It never fails to amaze me what little understanding there is of the reality of eating disorders. The “safe food” sickness I’ve been stuck in the past few months is not something I’ve chosen, or something I want, or a diet I’m “following.” In fact, a diet is a completely different thing altogether. This is a mental illness, a result of lack of control and perfectionism that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. The idea of consuming something besides oatmeal makes me cease up. It’s terrifying. And I don’t know why. Yes, my eating disorder has taken more hold of me. I know what I need to do and I KNOW I need to recover my body from this and eat in abundance and in variety! So I did challenge that today, adding in some new foods, and I hope that with each day I will conquer more of these foods. I truly can’t believe I’m saying that again but yeah, I’m doing this and it sucks and it’s terrifying but thanks for all the support.
Breakfast. I woke up at 6 am, showered, got all ready for school, found some incredible new instagram accounts, and WROTE a shopping list with my mom!!! On it was things that she and I thought of together that we know that I enjoy that Rd convinces me I don’t. An eating disorder makes it seem literally impossible and unthinkable to eat certain foods, but we started with some easier ones. The thing is that I’ve done this all before, reintroducing fear foods, but that was recovering from literally not eating– this time I have been consuming meals just not nearly enough calories or variety.
Anyway, the first thing on my list is cereal! But for breakfast this morning I had oats with cacao, dates, banana slices, and peanut butter. Lots of dense foods which was really good. And this combo is delicious!
Snack. Before heading to work, I made a huge iced coffee with almond milk, cinnamon and stevia. I. NEEDED. This.
Lunch. I worked a four hour shift at Cora and thought all morning about challenging myself to a new lunch but ended up getting my oatmeal with berries. I do truly love this, but next time I’ll get something different! It’s so hard to know lately which voice is Ed’s and which is mine.
Dinner. I bussed to a tea date with Natalie and straight to class– a three hour Global Citizenship Lecture. It was so awesome, as always. I love this class and the lecture tonight was about tying faith and justice together and tackling some of the big questions that being human and being sinners makes us have. I shared so much. It was truly indescribable and I LOVE coming out of lectures feeling this way. My sister’s best friend Katrina kindly drove me home and we talked and laughed the whole way. I came home and are an entire cucumber with lots of peanut butter (there’s more hiding under there) and then a bowl of oats with cashew yogurt and blueberries.
Again I am terrified of triggering people. I recognize that my eating has been disordered and restrictive of late, and this has everything to do with my mindset and my brain. I am working so hard, so so hard, please believe me, and today featured a higher intake and more variety than I’ve had in a couple months so that is something to celebrate! I pray this will only continue as I work harder toward remission from this lapse.