Today was a great day for no great reason. I was productive in that I was GOOD TO MYSELF in the morning, went for a drive and some tea with my beautiful friend Nour, and wrote a midterm that I feel pretty good about. Sounds pretty simple, and it was, but it’s been great. It’s also my parents’ 21st anniversary, and they truly make me believe in marriage and love.
Today I thought I’d base this post around just my general recovery and mindset lately. I have to be honest, I’ve been struggling a lot with old habits and weird eating times lately. I think a lot of that has to do with my fear of eating in public. I eat well in the morning, head out for a long day, and then eat again late at night. I don’t understand because I still really have always struggled with hunger cues. Even when I’m “hungry”, I don’t want food. I obsess over it and it’s measurements and making it look right on a plate. Just a lot of weird things that tell me I am definitely in quasi-recovery.
Recovery is so confusing; this is really coming from my heart right now. There are moments of clarity and joy in eating a good meal and there are moments of sheer horror and fear and pain where the voices are loud and relentless. I have had eating disorders since I was 12 years old and still I am sorting through all this. In my own struggles I hope to dissect my brain in order to one day speak about what should really be done in treatment facilities. I want to know what truly will help, if anything. I want to deepen my understanding of my entire mess and the messes of those around me. I talked to my mom today and found myself still with a ton of pent up anger toward my situation. It is difficult. It is difficult. But the thing is that I refuse to dwell in this difficulty and instead I work to improve and repair myself each day. I want a sounder mind but the thing is that oftentimes I really DONT. Oftentimes I don’t want a sounder mind. I don’t want recovery. I don’t want the food thoughts gone because I am afraid. But that is why this is a disorder, I remind myself. These thoughts are disorderd. Is confusing my body all day by not eating till later healthy? NO. I know that. I do… It’s Ana that doesn’t. And all of the eds I’ve met have caused me nothing but pain, so that is why I keep my wits about me, and I focus on recovery.