MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY: Plans

One of the biggest things holding me back from full remission a few years ago was my incessant need to plan what I ate.

Even when I began to learn to eat more normal amounts, My eating disorder catered my life around meals, making sure I could eat at home so the food was “safe,” measured out, and paleo. Every time someone made plans with me, I would have to think about when I would eat and make sure I wouldn’t have to eat out anywhere. Slowly, as Grade 11 transitioned to Grade 12, I grew stronger and my recovery more vigilant. Grade 12, looking back, is full of AMAZING memories, almost every night spontaneous and fun, life-changing, spent with good people, unworried about food for the most part, whereas Grade 11 is foggy with nothing concrete in my memory.

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This was a month into my recovery, 10 pounds higher than my low weight. There was a time in which I spent hours taking pictures of my body from different angles. My disorder was so consuming that I weighed myself three to five times daily, took and wrote down measurements three times daily, and “checked the pointiness” of my ribs and hip bones each night. I was so numb and so unknowing of the meaninglessness of my disorder.

And Ed convinced me that such a lifestyle would make me instantly fat, and while I gained a few pounds, it was necessary for my health. Anorexia had caused not only a loss of 75 pounds in mere months, but hair loss, fainting, loss of my period, and loss of my personality. The latter is something I’m still finding again through Christ alone.

At the end of the day, I KNOW and reckon that my trying to plan and configure my day especially based on something as trivial as food is meaningless and absolutely dumb. GOD has a plan which minorly involves taking care of those little needs, but more majorly involves my life of glorifying and honouring Him in all that I do, a vessel through which He works, and this brings joy and Love that are unexplainable. I trust Him and give my disorder to Him each day, that it may be dead and gone.

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WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: The Beauty in OTHERS

Happy Wednesday everyone!

The other day, a friend asked me what it “felt like” to have an eating disorder. For some reason, the fact that she asked that little question stuck with me, big time. She really cared and wanted to empathize.

I said the best way to describe it was that I often FELT like a 600 pound person. I know I’m not 600 pounds, I know I don’t look that way, and I know I’m not defined by my weight. But 600 lbs somehow becomes an emotion.

ive learned that like with so many things, the best thing to do with this emotion is pray. Pray that I recognize its meaningless, doesn’t control me, and is not real. “Do not worry about what you will eat or what you will drink.”

Breakfast. I started the day with my fav: a big bowl of oats with peanut butter, a bit of banana, and blueberries. It was perfect, and I ate it while doing some homework.

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Lunch. Chloe came over in the pouring hail because TODAY IS HAYLES BIRTHDAY! We got ready together and then braved the cold and wet to meet Haylie for birthday lunch at Country Boy, where I ate a veggie stir fry over rice.

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Snack 1. After celebrating the beautiful Haylies birthday, I met Laura like usual at school. I wasn’t hungry but was really tired, so I grabbed a quest bar for some extra energy.

Snack 2. I headed to the seminary where I met with another undergrad in my program to talk about the service we were running. We ran it later together, both preaching separate sermons on Isaiah 55:1-9. My parents and some friends came to worship too which was great. This was the second time I’ve prayed a sermon and went into it very prayerfully. After the service, I still wasn’t hungry, presumably because I had a big breakfast and lunch. But I knew I should eat something, so I grabbed a small soy cappuccino, some carrots, and lots of nuts.

Still tonight I have class and feel really good about my intake and the normalcy of it. I am continually praying for understanding and TRUST in the above verse from Matthew Chapter 6 on Do Not Worry. God provides, and I just need to tap into that.

 

TOP TEN TUESDAY: Coming to Fruition

Happy Tuesday morning!

Often times we can get caught up in the future, or what we think may be coming. What we hope for and what excites us. But how many times have your own plans been thrown off course, changed, and, in the end, for the better? Planning is useless; anticipating a specific future is useless. Giving all that God, truly just allowing His Spirit to work is all that matters.

Nonetheless, there are some things coming up, if by God’s Grace they come to fruition, that I’m really exicited about.

Moving. The house Maddie, Mary and I looked at yesterday was very much what we have been hoping for. This is really exciting, but also a little scary.

Applying at Pure. I have a little passion for cafes and cute restaurants, and there’s a local one called Pure Juice Bar and Kitchen that I’m obsessed with. I’ve been wanting to apply there for so long, and just found out that they’re opening a new location this summer right near my uni!

Summer Trips. If money weren’t a factor, I would be going to Cuba, England, and Disney World this summer as I love talking about such dreams with friends. If only! But maybe one will work out… Either way, there’s always the cottage to look forward to.

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Growing in Christ. I have lost the arrogance that I don’t need God and therefore opened myself to His Word, and all that I lack without Him. I am excited to finish the Bible, KNOW it well, and be brought to understanding it’s Truth by the Spirit.

Less Disordered Eating. So much of my disorder, I think, is rooted in the pain of my 13 year old disorder. The girl who felt like 600 pounds and who didn’t know how to stop eating at night. Now, that girl is gone and it is much harder TO eat. But the more I grow toward my Creator, the more I will just understand food the way food is meant.

Finishing my Book. I have been working on a novel for almost three years now, and recently I’ve been paying close attention to editing and the plot has changed a little bit. I don’t want to be so perfectionistic about it, but I can’t bring myself to send it to publishing just yet.

Teaching Dance. Becoming a dance teacher has come with some incredible opportunities, like a kids’ dance birthday party, and soon a children’sdance workshop  over March Break. I have a huge passion for choreography.

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Falling Further (By God’s Grace). I have fallen completely for the wonderful, funny, smart, gifted godly man in my life, and I am just excited to see what God has in store for us.

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Travelling. I have a renewed want and suppressed fear to travel. I like being at home and in familiar places, but the more I know God the less I fear exploring because I want to see different corners of His Creation.

 

MOTIVATION MONDAY: Slowly Drifting

I remember when I was little, when we went to my cottage, my momma used to take us out in little floaty rafts onto the lake and would talk about how we were drifting over the waves. I always loved that word, drifting, because of it.

Years later, I was maybe eight or nine, and I remember hearing my pastor use the word in a negative context. That the world can cause us to drift from the Lord and His ONLY, FIRST, EVERY place in our lives. That was the first time I realized that “drifting” might be a bad thing. At the time, I was confident in my God. I knew that His love and Grace had nothing to do with me, and I knew all of this through Christ alone. I was His servant and desired only His will for my life. I couldn’t envision myself drifting.

But drift I did, and, I realize, we only drift when something is pulling or pushing us. There is a force. The enemy used various tools to wrap me up and remove me from the joy of my God. I certainly drifted. But now that I have been through that period of drift AWAY, the drift BACK to Christ, HIM being the force, is more in line with the positive drifting over the lake at my cottage; according to His will and Spirit. The un fathomable Truth is that He was with me just as equally throughout my drift “away,–” He never left my side. His waves were still under me. But when He steered me back in alignment with His Love, I recognized that I was not along for the ride, but only and solely a tool for His use, a temple that He might work through. My, our, purpose, and may I delight in it only more.

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It’s a big world; there’s a lot out there beyond the thoughts in my disordered mind.

I loove going for runs, which I think is another way to look at this concept of drifting. When I was younger, I hated running, mostly because I thought I was really bad at it. When I was diagnosed with my eating disorder, I spent so much time running, the entire time weak, faint, and thinking about how many calories I was burning. Now, when I run, I drift. Sometimes it’s simply prayerful; sometimes it’s rejoicing in the blessing of movement of my body. But I find myself more and more just expectant of what God wants to accomplish through all my physical activity, knowing that none of that involves disordered thoughts, and I just pray that it is nothing compulsive or self-fulfilling but rather healthy, fun, and pleasing to He who created me.

I pray that He is the force that causes all of our drifting– therefore there is no self gain, no disordered thoughts– only the Divine.

MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY: Food the Way Food Was Meant

Gooooooood Thursday Morning!

Ive been sort of cranky the past few days, frustrated because for some reason, the hardest love I’m finding to translate is love to my family and at home. God has been doing incredible things in my life in that my relationship with Him is FIRST and growing that way each day, and with that comes with some difficulties that I need to continually lift to Him. This is all my problem, not my family’s, for they are loving and trying their best always.

With that crankiness, I want to just list three things Im thankful to God for in my life.

  1. The sun. It’s streaming through my curtains right now and making me feel alive, and I am grateful God blessed us with this warmth and life necessity.
  2. The Word. The only “words” that will never be wrong, never fail. Sometimes we are not of Spirit when we speak, because we are human, but the Bible is Truth and Life and I am eternally thankful that God graced us with it.
  3. Food. While my eating disorder has used food against me in every way imaginable, I know that I need it to live, and am grateful that my relationship with it is slowly becoming more normal the more my relationship with my Father grows.

On this last note, I really wanted to talk about food the way I know food was intended. So many of us who have experienced eating disorders see food as numbers, percentages, “good/bad,” etc. It is hard to imagine “just eating.”

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God didn’t invite calories. A calorie is a unit of energy. I am always amazed by what scientists “uncover” that is merely a better way of understanding the beauty of the Lord’s Creation. With these “calories” God created, He wanted us to eat plentifully, for NOURISHMENT, without dwelling at all, but merely to satisfy our souls and bodies. He also blessed us with taste buds and variety. He could have given us little pills and that would be it for fuel, but no, food takes time to eat, and in the Bible we learn that we are meant to ENJOY its different tastes.

My passion for healthy food is one I am expectant God can use for His glory and that is not associated with the enemy.

What are you deepest passions on this earth and do they simply stem under your love for Christ and His love for you?

WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: Food for the Soul

Happy Hump Day Peeps!✌️

Today, I was tired. I was lazy in the morning. I didn’t feel like doing much. But I had a great day nonetheless.

I woke up very late this morning and spent some time in the Word, then made some breakfast: a big bowl of oatmeal with banana and peanut butter. I ate it whilst watching my guilty pleasure, Pretty Little Liars, and catching up on emails.

While trying to do some homework afterwards, I snacked on a lemon Luna bar.

In the afternoon, Laura and I ran some errands and then stopped for a late lunch at an adorable downtown Cafe. We both got the vegan waffles and I topped mine with berries and apple slices, accompanied with an almond milk cappuccino.

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I wasn’t feeling much for dinner, and when I got home ended up much later having three entire cucumbers with carrots and a bunch of peanut butter. It was perfect, and great fuel for my tiredness when Chloe and Emma came over, where we just talked and caught up and Dan Ed around and watched Step Up and goofed off. It was great.

Overall a fantastic day for challenging food rules, beating Ed, and “just eating.” Definitely some nasty thoughts, but the more I give those over to the Lord and recognize that they are dead, the less they mean anything at all.

 

TOP TEN TUESDAY: Life and Stuff

What’s up everybodaaay?

Today’s top ten is centered around some cool things that I think are worth checking out.

God’s Not Dead. Cinematically, this film wasn’t fantastic or anything, but it’s story and what the Spirit does in its Truth and through it is great. Definitely a must-see.

Mackenzie on American Idol. This guy NEEDS to win. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SwMnmwRZYsM

Message from Church Last Night. The sermon was rooted in Luke, the beginning of Chapter 7. About how God is equally present and forever moving in our lives no matter where in the world or what moment we’re in.

Toner. Hate when my hair gets brassy, and I’m now using John Friieda brass corrector and its workin woooonders.

Favourite Snack. Cucumbers with peanut butter. I’m obsessed.

Conversation Partner. My beautiful best friend Sara, over at backtobeingsara.wordpress.com,andI are similar in many ways and in what God has been doing in our lives. So cool to share that with a sister in Christ, so blessed.

Kanye West. Johnny has been going nuts about how good his new album is, and man is he ever right. Be sure to check it out.

Concert. We’re going to see Hillsong in April and have our tickets now thanks to Sara, and I feel sp blessed! Their song Oceans is incredible and simply glorifying.

Dance. I growing in my confidence in dance the more I become a trained choreographer for kids and I think there’s so much value in teaching in order to master a skill! Really cool.

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Valentine’s Day. In a relationship or not, Valentine’s Day is just a “why-not” opportunity to emulate Jesus’ love to those He’s blessed you with. Was so blessed by my best V Day ever by my first one with Johnny.❤️

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