“I Beat Anorexia.” Today on the bus, I sat near this overweight man who was talking quite obnoxiously and loudly about thin people and putting them in a box. A girl near him very politely started talking about something on his shirt, saying that it was offensive and educating him on eating disorders. It was only when I got off at my stop that I saw his shirt, a logo that bothers me so much: “I beat anorexia.” These are “joke” shirts designed for “fat” people– I didn’t think anyone actually wore them. When I first made my cassiescookery Instagram account and blog, they were centred completely around my recovery from anorexia. I posted 5+ times a day (all my meals and snacks) and recapped vividly how the meal went/what I struggled with + tried to be positive and motivational for others recovering. I had over 1k followers and felt like I was helping at least a few people.
I probably wasn’t.
Documenting my food intake and the way the meal went was not helpful for me at that time at all, because my brain was still mostly eating disorder. At first, I would be embarrassed to share that I was able to finish a meal without anxiety– my head didn’t like that. It was only ok with me sharing “this was horrible and I hate food and I’m never eating again.”
Now, that feels like a million years ago. I know that I need to eat but my primary focus now and forever is allowing God to fill me up so that His will is all I desire– and He might be needing me to completely discard my food PASSION to fully recover from the disordered OBSESSION so that I can properly do that. I’m praying about it a lot.
Lunch with Anne. The community pastor at the seminary is an incredible woman. She is open, relatable, and has such a vibrant heart that so reflects the Lord. I was blessed that she asked me to lunch today and talked with me about what’s been on my heart, and I was able to be so open. She told me that the seminary’s really been taking in what my fellow students and I have been saying, and also gave me some beautiful insights on education as cataylism. It was such a blessing!
Children and Dance. My dance classes went so well today! My jazz class’s choreography looks so great, and ballet does too. I also finally remembered to bring my kids stickers, as they love them and hate when I forget. I feel that is a major reflection of how full and vibrant Christ has been in me lately– He’s provided. And shown me that sometimes He gives one of us a certain provision to bring peace to another that is struggling and vice versa, a beautiful reflection of His grace. Also, my ballet kids ran up to me and all group hugged me the second they saw me and it burned my sunburn more than I can even explain. I also had no choice but to have a cold shower today✌️.
Corssing the Street Man. I was near my uni today crossing the street, and on quite a few occasions have been crossing around the same time as a man who has some sort of disability and always freaks out like a little kid about crossing the street, shouting for strangers’ help. I’ve always seen so much beauty in those who regard strangers, and love when these opportunities arise. I always found that “crossing the street man” makes my day. Today he took things a little far and was a bit innappropriate, but a couple of guys helped me out and I ended up having good conversations all around.
Starbucks Interview. I finally got a call from a Starbucks today about an interview and am so excited! I feel so called to a position like this and am praying about it and how God wants to use me, that His will might be my way.
Messaging Sara. Sara is all the way in Hreece with her grandmother, and it is INCREDIBLE to hear how God is working in here. Here’s one of the beautiful things she messaged me today:
Chloe. Chloe came over tonight and we literally spent hours just laughing together. Frigg I love this lady. She also put aloe Vera all over my sun burn for me. If that’s not true friendship I don’t know what is.
Calling Johnny. No matter what is going on with him/me, just the sound of his voice is so comforting and always makes me want to just be with him. Despite him having his own crap today, he listened wonderfully to all mine, and the more I love Jesus the more He’s bringing me to a place of unconditional loving, lack of judgement, and just being a support, and I’m blessed to know the same from my fav man.
Time in the Word. Today I read most of the book of Ezra and left with a lot of questions and needing a lot of prayer time. The Word is the greatest place to be.