MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY: Ed's A Loser
I have made myself aware of the fact recently that I have continually eluded to my eating habits of late without really talking about them. I’ve been doing that in an attempt to keep my blog going in its usual fashion without triggering anyone. I realized, though, that I am in fact probably being more triggering in this way because my not talking about the disordered eating I am making it seem perhaps normal, intentional, or healthy.
This has not been my intention in the least and I am so truly sorry if it has triggered anybody. My eating habits of late have been the result of stress and triggers and other personal things, as well as simply a lapse within a very serious mental illness.
Yesterday in the shower, I ran my fingers through my hair and was left with a big heap of it all over my hands. TMI, sorry, but I literally jumped when this happened. It was a regular thing for about six months, my losing hair in the shower, and so I associate that with a period of zombieness, no concentration, and no social life. I associated it yesterday with my days deep within anorexia. It was a horrible and weird feeling.
I have fallen into a bit of safe trap. While I haven’t gone under 1000 calories in the past few months, I haven’t really gone over it either. This is obviously not NEARLY enough food and I know that. It also ladies and gentlemen has nothing to do with body dissatisfaction. Again, my body is a tool my eating disorder uses to gage how much “control” it has over me. Therefore, the smaller my body, the happier my eating disorder.
But why on earth would I want ed to be happy? I certainly don’t. But when a mental illness is inside of you, that part of your brain starts to make those decisions and make it harder and harder to think straight, especially with such lack of nourishment.
I have several goals and hopes for coming out of this lapse. One is regaining my appetite. Another is incorporating more variety. Still necessary is upping my quantity quite a bit, and finally, working in therapy to negate the constant voices.
(selfie from today, trying to keep a positive mindset)
Recovering from Ed is an everyday battle, even when well into recovery. This stuff is far more difficult than university and balancing my life and anything else I’ve ever been through. But without recovery I wouldn’t have a life and so I am grateful for each day and each thing I learn.
The only thing I can promise is that I’m going to work as hard as I’m able and try my best every day.