Those of you who have been recovering from anorexia for some time– do you remember the first time you felt ACTUAL hunger? Like, physical stomach growling?
When I was sick, there was none of that. I ate a bite of spinach and was full for the day. Yet I was fainting, losing all my hair, my skin sagged… but I couldn’t eat.
My physical hunger cues have been up and down in the years– THREE YEARS since diagnosed with bulimia, wow– since, but today I had genuine hunger cues, which is always something to get excited about.
Breakfast. I woke up this morning, studied 1 Timothy for at least an hour, cleaned my room, and then headed to make some breakfast. I haven’t had nice cream dfro a whole, so I made a bowl with two bananas, blueberries, peanut butter sauce with cacao, and granola. It hit the spot while I caught up on MasterChef Canada.
Lunch. A few hours later, after spending some good time with my little sister, I was feeling pretty hungry again. I ate some carrots with lots of peanut butter, and a big handful of raspberries and blueberries.
Snack. I got all ready for school and bussed to uni, where I studied and caught up with Laura for a little while over Starbucks. I was definitely feelin the lack of caffeine, so I had a venti soy cappuccino.
Dinner. After some much needed time with my boyfriend, I headed back to school for Christian Studies. I had a small bowl of carrot soup but knew that wasn’t sufficient for dinner. I was so intrigued by our class tonight. Allen truly did a Bible study with us, on the Do Not Worry passage from Matthew 6, and it was so in-depth and really wonderful. I truly grew, and I’ve always found that passage extremely prophetic personally with my eating disorder. There is SO much I could write about it; it is impossible to serve two masters, therefore anything in this world is meaningless to us, only Gods Love only God’s Love only God’s Love, what does worry add to our span of life, we are people of little faith when we worry. It was a fantastic lecture. A few times I caught the enemy trying to draw me away in counting calories, but He worked in my prayer and called me to true submission and focus.
After class, Bethany knew I was still hungry, and so was she, so we went to the food court and I got a salad. I didn’t use the dressing and it wasn’t very sufficient, but it was something while I could have very easily ignored my stomach growling, which has been dangerously addictive in the past.
I’m so grateful for my time with Bethany tonight too, as we’ve had AMAZING talks. I love this blessing of a girl.
And so now– what, by worrying, added a single second to my span of life today? Nadda. I had a blessed day, praise the Lord, but worrying– useless. A blockade, in fact, between God and me. The enemy saying, “God doesn’t have a handle on this, these are valid,” when God says, “worldly things don’t matter, I alone will take care of you.” Amen.