WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: A Day of Struggles Handed to Christ
Today was a beautiful day. And it had me thinking and praying lots on Luke 6:42:
How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Ultimately, therefore, judging others for sinning differently than ourselves is a sin in itself.
Alive in Christ, I am alive in Christ! But I have sinned in my past. And I have sinned today in succumbing to my eating disorder. I WONT dwell on these but only praise the Lord for leading me through and using them for His glory but it reminds me of the unprecedented importance of never judging others, never thinking we are better than others; only Christ is better, our human selves are not.
Breakfast this morning before work was a small bowl of oatmeal with peanut butter, berries, and half a banana during some time in the Word.
My stomach was still growling afterward and I managed some carrots with peanut butter before heading to Cora’s. Today was a great shift, just 4 hours– I wish more but it was fine– and I was starving after! I thought for so long about what I should eat before finally saying to Jeremy, my fav kitchen guy, “I’m gonna try something new today.” And he was like “wooooah Cassie’s not eating oatmeal” type reaction. I had struggled all morning with food thoughts that I am in prayer about and asked for a western skillet with no cheese and no egg. Jeremy kindly made it and gave it to me, and I brought it to the back room. And my stomach tensed up and my face felt hot and I sat alone while thoughts swirled all around my head.
“There’s too much oil.”
“Probably about 1000 calories.”
“You’re really gonna eat ham?”
“You think you deserve potatoes?”
“How could you eat this?”
My stomach growled and I felt lightheaded and something deep down in me wanted the food. But the eating disorder overpowered and without a single bite, I actually dumped the meal in the garbage. The food that is a blessing, a blessing that many people don’t have.
My contact appointment was just down the street, so I proceeded to walk there without eating. I was half an hour early so I sat and drank a carbonated water and ate a Quest bar.
The contact appointment was incredible! I freaked out to the lady who facilitated my appointment the second my contacts were in like OH MY GOSH I CAN SEE! It was and still is phenomenal… I feel so blessed by them and sight is truly a miraculous gift.
When I got home finally, I knew I needed to make up for the lunch failure. I ate a soya yogurt, and a little later snacked on a few “veggie straws” and both of these definitely served as my challenge for the day. The veggie straws are made from dehydrated vegetables and oil, and have much more fat than Ed is comfortable with even though they are “diet chips.” And the soy yogurt is sweetened– I asked my mom for the unsweetened kind but she forgot this time and Ed had made a comment that I “wasn’t allowed to eat them” but I did. These thoughts need to go and I am at this new point that the Lord has brought me to in genuine FRUSTRATION AND ANGER at the thoughts and behaviours. I want to eat and exercise in a way that doesn’t make me sit in front of a meal staring at it feeling completely afraid. Humans not only all eat food, we all NEED food. Agh.
After catching up on course work, cleaning my room, and freaking out to more people about my contacts, I spent a long while in prayer and just time with the Lord. He brought so much clarity to my soul and reminded me of my forever place in His arms. For dinner, I sat down with my family and had a chicken breast with celery and carrots.
Im heading off now for a girls night with some of the greatest girls in my life, and I’m excited about that. I wanted to make today more of a challenge but in my prayer remembered that what I am planning on my OWN is never going to work. And I hadn’t done any of that thought process in prayer or through the Spirit and so my day was rough, but the Lord has already used it for His glory and to teach me and has lead me to Him ALL. DAY. He is good and always always always worthy of praise!
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD. I shall not want//Psalm 23.