Today’s post is angry, but also incredibly revealing.
I was going to skip My Thoughts post this week because I’ve just been so busy, but I needed to take the time to sit and write this out. Without writing, my thoughts get jumbled, but once I put pen to paper (or finger to key) I’m so much more able to verbalize.
COLOSSIANS 6:24 “I am now rejoicing in my sufferings for your sake… I became a servant in your name.”
This weekend, I reflected on just how much joy the enemy removed from my life since the day he took me with my eating disorder.
In many ways, there is no point on reflecting on this because I am new in Christ. But for the sake of prayer– “Lord, if it is your will, guide me back to this form of joy in my life”– it is good, and because it was in prayer that He brought these to my attention.
Here are some things I lost:
- Cooking. I used to study culinary skills all the time. I used to be quite good, too, naturally. I used to know techniques and recipes by heart and whip up meals and desserts at the drop of the hat. When my brain was clouded, I had no energy or interest in the skill or joy of cooking, but was simply obsessed with the calories. I lost all that ability.
- Reading. When I was sick. I couldn’t focus for more than a few minutes at a time, on anything. I stopped reading and throughout my recovery did not pick it back up. I still struggle to retain and absorb information, where I used to be known for my ability to do so.
- Eating. It has been a destructive area of my life for years. Never joyful, always painful. It should be simple, light, and just a nourishment.
- Dance. When I was underweight, I was told I couldn’t dance for the year. I lost so much flexibility and skill, as I never picked up classes afterward again.
- Strength. Ana told me she would make me stronger, but I have only grown weaker. Yes, I needed to lose weight, but not in the way that I did, because with it I lost physical and mental strength because it was in the form of the enemy.
- Writing. There was a time that I was committed to and LOVED writing a chapter of my book per week. I still struggle to zone in on editing and precision now.
- Friends. For a long time– and sometimes still– Ed told me I couldn’t go out to social events because someone might offer me food or drinks. I have mostly overcome this, through Christ alone, as with all of the above. Let’s see how they change when HE is the orchestrator.
COOKING: I love cooking and learning culinary skills and all about WHOLE HEALTHY foods, and I know in all my prayers God gave me this passion for His purposes and glorification of His good nature.
READING: I used to learn so much from the Spirit in reading anything and find so much joy in fictional characters and of course non-fictional facts. He can make me new again.
EATING: I know that I need food. I know that I don’t need to think about it and that God will simply provide. Not too much or too little, for true submission to and focus on the person of Christ leaves little to no room for detailed thought about the earthly consumption of food.
DANCE: By God’s grace I am blessed to be employed as a dance teacher now. This motivates me to build up my flexibility again and I am already rediscovering this incredible passion of mine.
STRENGTH: I know that with the only life-giving focus on Christ, mental and physical strength will come from His Spirit and will alone. Not for my personal gain but for His Kingdom, and I can be expectant and not worried about His plans to root in me.
WRITING: I am so happy and proud of my novel and have become attached to its characters, and know that with continued focus on Christ He will bring or remove my focus on/from this novel in the way He sees fit.
FRIENDS: I am blessed beyond words by the incredible group of friends that surround me, and not a one has abandoned me in my dark days. Demonstrating Christ’s Love and not judging my lack of self and the years I struggled, the years I was not receptive to Him. The sort of love they showed me is the sort of love I hope to show everyone, and may that resemble Christ more each day.