this has a negative effect on my body and mind. So why do I continue to succumb? 

When I first heard about recovery, I heard that people were made to eat 2500 calories a day and this terrified the life out of me. I wanted to die. I had many days and many nights with no receptivity to the Lord where I just sat and thought, I want to die.

Slowly, with months and months of meals that took me three hours and fights with my parents and trips to the clinic, I learned that 2500 calories is about what all my friends/normal people who don’t even know what the heck a calorie is, eat every day. Often more. And when I opened my heart to Jesus again, I learned that we weren’t meant to know what these units of energy meant, or to fixate on it. God didn’t intend for us to eat the exact same amount of food each day. There is a certain amount that will fuel us for the day’s work and that’s that. My body will sort out the rest. 

Sometimes I still really struggle with knowing what my body even looks like. I have moments where I want to rip it to shreds. But mostly by the grace of God I feel I have been able to see that my body needs to be strong and fit for Him, and Im passionate about taking care of it– but aesthetics come WITH that, not BEFORE it
Lately I feel I have found my passion for micronutrients and their beauty again. And in prayer I think this is where the Lord is calling me with all this “good stuff;” His intricate and impossibly complex yet so connected and concrete way of feeding us… of filling different fruits and vegetables and grains and legumes with all sorts of different vitamins and minerals that do all sorts of different good in our bodies and it seems so wasteful of the glory that was meant for us to consume merely a small few of the nutrients and macros that the Lord gave us. He could have done whatever He wanted to fuel us, but He gave us taste buds and variety. Not to be abused or dwelled upon but used for His glory.

Tonight, Johnny bbqed chicken breast, which is “safe” for me and isn’t too scary. He didn’t have much left in this house for sides though and wanted to make wraps, which he knows isn’t something I would usually eat. I could have feared the bread that won’t harm my body, or I could’ve praised the Lord for the gift of food in the first place and thanked Him for the blessing of it.

By His grace, through my fear, I opted for the second choice. And with Johnny by my side, and His Spirit in me, I was at peace eating. 

No, processed flour and oil with additives isn’t something I’d regularly eat. But knowing that I CAN without fear, can enjoy food that my boyfriend makes casually and know that it’s not about the food but about spending time together, that is what I care about.

As I’m away from him now, I feel the anxiety welling in me. My brain makes the weight of a single tortilla feel like it is growing inside of me, clinging to my skin and making me “big.” But I know this isn’t true. Because while I’m away from Johnny, who helps me so much with food thoughts, just his presence, I know that I am still just as near Him. And He has shown me this “getting big” business isn’t true.

I learned this the very first time I ate again after months of starvation. I will never forget that meal. Four chicken strips, a potato, and broccoli sat on my plate when for the past few months it had been a few bites of chicken breast and a couple pieces of spinach. 

That night I are two chicken strips and half the potato and all the broccoli and my stomach felt like it was going to explode in pain. I cried and cried, of the mental and physical pain. And the next morning… my body was exactly the same.


I mean, that’s obvious to me now. That was still too small of a dinner. But the lesson is, nothing my eating disorder, derived from the devil, tells me is true or necessary or going to take me anywhere. I desire Christ’s Kingdom and there is no place for an active eating disorder in it. 

In the middle of dinner tonight with the man I love, one of Johnny’s tortillas ripped and there was a hole in it. His solution was to grab another tortilla and wrap that around the one with the hole. He had I think four or five of them and I had one, scary tortilla. Except, oh yeah, tortillas aren’t scary. 

He didn’t know it, but the simple act of him so nonchalantly eating another 180 calories without thought reminded me of how the non-eating-disordered brain works in regard to food. 

I don’t think Johnny fully knows it, but he’s been a gift from God in regard to my eating disorder. Eating around him, I don’t have the plagues. I don’t feel finicky. I feel home. I believe with all of me that God has given us each other as helpers, to fill different gaps through His Spirit and to continually lay down His Truth. And that Truth is– with or without Johnny present, my Lord is present, and for Him/through Him, I can properly feed myself. Hopefully lots of new and different and healthy foods. By the means of glorifying Him according to His will for me in regard to this passion that certainly serves His Kingdom but not with the disorder in the way.

I also am feeling rekindled by my passio for fitness. I have always been an active girl, but used to love working out before it became a demon. In recovery I wasn’t allowed to work out, and since then it’s still been sort of taboo in my house and my daily workouts are done sort of privately. I know that because of my secrecy there’s still disordered motivation behind the workouts and I want that gone. I want to head out for 10k runs just because I love my body and I want to keep it healthy. Not because I’m hating on my body and wanting to shrink it to nothing. 


I have new and wonderful plans for cassiescookery that I hope you’re all excited about. I am grateful for this space and continually lift every aspect of it to Christ and He has been, oh man, so gracious in providing light and the words that He needs said. 

“do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit for this is not fruitful but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus… who emptied himself taking the form of a slave and became obedient to the point of death.” PHILIPPIANS 3:12

MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY: I Thought of Calories, and Jesus Thought of Me

There is so much happening in my mind today.


Do you know those days at work? When you can’t concentrate and the millions of things in your mind cloud your conversations and outer perception? That has been me at work the past few days. I’ve been working 50 hour weeks and was confident it wouldn’t take its toll on me but it certainly has. 

This morning I studied and prayed on John 17. This entire chapter moved me to tears and joy and overwhelming awe as I read my Saviour’s prayer before His crucifixion– for me. Before His death, Jesus prayed for you and I, that we might know Him and His love and be more like Him. 

“Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world. O righteous Father! The world has not known You, but I have known You; and these have known that You sent Me. And I have declared to them Your name, and will declare it, that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them.

The Lord Almighty thought only of others as He prayed to the Saviour– that OTHERS may come to know and spend all their hours praising and glorifying God. If His Spirit abides in me, I will love all others as myself. 

I thought of Jesus praying this prayer, long before my human self existed and how His Spirit has filled and surrounded all since this prayer and forevermore… And as I prayed about countless things I teemed with anger when I recognized myself counting calories and thinking about how little I should eat for breakfast. I prayed then for focus and deliberation and to be granted the Spirit’s ability to perceive and love and be of right mind, to LITERALLY focus on nothing but God. And all I could think instantly was, I thought of calories as I prayed to my Lord. And Jesus… He thought of ME. 

God truly shook me today. And shifted my focus. Onto people at work. Present mind in my time with Daniella– one of His most beautiful created humans in my totally unbiased opinion. Onto His Son, and may He be AAALLL. I prayed all throughout the day, His day, good and always good. 

I also had a really, really awful stomach at work today. It was difficult to work through and I knew it was something not digesting. I checked the stevia is bought, because it was cheap, and realized– the first ingredient was corn malodextrin. I’d already had about 10 packets of the sweetener in the past few days.

Stevia in its natural form is extremely healthy, but corn malodextrin is a thickener that is thoroughly processed and genetically engineered– basically man-made. Literally and metaphorically distruction to the temples the Lord gave us. And I ain’t about that at all. I pray only His light is shone in my eating beliefs and habits and passion, and that I am able to eat the way Hr has shown me is good and to His glory, and not my eating disorder’s way. 

WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: Honesty– For Someone Out There?

Hi All!

For I know the plans that I have for you, says the LORD.

Sometimes, all the time, we just need JESUS. 

Totally scratch that “sometimes.” Jesus is never a “sometimes.” 

I realized today that in composing hundreds of blog posts over the past year I haven’t always been as transparent and authentic as perhaps I should. Often the dark parts are the most relatable and therefore the most curable, for the Lord knows all– even these dark parts from which He daily redeems us.

For the past few years, my mind has cycled through the same thing: eating approx. 2000 calories and feeling bloated, “disgusting,” and pained, back to eating 10-1400, still feeling full but yet with a hint of the numbness certain parts of me “crave.” The fact that I have any sort of bloating/fullness on 2000 cals shows how out of whack my metabolism is. The fact that such a restrictive amount of calories doesn’t leave me ravenous proves this further. I know I need to learn to just eat, but it can be so difficult when I feel these packages of voices coming down.

Anyway, for the past little bit I have been eating 2000 calories, still less than I should be but much better, and have gained a pound in about a month. Just one pound– of muscle, not fat. I look in the mirror, I walk around, and just feel chunks of fat hanging off me. Eating every day does this– no, the devil does this. He knows he can easily snatch me from my focus on racing to know Jesus, and so he continues to win me over. Knowing this and looking at it this way– I’m angrier than ever and know the Lord won’t let it happen. 

And today, I ate well.

For breakfast I had my typical: a big bowl of oats with blueberries, banana, and cacao peanut butter. 

For a snack before work, I had carrorts with a bit more peanut butter. 


Work was exhausting. I haven’t had a day off in two weeks and it’s really starting to hit me! The shift was fine nonetheless and I had a goat cheese mushroom egg white omelette for lunch after it.

After the shift, Cassia and I hung out in Uptown Waterloo, purusing cute coffee and clothes shops. I got a soy unsweetened iced coffee. For dinner, we went to the Works, where I had a chicken breast topped with bacon (!!!!!), goat cheese, and lettuce, and a house salad which I topped with a bit balsamic. Cassia is such a gift in my life and is so funny and has a heart for everyone. SO positive to be around! 

After dinner, Johnny and I hung out together for a few hours. I could do nothing with him and it would be great, ya know?? We went and I played goalie while Johnny practiced some shots and he is incredible, passionate, and Jesus loving and I love him more each day. When I got home, I ate a quest protein bar and banana for a snack. It hit the spot and I didn’t want it– voices told me not eat it, but I’m pretty good at ignoring them– that is, The Lord is quite perfect at it.

TOP TEN TUESDAY: Currently…

Music. My boyfriend played an Ellie Goulding song called Tesselate in the background of us watching YouTube the other day and I didn’t mention how much I loved it but it’s rubbed off and I have that album on repeat. I also looove Chris Lane right now as far as country goes.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Sf6Ivae_88s

Budgeting. I’m saving more money than ever before, and it feels fantastic. At this rate, I will have a car within the next 12 months and be well on my way to more money saved.

Frustration. I’m working so much and prioritizing Bible Study and relationship with the Lord by His grace, and seeing people. I have a lot going on every day which I love. But the one thing I haven’t seemed to find time for, where summer is usually when I read like a million books, is READING! I am craving a Chapters visit, stocking up on random books and then heading to the cottage, not looking back, and tearing through the pages. 

My Novel. It’s coming along… Still… I keep asking myself, “Do I not feel called to write this story anymore, or am I just being too perfectionistic?” I’m praying about it a lot, actually. I don’t want to feel any sort of pressure to continue editing but I also don’t want to just push it aside. May the Lord’s will be my way.

Texting Game. Update– I haven’t improved. I am so often reminded that I need to text someone back or make plans or what have you. One major thing is that I hate having conversations over text because I just believe that anything worth talking about deserves in person attention. Text is for making plans in my eyes… But I need to recognize that that’s not how everyone sees it merely sometimes in the name of being courteous. 

Excitement. I potentially possibly get to bring Johnny to the cottage for our last weekend together before he leaves for what the Lord has for him at his new school. I can’t describe how excited this makes me!

Moving Out. Moving into my new place with girlfriends also is quickly approaching. I pray that our household would be to the Lord’s glory and satisfaction and that we will all have fun and lift each other’s eyes and hearts to Jesus.

First Semester. Here is what my classes look like for first semester: 

  • The Beatitudes
  • Christian Social Ethics
  • Mystery Writing
  • Writing Fairy Tales
  • Faith and Film

I hope some or all of these courses contain content that is as fantastic as it sounds. 

Starbucks. I work with some incredible human beings here. One after the other I am barista-ing alongside many devoted Christians, hilarious people, and also just friendly and truly empathetic hearts.


Bible Study. I am embarking upon Hosea and stuck on this verse:

For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.