MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY: Link Love

I really love this girl’s naturalistic, laid-back, positive vibes. She is a great advocate for healthy food being a passion rather than a consumption.

http://www.lord-still-loves-me.com/

Again, Julia’s blog about refraining from What I Ate Wednesdays is a fantastic one.

http://beautybeyondbones.com/read-this-first/

Read this^first, then read this.

http://www.blackcatpoems.com/m/i_am_a_christian.html.

^A short poem that I return to often.

Guys, have a blessed and FUN and awesome weekend. God Bless and may His will be your way.

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WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: “Less and Less”

Today, I was very inspired by Julia’s post about stopping WIAW. As for me, I think that at the moment my more and more normalized eating is just a showcase of that God is the only form of recovery that can ever be effective in a person, and I am boasting therefore in my weakness and His strength. Something to pray on for sure though, and love witnessing God’s works in Julia.

Breakfast this morning, knowing that I wouldn’t eat for a while later, was big. I made my favourite, and not Ed’s favourite– a cup of oats with lots of banana, peanut butter, and raspberries. I also had another banana on the side. I packed for the day and spent some time in the Word, did a quick workout, and headed off to the bus where I spent most of the ride choreographing for my two classes . I have a 5-6 ballet with three precious girls that have never danced before, and then an 8-12 jazz with eight girls who are all very talented. It’s really awesome to have that mixture!

For a snack after my linguistics presentation, which went really well, I had a banana and an orange while studying and catching up with Laura. We sat in the concourse near some girls who were quite loudly talking about calories, how “bad carbs are,” etc., and I thought about a year ago, how much such words would have affected and triggered me. Today, I prayed for these girls, and while I experienced a bit of anxiety turned to God and found clarity in Him and my ability through Him to focus on Laura.

I met Johnny after his class, and we went to the bookstore to find a better size sweater for his momma. Even a purple Laurier sweater designed for girls looked good on this kid. We bussed home and Johnny suggested grocery shopping and cooking together and I got so excited. Ed had a very brief moment of “you weren’t going to eat dinner tonight, you could easily skip it,” but when I say brief, I mean brief. My position in Christ meant that God kicked that enemy out very fast, and all I could see was what Christ is doing in my amazing boyfriend and I. So we excitedly planned our meal, bought our ingredients, and successfully made brown rice stir fry with chicken, water chestnuts, broccoli, and carrots for dinner, and it was delicious! We made some for us and Johnny’s brother Steve and got to eat all together, and all I could possibly focus on was God’s love and power.

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During our Christian Studies break, I noticed that I was hungry and probably hadn’t eaten quite enough calories for the day, and when Maddie and Bethany suggested Starbucks and both got snacks, I got a Starbucks oatmeal with pecans. It was the perfect snack! Now I’m just chillen with Bethany, watching Brother Bear in our onesies, finishing some assignments and chatting, feelin very blessed. By a day with few food thoughts, few attempts from the enemy in terms of my eating disorder and overall obsession with Jesus’ victory over it. “More of Him and less of me” I pray every day.

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TOP TEN TUESDAY: Making It Count

In Christ, I can. In Christ, HE will do the work in me. Nothing to do with me.

Here are some things I pray Christ might accomplish in me for the sole purpose of me becoming more fit for His Kingdom.

No More Eating Disorder. There are still thoughts, I still bloat when I eat something I haven’t eaten in years, I still have the voices that tell me I need complete control over what goes in my body. This is all false and from the enemy and I pray that it goes.

A Passion For Healthy Foods. I am so passionate about eating whole foods such as the way God intended, but I pray that in Christ this passion does not consume me but rather my love for Jesus makes me want to nourish my body with only His food.

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Insight to my Calling. In Christ and in prayer I know that I am called to ministry, but exactly what God has in store I don’t know. I pray for an open heart, that I might only answer His call and my flesh and earthly desires have nothing to do with that path.

Novel Makeover. The book I’ve been writing for years, which I thought I finally finished, is begging me to take another look at it. I pray that its message indirectly preaches the Gospel in the way God sees fit.

Adventures with Johnny. When I have exciting news, I want to tell Johnny. When I’m worried, I want to share that with him– but only in Christ, only with God’s leading hands, only in and after prayer. God has blessed me with a person who makes me excited about a future chasing Him and His works, if that might be what His way for us.

Continued Growth with Friends. I constantly brag about having the best friends on the planet, and I really do. I know some incredible people and friendships are SO important to me. I hope to grow with my closest friends and any new people in my life in the way God sees fit, pleasing Him all the while.

Increase My Flexibility. Over the years I have lost quite s bit of flexibility, and now that I’m teaching dance it’s more evident. I think dance is a beautiful, simplistic way to convey stories with our bodies, and I never want to lose that practice.

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Going to the Word– Always. Even once I’ve finished the Bible, I know that every day for the rest of my life I will read it. That is life, the Word is all we have and the only “rules” that matter.

Travelling. My best friend Chloe  and I promised each other years ago that we would one day go to England together. In addition, there are so many places I’d love to go, never losing God’s promise and the knowledge in Him that His presence and beauty is all that makes these places beautiful– equally as beautiful as my own backyard.

 

MOTIVATION MONDAY: Preach the Gospel, Use Words if Necessary

Preach the Gosepl. Use words if necessary.

We live in a society in which many humans are attached and “stuck” is this world, enraptured by the enemy and thus not receiving God’s love, not recognizing that life without Jesus Christ is not a life at all, that God alone is power, is EVERYTHING. When you are receptive of God that is always here and equally present in each of lives whether our humanness knows it or not, it is impossible to comprehend a life without Him for that reason alone– life without our Creator, He who knit our very flesh and moreover our souls and it is He who breathes in our lungs, that’s not even a thing. ALL of us are living that life, but not all of us KNOW we are living that life. Only God and in His timing can do that work in us.

There is this part in the last episode of season 4 of Glee where Emma says to Will at their wedding, “When we first met, I had gum stuck to my shoe and you scraped it off with a credit card. And since then, all the funk that I sometimes find in my head, whenever I have a problem, it’s you who scrapes it out and makes me clean.”

This is beautiful and adorable, and needs to be directed at CHRIST, can only be directed at Him, or Christ’s Spirit in and through another. His joy, His unfailing goodness. His very presence is enough to shatter this earth and make me want to just scream “You are good You are everything Lord show me what I don’t know and fill me up with all that you are because that is all that I want to be.”

Dont “try” this week and throughout your week because you and your flesh will fail. You are nothing and God is everything. Let His love and sacrifice be what your proclaim and if it is necessary, use words. He will guide and orchestrate it all.

In all His goodness, my food thoughts and anxiety are less and less each and every single day. Still I hope to post more recipes and photos on here soon, and some of the workouts I’ve been loving lately. It is easy to be consumed and feel too “busy” on this earth, but no sort of business on this earth matters or is business at all. For your only call is the one in the Kingdom with your Father, and may HE be busy IN you preparing your place at the table.

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MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY: ED Parents

I am afraid I won’t do this topic justice at all and the thing is that I won’t, so let this be a disclaimer from the beginning. I have never been a parent, obviously, of an eating disordered child, but I have been an eating disordered child with parents who were desperate for answers as to how to help me. I love my parents so much, and haven’t really talked much about what my eating disorder did in terms of destructing my relationship with them, relationships only God can administer and repair. When I was in refeeding, my mom was not only a college student but had to sit with me five times a day until I ate all my food. She was the one who was there in all the tears, the yelling, the pain, and she was the one who was most affected by Ed’s wrath.
There are quite a few online sites specifically for parents of eating disordered sons and daughters to talk and relate and vent. Some of their words are so insightful.

I still remember when I first told my mom my biggest fear about going to the clinic. “They make you eat 2500 calories, Mom!” I said, “No one in human history has eaten that much.”
^^Please do not be triggered by this statement. I recognize now– and did somewhere deep down then, too– that the average human eats around this much, probably and often much more, every day just to keep satisfied and healthy. The “diet world” doesn’t get that. The “diet world” is trained on numbers such as 1200-1600, but this group more than anyone could probably benefit from more food– just the RIGHT food. Without focus on it. Just living. Just eating to fuel. No dwelling on food. Perhaps that is the cure for eating disorders. But how?
It certainly would not have worked if someone were to tell me back when I was starving every day that I “just need to eat.” In fact, that is one of the worst things you can tell an eating disordered person because in the midst of the enemy’s grip, eating is about as complicated as a calculus equation. I didn’t need people, I didn’t need words, I didn’t need, even, food– what and all I needed was God.

And God was right there, just as there, in the midst of my self-fulfilling, purpose lacking struggle. But the enemy was in control of my life. In this I am not blaming my human self but the enemy’s work to bring mental illness to the earth in attempt to stave our hearts from God.
If we live our lives as we were intended to, fully regarding the Spirit and living for Christ’s purposes alone, all these things will come. But part of that purpose is that we can’t be living for Him SO THAT those things happen, because that’s not living for HIM. But we can be expectant that by His good grace a life lived for Him WILL DELIVER these things.
Only through Him and for Him do I know I can recover. For if He is truly my reason for living, my obsession, I will reckon that food is necessary for my serving Him, not to be abused or dwelled upon. The Spirit in me knew all of this, but now, as I know God more each day, it is all I know.
My parents saw a starving girl who thought any amount of food would be worse than death, because she wouldn’t be in control of her life. But the thing is that we will NEVER be in control of our own lives. The enemy can try to make us think we can, but only God can pilot us. This has always and will always be the Truth, and God knows you. Know Him.

WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: Food For His Kingdom

Happy Wednesday guys! Prayers and thoughts with you that your weeks are fulfilling to Christ’s works and forever striving in and by His grace.

Today I let the food talk for God’s good works in me.
Breakfast this morning was big and therefore challenging. I made a big bowl of oatmeal with a bunch of berries, coconut oil, and sunflower seeds. I got in a good amount of (unmeasured!!!) substance that I knew I’d need for the day. I spent the morning in the book of Hebrews, doing some homework, and cleaning my room a bit. I’m home by myself Wednesday mornings so I definitely sing at the top of my lungs and worked on choreography for the classes I teach too. I bussed to class in time for Linguistics, and then met Laura to study together where we caught up and I ate a Lara bar as a snack. A few hours later, Johnny and I headed to house for some always needed, never long enough time together. Together we’re reading a book called “When God Writes Your Love Story.” We’re not very far, but the premise and the writing is fantastic and I would recommend it to all couples, above all tapping into God and what He would have for your relationship.
And this boy makes me smile more than I thought was possible. And the peace, spirituality, humour, and cuteness in our relationship is all to be given to God. Praising Him in all of this. I later had a handful of carrots while watching Netflix with Johnny, his brother, and housemate, noting the normalcy of Johnny’s dinner that is/was “just food.” FUEL. Necessary.
I had Christian Studies in the evening, our class still centered in Matthew Chapter 5. God generated discussion on our being “the light of the world” and not “the lights of the world” because WE, as humans, are not the lights– there is no plural. Rather GOD and ONLY GOD is the LIGHT, and He works through us to shine to this sinful earth. Nothing to do with US, only to do with HIM. Ah, so good. What better encouragement from my Saviour to live for Him, therefore fueling the body He blessed me without distraction or the work of the enemy.
After class, I missed my bus home, and only then did I realize my extreme hunger. I wandered back to the seminary and grabbed an apple from the kitchen.

By the time I got home, it was after 11, and I knew I hadn’t eaten nearly enough for the day. I put on a big sweater, got comfy, positioned myself with some homework and glee, and ate dinner, exactly what I was wanting: banana, dates, tons of berries, and carrots with peanut butter. I know this doesn’t sound like dinner, but it was TRULY what sounded good to me and I ate plenty. Not giving into Ed thoughts whatsoever but more so challenging them, also with no calories counted, no measuring, and little anxiety. Forever praising the Lord.

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Im off to bed now, sleep tight and blessings for a prayerful and peaceful night.

TOP TEN TUESDAY: Currently…

I think it’s been a little while since I’ve done a “currently,” so I’ll get right into it!

Studies. Currently reading and delving into Douglas Hall’s “Why Christian.” The title and premise freaked me out a bit, but it’s actually a phenomenal book that I highly recommend.

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Frustration. I am incredibly busy, with work, homework, school, and spending time with friends. I love all of it, especially as my death to self and growth in Christ becomes more and more the only facet of life. But relationships and time with people is so important to me, and I just wish I had more TIME to spend wth loved ones.

Conversation. My incredible pastor, Wendell, just took me out for lunch and we had incredible conversation. He is an epitome of love, respect, earnest listening, and eagerness in Christ. We talked for over two hours.

Music. I am listening to a lot of EDM recently, especially for workouts. This is different for me from my usual country go-to, and while my love of country music hasn’t faded, my love of others has grown, my boyfriend significantly “at fault.” 😉

Food. My mom’s been buying fresh mangoes like every other day because my passionate vegan little sister consumes so much fruit, and man are they ever good!

Putting Words to A Life Thought. I have always loved witnessing Christ in people who don’t “know Him,” because it is so reaffirming that He is everything, in everything, and the only Truth. Finding His Word, not necessarily IN words, in movies, books, and even just the presence of others is so encouraging.

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Teaching Dance. I usually teach dance with my older sister, but for the first time this term we are taking on our own classes. I truly now feel like a “dance teacher” by profession, which is SO COOL. I remember every single one of my own face teachers, and the idea of being able to influence and inspire young kids the way my teachers have is such a gift.

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Time with my Sisters. I have been growing with, and seeing imdividual spiritual growth in both of my beautiful sisters and in that I praise the Lord and feel myself  so blessed.

 

Christ in Johnny. My relationship with Johnny is very new and fresh, but is every day beautiful and draws me closer to God. I love his sense of humour, his smile, his personality, but all of those things are truly bonuses to who God is in Him, ever growing individually and in us together. I’m excited and so blessed by the Lord’s leadership to continued growth with Johnny.

YouTuber. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but I am so in love with everything Tess Begg posts on Instagram and YouTube. She eats so similarly to me and had such an interesting and natural outlook on life.