I currently have about 50 billion thoughts running through my head and have had the most busy week so forgive me if this post is all over the place! You know, trying to deal with the persistent voices of an eating disorder whilst working 25 hours a week and being a full time uni student and having an active social life is not easy. I am working really hard, but you know what the case is? All that business just makes Ed’s voice louder, because he wants me to remember how important it is not forget him. *Hes a loser.*
Breakfast. Today I woke up at like 7 and studied a bit and got some other things done and then put together a delicious bowl of cereal with coconut milk, banana, and peanut butter, and I also added some raisins after just cuz.
My eating disorder has been freaking out about certain foods and macros and all this brutal stuff 24/7 and especially when Ana, Mia, and Ned have taken over and confused my body for the past 6 years, this stuff just shouldn’t matter. My mental and physical health suffer.
Lunch. I worked from 9-3 today and ran my butt off all day, drinking tooons of coffee. I ate a piece of whole wheat toast somewhere in there, and ordered a veggie skillet with a poached egg at the end of my shift, without the cheese of course cuz of my allergy! It has homefries on the bottom.
Do you know how much I stressed about this breakfast? I ate it, and then Ed made me think about it the whole bus ride to university. And I led an entire church service when I got there, and sang a solo, and for the entire service, Ed made me worry about having to take communion, while CASSIE focused on praying for strength and understanding. I did take communion and am proud of that, but my thoughts have still been consumed with food all day.
Dinner. After church, there was a free dinner outside the chapel that a lot of my friends were at. I couldn’t face the bread and soup and walked to the food court to eat a piece of whole grain bread and tofu and celery. I probably missed out on getting to know some more awesome people. To eat tofu alone.
I was really anxious when Bethany, a beautiful new friend of mine, saw me and came over and sat right down with her dinner with me. She made a joke about my milk allergy, as everyone does, and she knows about my eating disorder and is so supportive. I explained to her how mad I was at myself about missing the hour at the chapel and she was so understanding and I felt so comfortable eating with her. We went to our Christianity class which was awesome as always, and Katrina kindly drove me home.
When I got home I genuinely really just wanted a giant bowl of my baked blueberry oats, so I made a cup of those topped with peanut butter.
Right now, I’m really full, and I know that that’s because my body is yet again getting used to normal amounts of food, and I know I still need to be eating more throughout the day! This post was mostly to showcase some of the evil eating disorders can wreak and I’m sorry because I’m just exhausted! Choose recovery and never ever give up.