MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY: Why Are We Here?

This is crazy. As I’m drafting this, I’m sitting on the bus, and this guy who was on a few weeks ago is on again– he was talking with some guy about whether God exists. They were having a heated debate, and the guy was arguing that “there doesn’t have to be a point.” the reason we’re here could be simply logical. Even though the earth will blow up one day and there will be NOTHING, that’s it. That’s fine. That’s science.
It has always been beyond important to me, as I think it should be to everyone, to accept and care about everyone’s opinions. We all come from different perspectives, and it is completely redundant to argue an opinion without knowing that multiple people out there believe completely differently.
I have never been a logical person. Life is made up of stories to me, words and perspectives and ideas rather than facts. People make life worth living. And a lifetime is a millisecond compared to the time spent in heaven.
I really do think life is a trial before the Kingdom. It’s a birthing. It’s recognizing Jesus and that He died for our sin, and then a perfect knowledge comes with eternal life. And I don’t think just Christian people get that. The Bible, and God in my ear every day, teach us to love everyone, and obviously God loves us equally as His children.
I’ve often wondered what God’s plans are with this age of technology, but I’ve learned that wondering is pointless. We were not made to know the answers, just to do our best every day to live out God’s works.
I work to apply that to my illness. I think of mental illnesses as being metaphors of sin. Not a choice, obviously, but a roadblock between us and God. If I seek out God with everything I have, I truly believe mental illness is possible to beat.
I have tried for so long to seek out God with everything I have and as sinners, that just isn’t possible. But we keep trying. We make that the focus of each day, and we grow closer to the divine.
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WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: Shortest Day Ever

Hey y’all!

It’s another WIAW over here as I blog at midnight after a crazy day I’m excited to share with yall!

Breakfast. I woke up at 7 am this morning and got all my things together for the whole day and made oatmeal that I forgot to take a pic of, but it was topped with blueberries, a bit of pb, goat yogurt, a few dates and cacao. Yuuuummmm.

Lunch. Work was really tiring for some reason today! My shift was 9-3, and at the end of it I nommed some more oatmeal from work that my like favourite worker ever, the most amazing cook Sheena made me (she makes it for me every day).

IMG_20151028_140311Pre-Workout. I bussed to the mall very quickly because I’m out of Quest bars so I picked up a few, ran a couple other errands, and then bussed to campus where I met up with Mary, Maddie, and Michelle to for a nice 45 min workout at our amazing gym! Before which I ate a DCC quest bar. I did 20 minutes on the bike, and some core work and it didn’t feel compulsive in the least.

IMG_20151028_171415Dinner. We didn’t have a lot of time between our 7pm class after our workout, so we grabbed Subway on the way back to Mary’s amazing dorm apartment to shower and change. I had a footlong ham and turkey with lettuce, pickles, spinach, green pepper, cucumber, and mustard.

IMG_20151028_181108Snack. After our three hour theology lecture, Katrina and I bussed home together and once home I knew I needed to get some more cals in! Sometimes, I really do think this is what recovery is, beyond early stages. Yes it’s about learning to recognize cravings and hunger, but most of the time those are non existent for me. But I’m obviously very good at recognizing when I simply need more food– following through is the challenge. I settled on some oatmeal, with basically the same combo of toppings and my brekkie.

IMG_20151028_232155There you have a full day of eats! It was a beautiful, blessed day and I woke up this morning and I am alive and there’s a big, beaming world out there and those are three things I’m thankful for.

God Bless!


TOP TEN TUESDAY: Currently…

Maddie. So my gorgeous friend Maddie from my theology program lives in a house ten minutes from campus. I have late Monday nights and very early Tuesday mornings, and bussing to school takes over an hour, so she very kindly is letting me stay with her Monday nights. We were gonna study last night but ended up talking for three hours straight. She is one of the strongest, most selfless people I have ever met and God absolutely blessed me with her in my life.

Embassy. So last night Sara and Maddie and I all went to Embassy like usual on our Monday nights and it was amazing as always. This week Brandon’s wife Emma did the sermon and all three of us were definitely moved. It was amazing, and I also had the chance to talk with Emma about her faith and how they got started preaching. I feel like God is really moving in my life.

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The Weeknd. I’m stoked because I’m seeing him in TO in just over a week with Haylie and Chloe! SO exciting.

Laura. Right now, it’s Tuesday morning and I just finished my Spanish tutorial and I’m in the study hall with Starbucks and my beautiful friend Laura. We’ve been friends since we were little but school has brought us so much closer and I adore her. People are truly what make life mean anything.

Starbucks. Speaking of Starbucks, I got so many gift cards for my birthday! I’ve been enjoying soy cappuccinos without the guilt of overspending ;).

Theology Courses. As I keep repeating, all of my theology lectures are unreal. A three hour Spanish lecture feels like double a three hour theology lecture and I feel so blessed that my program simply feels so right.

MJ. There’s a guy at the Embassy named MJ who has gone out of his way to get to know me and talk to me about my faith and my non-denominational views and I feel so blessed to have been having more of these types of conversations over the past few months than I have in my lifetime.

Friends. I have seen every single episode of this show by the time I was like 12, but it never gets old and it’s definitely tied with Grey’s as my favourite. Whenever I get truly free time, which is rare, I often watch an episode.

Work. I’ve been feeling so good and strong and like I’m moving up at work lately which is awesome, in both my dance job and my hostessing job! I love what I do and I love being around people.

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Michelle. Speaking of people, another girl in my theology lectures, Michelle, just ran into me as I’m sitting here. She’s such a light, and she, Maddie, Bethany, Mary and I are going out for dinner and to the gym before class tomorrow.

Talk with Sara. Sunday night, Sara and I went to take fall pictures for a beautiful walk in Huron Natural Area, and then sat in her car for hours drinking tea and eating pitas, having a much needed– I think for both of us– heart to heart. I love this person.

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Halloween Costumes. I can’t remember if I told you or not, but Daniella and I have been planning on being salt and pepper for Halloween, but now her boyfriend, his best friend, and our other friend Josh want in, so we’re probably gonna be the cast of Grease and go all out. I’m so excited to party this weekend.

Lots of people mentioned today and I could write paragraphs and paragraphs about so many more. The thing is that there’s good in everyone. And everyone has so much to teach and enrich.

Anyways that’s my rambling for the day and I should be studying! God Bless.

MOTIVATION MONDAY: We Are Uniquely and Intricately Beautiful

An overweight woman eats a full pizza for dinner. A judgemental woman near her whispers, “No wonder she’s so big. How unhealthy.”

A quite thin woman eats a full pizza for dinner. The same judgemental woman says, “It’s quite normal and healthy to be eating that much. Food is fuel and balance is key.”

Many of us have the very wrong perception that what we eat and how much we eat is what makes us fat. This is not true.

While yes, anorexia caused me to lose a lot of weight, and yes, my night binges (tens of thousands of calories) contributed to my being “overweight,” our bodies are not computers. They run off calories, not numbers.  Our bodies use pizza to fuel it. Our bodies will take those calories and utilize them. Our bodies are smart.

“Overweight BMIs” are caused by one of three things:

  1. Genetics. It’s true, we all have different body types. When I was underweight, I still had larger hips than anything else. My bone structure didn’t change, and neither did my body’s location preference for fat storage. A person who is naturally “overweight” may have eaten the exact same foods and amounts every day of their lives as a person who is naturally “underweight.” We all need to eat to survive, just like movement is healthy for all of us– movement is not to be approached as a method of burning calories, as again, our bodies are not computers. It is true what they tell you: you are beautiful the way you are because God created you that way.
  2. Binge Eating Disorder. This disorder is misdiagnosed far too often. A person with Binge Eating Disorder eats at least 4 times a week on top of a 2000-3000 calorie per day diet in excess (tens of thousands of calories). Emotional eating is not binging, it’s eating. Eating a few brownies for no reason in particular is not binging. Note the differences. This kind of excess of food from a disorder that is very rare can cause a person to gain weight beyond their natural body.
  3. Medication. Some drugs can obviously alter the body’s natural weight, though still not to such excess, likely, but again, this is unnatural alteration.

The point of this post is not to lay out a million statistics about weight. It is to confirm that you are okay, just as you are. You are beautiful just as you are. You are trying and in this moment, you are okay. 

Blessings for a beautiful week! 

MY THOUGHTS THURSDAY: Get Up and Go

Hi All!

Here’s something about me: I don’t procrastinate. Well, I don’t procrastinate in a lot of ways. Definitely not on homework, or birthday gifts, or figuring things out. I’ve found a way to stay organized in those ways that is now impossible for me to break.

But there are some things, I’ve realized lately, that I do procrastinate on. Some of them have been nagging me for months:

Getting my G1 license. I’m 18 and don’t have it yet. I really need to do this, but I’m afraid of falling it.

Calling my Therapist. It’s been a few weeks since I last saw her, and I haven’t called to make an appointment. Honestly, I think I’m afraid, because when we talk it’s, of course, about some of the things that make me most anxious in the world, and I stress so much.

Talking to a Friend. I have a friend who has been so for years that I have betrayed in a way I can’t even live with myself. I constantly pray about what to do with this situation. I have been for months. It has been this horrible little bruise welling inside of me every day and it’s made me cold toward a lot of people and yet I can’t bring myself to right this wrong. It’s selfish and horrible.

So yeah, I procrastinate in a lot of big ways. For one thing, its impossible for me to not be busy. I am busy all of the time, whether I’m working or catching up with a friend of blogging or studying or going out, I’m always on the move and I thrive on this. But in the end, socializing and being around friends and having that connection is so so vital. Even if you feel burnt out when you could be out doing something, while it’s okay and perfectly good sometimes to take a break, it always feels better than you think it will to get out and have that contact. God speaks to us through others, remember.

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Have yourselves a fantastic weekend! Time is flying. Xx

WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY: Breaking Out of Routine

Ah I really don’t know if I’m emotionally prepared for all that is want to get out in this post so bear with me.

Breakfast. So for breakfast I had a new cereal, this cinnamon buckwheat stuff, with peanut butter, almond milk, sliced banana, and blueberries. Sooooo good. I ate it while surfing instagram with some tea in my new mug before work.

IMG_20151019_102050Lunch. Work was really good today; it was just one of those good days. I felt like I did my job well, socialized a lot with customers and my co-workers, it was just good. Midway through my shift I ate a dry piece of whole wheat toast. One of my favourite cooks named Sheena always makes my oatmeal for me, and she calls me Mermaid Hair. She is honestly such a doll and makes my day. She inspires me to make others’ days.

Anyway, Sheena made me oatmeal with berries for lunch before I rushed for the bus to school.

IMG_20151014_142527Snack. I stopped outside Booster Juice to pick up a quest bar, knowing I needed more food and more variety. It hit the spot! I ate it on my walk to the seminary, where Maddie, Bethany, Mary, Rodney and I ran our second worship service, which was beautiful. We led discussions on how God calls us every day, and it was so personal for me. Throughout the service, as I often find myself doing in church, I was counting calories. So specifically, too. Thinking about food. Fearing so strongly that little wafer dipped in wine that I would have to eat in a bit. God stopped me short every time and said PRAY. Focus on me and stop listening to this worldly disorder who knows nothing. I prayed to the God that I love and stomped on the eating disorder that I don’t.

Dinner. Maddie, Bethany and I hadn’t finished our readings for our 7pm lecture, so we read and talked and laughed over dinner. I picked up a new salad from Starbucks, which was really good!

IMG_20151021_180758Snack. Class was awesome, as always. This is definitely my favourite class of the week! I asked a lot of my big questions tonight and got so many answers, but I think I’ll save all that for a thoughts post, maybe tomorrow! Katrina drove me home and as always we laughed and blasted country music the whole way. She is an awesome person. I am currently snacking on some oatmeal with peanut butter and cacao powder and blueberries as it was all the sounded good right now.

Awesome day! Blessed and grateful and feel like my food intake has improved, though I know it still needs to be higher. God Bless always!

TOP TEN TUESDAY: Meaningful Moments

In the past little bit I have reflected a lot on what makes life meaningful. The only common answer is that people, getting to know individuals, is key. We can easily live our lives day in and day out, exhausted. But think. When you were a little kid, you wanted a job. Now that you have a job, maybe you’re bored of it. Find a way to make that job awesome. Give everyone a smile. Be not only courteous but compassionate. Reach out and reach higher in everything. Here are my top ten meaningful moments of the past few days.
Embassy Last Night. Sammy and her friend Courtney came with Sara, Maddie and I this week to Embassy and loved it. Without asking Sammy to go, she showed huge interest and now wants to come every week. It was another amazing service.
Greys Anatomy with Fam. I had a bit of free time a few nights ago and asked my parents if they would watch the Greys episode where Derek dies, even though they’re not that far yet, and they agreed and cried.
Ice Cream Cake at Turtle Jacks. Throughout my birthday dinner, milkshakes were flung in my face and dairy jokes were told left right and center. The cherry on top was when the waiter brought out an ice cream dessert and everyone sang happy birthday. We all laughed till we cried.
Heart-To-Heart with Sam. I spent in the first few hours of my birthday lying in my bed with Sam, talking about life and making this crazy metaphor about Dr Seuss and laughing till we peed. I couldn’t imagine a better birthday.CRfrUFUWEAAWhcK
Drives with Sara. Sara kindly drives me home from the embassy each week, and since she lives in Hamilton, we catch up and talk about everything and help each other and blast country music and it is amazing and perfect. IMG_20151017_230008
Gift from Daniella. Daniella and I can’t go more than a few days without seeing each other, but every time we get together we share in, “How long has it been? Two days? It feels like a year.” She wrote me a beautiful card for my birthday and got me a framed photo of us, a candle with a friendship quote, a scarf, and a the prettiest mug. None of that stuff matters, obviously, but our friendship does. It is something I could not live without.
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Cards from Fam. My two sisters both wrote me the most beautiful, sweet letters and my pile of cards is just growing. I have an obsession with homemade cards.
Uni Girls Coming to My Dinner. It was so so awesome to have Maddie, Bethany, and Mary celebrating my birthday with me. Having them at my dinner, these people I already feel so close to with so many of my other loved ones meeting them was so cool.
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Chloe and Her Boy. So CHLOE brought her bae to my dinner and I could not shut up about how great they are together. The way they looked at each other, the way their conversations seemed to flow… Chloe deserves this so so much. Do you know those friends? She is simply amazing.
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Full Circle– Training at Work. After over a year of working at Cora, I am now training a new hostess! It’s kind of rewarding in a way, and it feels like just yesterday I was being trained. The new girl is such a sweet person too.