I have done a huge amount of thinking about eating disorders and recovering from them. Believe me, I have researched every possible article, essay, and talk on opinions about recovering from these deadly, brutal mental illnesses. In my opinion, so much of recovery has to come from the one who is sick.
In my experience, family based treatment does no good for eating disorders. My Maudsley approach isolated ME from my family, rather than isolating my eating disorder. I felt angry and frustrated throughout that year, but I did learn a lot about what needed to be done.
I started seeing an individual therapist in September of 2014 and am still seeing her. This has been exceptionally helpful and I attribute her to much of the progress I’ve made. I’ve also learned that all of hardships have still been stepping stones, and I am grateful still for all the hard times.
Still, though, when new situations come into my life that make me feel out of control, I really struggle with them and they often trigger me into lapses, such as now. My fear is that one of these day I could reach a full blown relapse.
What is real recovery? And why does it still plague me? Why is this often so challenging, I feel stuck and unreachable?
Sometimes my own thoughts make me crazy. But I’ve learned that the real answer is to keep going. To make yourself want recovery even when you think you don’t. To know that there is more to life than clouds even when you simply can’t fathom it. Yes, it’s a mental illness, and sometimes we just can’t think that way. I will continue to seek out new recovery treatments for the rest of my life until I believe there’s a more solid form. For now I’m thinking out loud for the rest of you.
Do forgive me that my thoughts are a bit messy.