MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY: Ed’s Wrath

Walk into the coffee shop. Smells– food. Smells good. Remember when you used to JUST EAT? Like, without thinking about what was in the food?

Naw, get that thought out of your head. You were WEAK then.
But what if you weren’t? What if you’re weak now?
Naw, you’re not weak now. You’re in control noSmells good. Remember when you used to JUST EAT? Like, without thinking about what was in the food?
Naw, you’re not weak now. You’re in control now. You lost 70 pounds because of that control.
Yeah, but that could have happened without a disorder.
I’m not a disorder. I’m the only way to make sure your body stays healthy.
Approach the counter with all the food. Examine it. Ask questions. “Do you only have sandwich bread or do you have wraps?”
“Are the pre-made wraps buttered/any oil?”
I surprise myself with the questions. It’s been a little while since I’ve been so anxious.
Why are you getting food? You could easily go without this food. You used to barely eat. What are you doing?
No, I need food. If I don’t eat this food, I won’t have any time to eat until like 5 o clock. Listening to you will get me nowhere.
Order a hummus wrap quickly because I’ll change my mind if I don’t. Thirsty, want coffee, order a small vegan cappuccino too. Cappuccino? That has calories. Could’ve gotten a black coffee.
Yeah, but black coffee tastes like gasoline. I like my coffee with almond milk.
“Cassie, hummus wrap heated up?”
Why would you ask for it heated up? They might have put oil on whatever they use. That lady’s hands could have butter on it.
Take the plate, smile, take the coffee, say thank-you. Ask about the coffee shop. Tell the ladies it’s beautiful, “Id like to own something like this one day.”
Sit down, eye the wrap. She cut it in half.

What if that means there are actually two wraps in one order? That’s like two starch servings. Pick it apart, dissect it, decide that it’s ok, the two halves TOGETHER are one wrap. Check the inside in case they lied about the butter. Examine the hummus. Probably like a 1/2 cup of hummus. Lettuce. Tomatoes. Eat. Chew chew chew. Tastes good. Haven’t had bread in a while. Another bite. Chew chew chew. A sip of coffee.
I wonder how many calories were in just those bites.
STOP.
Woah. Woah. So consumed in Ed’s wrath that I didn’t pray. I didn’t thank my Lord for the blessing of this food, for all the blessings I will never “deserve.”
Pray. Thank Him. Spend time with Him.
Eat. Just eat.
I can just eat.

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