MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY: Ed and His Posse

I know this guy named Ed,

I was happy, he made me angry instead.

We met back in eighth grade,

I was floored by all the rules he laid.

He made me give up all my control,

My friends and my virtues he stole.

I listened to his voice over my own,

And I wound up numbingly alone.

Ed told me that I had no value or worth,

And so to cope and to fill that void, I searched.

Each night became Ed’s, he planned out my tasks,

For a little sleep, I didn’t dare ask

for I knew that he’d keep me up, wouldn’t cease till I cried,

with each night I grew weaker, and the next day I lied.

The pain of the nights couldn’t show for the day,

“Just smile and nod,” was all Ed would say.

There came a time I had enough of Ed’s game,

I broke our silent pact, but the scars still remained.

Ed was angry, and vicious, and wanted revenge,

Another set of rules he would soon have me pledge.

This time was much worse, I succumbed to his low,

And only then did I realize there weren’t any lengths he wouldn’t go.

Each time Ed called “sin,” I’d need his forgiveness,

And each time that I’d earn it, I’d shrink, less and less.

And soon Ed was tired, grew sick of the “sinning,”

But I couldn’t see that his games were just beginning.

Ed forced me to go each day without fuel,

I still smiled and nodded, didn’t see that it was cruel.

Ed told me that physical weakness meant strength,

“Everyone’s eating but you,” he’d go on a great length

til a time came I felt brave, and needed new life,

I knew it wouldn’t be easy to convince Ed of my strife.

But I worked,

and I worked,

and Ed worked right back.

itd be naive to think he wasn’t planning a counter attack.

i couldn’t tell the lies from the truths, didn’t know who to believe,

“Oh Cassie,” Ed said, “You are so, so naive.”

But I plunged on and on, and know now Ed meant death,

Know that still his voice echoes and would never relent.

Sometimes I think I need him to be strong, he told me for years,

But looking around, I know life is right here.

I am so so blessed, nothing threatens Ed more,

He turns happy moments into nothing but a chore.

So if I am with you, and Ed speaks for me,

You may have trouble at first, but listen for MY subtle plea.

I’m always here somewhere, and part of me knows

that Ed is my eating disorder.

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