MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY: Ed and His Posse

I know this guy named Ed,

I was happy, he made me angry instead.

We met back in eighth grade,

I was floored by all the rules he laid.

He made me give up all my control,

My friends and my virtues he stole.

I listened to his voice over my own,

And I wound up numbingly alone.

Ed told me that I had no value or worth,

And so to cope and to fill that void, I searched.

Each night became Ed’s, he planned out my tasks,

For a little sleep, I didn’t dare ask

for I knew that he’d keep me up, wouldn’t cease till I cried,

with each night I grew weaker, and the next day I lied.

The pain of the nights couldn’t show for the day,

“Just smile and nod,” was all Ed would say.

There came a time I had enough of Ed’s game,

I broke our silent pact, but the scars still remained.

Ed was angry, and vicious, and wanted revenge,

Another set of rules he would soon have me pledge.

This time was much worse, I succumbed to his low,

And only then did I realize there weren’t any lengths he wouldn’t go.

Each time Ed called “sin,” I’d need his forgiveness,

And each time that I’d earn it, I’d shrink, less and less.

And soon Ed was tired, grew sick of the “sinning,”

But I couldn’t see that his games were just beginning.

Ed forced me to go each day without fuel,

I still smiled and nodded, didn’t see that it was cruel.

Ed told me that physical weakness meant strength,

“Everyone’s eating but you,” he’d go on a great length

til a time came I felt brave, and needed new life,

I knew it wouldn’t be easy to convince Ed of my strife.

But I worked,

and I worked,

and Ed worked right back.

itd be naive to think he wasn’t planning a counter attack.

i couldn’t tell the lies from the truths, didn’t know who to believe,

“Oh Cassie,” Ed said, “You are so, so naive.”

But I plunged on and on, and know now Ed meant death,

Know that still his voice echoes and would never relent.

Sometimes I think I need him to be strong, he told me for years,

But looking around, I know life is right here.

I am so so blessed, nothing threatens Ed more,

He turns happy moments into nothing but a chore.

So if I am with you, and Ed speaks for me,

You may have trouble at first, but listen for MY subtle plea.

I’m always here somewhere, and part of me knows

that Ed is my eating disorder.

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WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: I am Frustrated

Trigger Warning to those with eating disorders.

Hello everybody!!

Today was a wonderful day, but also a really huge wake up call day. I feel sort of self indulgent doing any personal recovery updates lately, but today I’m going to do that. I’m not going to sugar coat it, ever. Recovery can be brutal and I need to document some of those downs. Still I have some positive moments to share!

Breakfast. I had a really wonderful, substantial breakfast before work this morning, which is great. It was organic wheat squares cereal with almond milk, a big glob of peanut butter, a whole banana, and some blueberries.

Lunch. I started work at 9, and it was a really slow day! I just worked till 1:30 and ate oatmeal with granola, maple syrup, and blueberries from my work. I used to always get the oatmeal with the syrup and granola, but Ed hasn’t let me for months, so that was a little win for sure.

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Snack. After my shift, I went to Sammy’s house. She was still at class, so I chilled with her mom and aunt for about an hour before Sam came home. Just seeing this woman makes my life brighter. She is my best friend in every way, and is one of the greatest people. We can always just spend hours doing nothing together and it’s great.

Sam knows me way too well, and asked me what I was going to eat before Katrina picked me up for class at 6. I lied and said that I was going to get the free dinner at my seminary, and I think Sam knew that I was lying. Her mom called me to get dinner, and she too is always trying to make sure I’m eating enough. That whole family is my second one. They are such a blessing. Anyway, at Sam’s when I went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and felt weird, that I looked different than the last time I looked in the mirror, probably about two weeks ago. I was going to resist the urge to step on her scale but I did, and I’ve dropped weight, too much. It sickens me how much that fed and excited my brain. It was all I could think about all night. What people don’t understand about eating disorders is that I will always be programmed to get a high off of these things; like hunger, and food thoughts, and numbers. It takes WORK to stop that, I’m telling you. So with Kat on the way to school we stopped at Starbucks and I got a soy cappuccino.

Dinner. I had my 7-10 Christian Studies class, which was fantastic as always. Got to catch up with my uni girls and learned so much, worked very hard to keep my head away from food. Although I was definitely hungry, and wanted to cry because the hungrier my stomach got, the more my Ed said YES YES YES. An Ed turns hunger into a good thing, and I am FRUSTRATED that after 3 years I still have not gotten normal hunger that actually makes me want food. My illness prevails quite often. Kat drove me home, where I had a whole cucumber and carrots with a GIANT amount of peanut butter (photo doesn’t do justice) and some turkey slices.

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You see, I have been in a much better place in recovery. And while this is an alright ish amount of food for a day, it isn’t nearly what it needs to be, nor is it non-disordered. I truly believe that the closer I grow to God and the further I grow in my faith and the more I delve into my need for no pride, I will get healthier and healthier. This was a poor day mentally, but at least I can sort of recognize that. That being said, I do think I need to be strong and reach out for a new type of therapy, I just don’t know what.

Hoping to only present you with more and more progress. Sending love everyone’s way.

TOP TEN TUESDAY: Notes of November

Good Afternoon and Happy Tuesday!

I love the beginning of the week. But the thing is, I try to think of EVERY day as both a beginning and an ending. We are so much more than the corporate ladder and all that comes with it, and would be far too prideful to think that the world revolves around our beginnings and endings. Today could be your last– are you spending it the way God would want you to? Just some food for thought!

Ed Win. This month, concretely I think my biggest Ed win was that muffin I had last week. That was majorly significant as far as fear food conquering. Mentally, when I look back over this month, I think I have come so much closer to the Lord in the exact meaning that I have been acknowledging just how far I have to go– FOREVER. And ever.

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Outfit. Beautiful Haylie gave me this little coat thing from Garage, like can anyone remind me what these are called? I wear it way too often with big scarves.

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Food. Yeah, it’s still oatmeal ;). And honestly, that’s okay! Oatmeal and nice cream are my favourite things to eat and that is okay, because I still am gaining variety. And I’ve had so few panic attacks this month.

 

Excitement. I recently learned that, although I have to get a four year masters degree even after this four year BA, I can get a full time job in ministry once I get this BA. So encouraging!

God Working in My Life. There is a guy named Johnny who has been in my Theology class all semester, but we’ve recently been talking every day and he is incredible and we have both reached a very similar point in our journeys with God’s Word. Crazy to see God working in us and bringing us to meet each other and grow together.

Friends and Family. The value of the incredible people in my life is insurmountable, and no matter how busy I am, I never want to lose sight of that they come second in my life, under the umbrella of my love of the Lord. I am blessed by such wonderful people and have made a lot of memories this month!

The End of an Era. Haylie and I saw the final Hunger Games movie on It’s opening night, and it is the best movie ever. I still can’t stop thinking about it. The two of us have seen all four of the movies on their opening together, and now that it’s over I’m definitely experiencing a bit of post depression. Haylie could not be a more wonderful person in all ways.

Laugh Out Loud. I’m really, really, really horrible at Spanish. Also I was walking through my campus on day last week sipping a hot Starbucks drink with a straw and got a lot of weird looks but couldn’t care less. #defysocialnorms.

Journal. My Oma and IPS gave me this beautiful journal for my birthday and it’s so wonderful for keeping in touch with my thoughts.

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MOTIVATION MONDAY: “I Hate People”

Hey Peeps!

Have you ever seen someone tweet this, or heard it said? “I hate people.” I remember the first time I saw someone tweet this, I was incredibly confused. Now I think I’m numb to it, because it seems to be such a common thing to say. I get the idea of being mad at humanity, or hating what people do, but I think we are in a great position now for a paradigm shift on this idea. It is not okay to hate people, but it is definitely okay to be angry with people.

Something God has really placed on my heart is the reminder that we are all equal in Christ, and we all make mistakes. We are not in a position to judge anyone around us for the mistakes they have made. So let’s put a positive twist on people, and rejoice in knowing that we all have faults, and we’re all trying.

Start looking at all people with a warm heart. Let go of pride or insecurities; we are not living for ourselves, but for the Lord. And dedicate yourself to His works, spoken through all people in different ways.

That blurb and this recipe have nothing to do with each other–necessarily😉Oh theology– but here is the recipe for the blueberry nice cream I posted today:

INGREDIENTS

2 large bananas, frozen

1 cup frozen blueberries

ice cubes

2/3 cup water

BLEND all nice cream ingredients until consistent. Top with favourite muesli/granola, and homemade Nutella:

In a small dish, place 1 T peanut butter, 1 T cacao powder, and 2 T water. Microwave for 20 seconds on high and stir for thick consistency.

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MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY: Too Many

Happy Thursday everyone! Hope you are all having incredible weeks.

I have been overwhelmed by thoughts and beliefs and perspectives lately and usually that it was I devote my Thursdays to blogging about, but today I don’t think I have the words. So, instead, I’m going to link you some articles that I’ve found quite moving.

If you have not yet read my full eating disorder account, head here:

http://storiesnotselfies.com/portfolio-item/cassies-story/

Julia’s last WIAW was a great reminder about what our disorder’s often try to convince us of:

http://www.lord-still-loves-me.com/wiaw-eating-food-i-dont-like-picky-eater/#more-4486

Finally, a great reminder about God in mental illness– cuz He’s in everything:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/where-god-mental-illness

WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: Day in Toronto

HEY GUYS!
Wow. I cannot even explain how much God moved in my life today. As a theologian, I would argue that he moves equally often in all of our days, but sometimes we are more receptive or attentive, and today was certainly one of those days for me. I’m going to tell you all about it in the form of WIAW, which also features a lot of recovery wins.
Breakfast. My alarm was set for 4:30 this morning, because my dad leaves for work at 5:30 and that was my only ride to the bus terminal to my uni. I got all ready, very groggily, and then drove with my dad to the busses, hopped on one of them, and got to school for 6:15. I wasn’t meeting Ben, the guy in my theology class who offered to drive me and some others in the class to Toronto for the Queens Park debate, until 7, so I took a nap in my favourite lounge on campus, which was blissful. I met Ben at 6:55, along with Johnny, Philip, and Presley, all in my theology class, who are incredible, funny, insightful people. None of us know each other extremely well, but we sure got to know each other today! It was like a breakfast club experience, almost.
So we headed out and almost immediately started spieling about our favourite types of music, stealing Ben’s aux cord and playing songs for each other, talking all the while. Just 20 minutes in we stopped at Tim Horton’s, and I am very proud to say that I ate my FIRST MUFFIN SINCE HAVING ANOREXIA.
Muffins are definitely one of my top five fear foods. When I had night eating syndrome, I often baked muffins in the midst of a binge. The sugar content also freaks Ana out to no prevail. But all the way, my colleagues were talking about how they couldn’t wait for timmies with donuts and breakfast sandwiches and creamy lattes and I thought AGH I want to not be thinking about this. So I went to the cash register and tried very hard to order exactly what I wanted, and what came out was a blueberry muffin. That’s all I had, but I am very proud of it.
Lunch. The rest of the drive was so much fun. We all went from pouring our hearts out about faith and the spirit and how true Christianity is never ever self-fulfilling and I probably ranted too much but we all did and I can’t begin to explain how incredible it is to talk about these things. Gah. God is good, that is all.
This theology class focuses on applying faith to politics, and it’s taught by Dr. John Molloy, former cabinet member of the liberal provincial government. When we got to Queens Park, John was famous. Photographers were everywhere, everyone asking John why he had quit his successful career to teach at seminary. John describes it to us as a calling.
The first part of our session entailed an hour session with a group called ISARK, essentially activists working to bring faith more to the public square. It was really interesting. Next, we went right into the House of Commons and watched all the provincial politicians we see on TV in Ontario debate. There was so much heckling, and backlash and booing and calling out, it was utterly shocking. And afterwards, after the vote and all the press, we watched Kathleen Wynn “behind the scenes” heading off to lunch with the people she had just been yelling at, of the opposing party. We then had a quick lunch break, where I drank a black coffee and ate a sandwich I packed made with sprouted grain bread, lean roast beef, spinach, and mustard.
Snack. After lunch, we had the opportunity to ask questions of a representative of each party, round table style, about their application of faith to their work. Each of them told us that much of the heckling was “only theatrics,” and that a lot of that had to be done to get a point across. That was a little unsettling to me. How much of their answers to our questions, then, were “theatrics?” All three of the representatives spoke about their faith “informing what they do,” and “helping others to find comfort in their party.” This was even more unsettling to me. Faith is not a crutch or a comfort, but rather a way of life, the centre of everything, and while I know everyone is entitled to opinions, I think that true Christianity embodies this, for as Mark warns us to beware of the religious folk that are self-fulfilling. I am not in any way putting down these politicians, for I know nothing about politics. It was eye-opening for me as someone who hopes to reach out to people as a pastor one day.
The drive home was much the same. I bonded with my peers so extremely, and we had such a blast. I got home at around 4:30, grabbed a soy cappuccino from Starbucks, and ventured to the mall for a bit of shopping.

Dinner. After my wonderful theology lecture, I drove home with Katrina and poured my heart out to my parents about my day! Clearly I haven’t eaten enough, and I ended the night with a whole cucumber with a bunch of pb, and then a giant bowl of baked banana pb oats.

 

TOP TEN TUESDAY: Study Essentials

Hello All!

I am currently in my busiest week of Uni. I have a trip to Toronto tomorrow that I have to write a paper on, two midterms, a research paper due Thursday, a 2000 word essay due Monday, and a debate tomorrow. Needless to say I’m a little overwhelmed! I know myself well enough to know that the best way to de-stress is to share some wisdom with others, so I’m popping in for a study blog.

Music. I guess this is pretty basic, but I’m loving Justin Bieber’s Purpose and 1D’s Made in the AM. Less basic is Chris Young’s new album (I’m obsessed) but also Lawson’s Chapman Square, which is really old but one of my fav albums of all time.

Food. For a quick pick-me-up today I grabbed a soy cappuccino and an oat bar from my campus Starbucks. I was surprised when the lady wrote my name on the cup without asking me and said, “Will it be the usual?” And when I asked for the oat bar she said “Ah a little treat today, those are my favourite.” It perked me right up.

Method. The only way I can study for tests is by re-copying my notes and summarizing them. Is that just me?!

Subjects. Today I’m working on my theology debate which pertains to a parable from the Gospel of Mark on justice, a research paper on the avant-grade period of 1920s artist Frederico Lorca, and studying for the Spanish midterm that I am doomed to fail!!!!

Friends. People are always more important than studies. Please remember this. Last night I slept over at Maddie’s who I went to church with along with my friends Savannah and Sara and my sister Krystal, and this morning I studied– mostly laughed– with Laura and our friend Mick. People keep you sane and happy!

Place. I’m currently in a study cubicle in the 24 lounge in a comfy chair, my favourite place to study on campus.

Mood. I’m generally really happy lately. Ive been putting emphasis on focusing on all the good in my life because boy is there a lot. I feel very blessed.

Incentive. When I finally get home tonight at around 11:30 I will eat some oatmeal and watch a couple of Friends episodes. My favourite way to me time!

Thought of the Day. Sammy texted me last night with a quote: “An eye for an eye makes the world blind.” I loved it. My personal one: “The bad news is that time flies. The good news is that you’re the pilot.”

My Nerdy Passion. I love journaling. My therapist always told me to do that because I’m a writer, and I think everyone should!