I have so much bouncing around in my head today and I truly do not have the time to be writing this post in technical terms but by my books, it is so important to take these blog breaks. Mondays I get one hour of breathing time and I choose to spend it blogging by myself in a cafe and it’s truly a beautiful moment of clarity.
Today, by the way, that cafe is Williams, and as per my beautiful friend Haylies recommendation I’m eating a grilled chicken rice box minus the cheese and sauce for din din.
Lately ive been told quite frequently that I seem to have my life so well put together. And each time I’ve been told that, my answer is, What gives you that idea? And people say, “Well people know you get good grades, and you make time for friends, and you work out and blog on the side and have a job.”
All of that is true and to be honest, I do feel like I’m naturally pretty ok at balancing my life. God comes first and if God truly comes first, people come second. But a lot of things go forgotten still for me. I overthink and worry about every little thing. Those things that people have told me I seem to have in such balance are all things that have mostly always come pretty naturally to me. Like fitness and nutrition.
Something I’ve really struggled with lately is this strong desire to e completely lax and “normal” about nutrition and fitness, not triggered by things that normal people talk about. To hear the word “workout” without being triggered. To have someone ask me about my food account without getting defensive. To be able to talk about “healthy eating” the way I truly believe it, simultaneously applying what I tell others to myself.
None of this is easy when you’ve had eating disorder thoughts for nearly half of your life! I spent a good 70% of my lecture time today figuring out what id eat tomorrow. My browsing history is chalk full of on-campus menus and nutrition facts. A psych major would tell me that that action is a coping mechanism, a fallback, a Safeway. If this is true, then it makes sense that when people bring up nutrition facts, I get antsy and anxious. I’m not thinking about the food or what they are talking about rationally or the way they mean it to be said, but rather I am relating it to the control issues I seek to handle through nutrition guides.
My personal opinion on healthy eating (which I unfortunately rarely apply to myself) is that food should not be something we think about. We should eat what we want and crave…when food is available… Etc. This is natural for most people, but I don’t know what that’s like. I also think that our bodies are meant to eat simplistically, ie paleo, and this is definitely something I apply to myself, but probably too extremely– to the point where it consumes my life. I need that balance!
I believe that we as humans were meant to move. Our bodies are meant to work and push in order to be productive, help others, and carry out God’s works, and in today’s society, that doesn’t look the way it should. We get less movement because everything is about convenience. If you are working for everything, pushing yourself mentally, and exploring the world, healthy exercise comes with it.
My eating disorder is not about these things, even though I believe them. My eating disorder is about control and perfectionism. My eating disorder is unimpressed by my personal opinions on food and fitness. Then again, my eating disorder is unimpressed by most things.
This is a super unedited and frantic post so I apologize for that format but I hope what I’ve said makes some sense. My eating disorder story can be found here on my blog, and also is now features on storiesnotselfies.com .