faith, freedom, food


Hey guys! Happy Monday!
And it is a happy Monday. Mostly.
I just got in from an exhausting therapy session. I shed a lot of tears, to be quite honest. I released so much pain that I’ve held in, leading me to write a post about happiness.
IMG_20150528_204550I can tell you that now, overall, I am genuinely happy. I am grateful beyond belief for the life that I have, and the incredible people in it.
When I was deep within my anorexia, my foggy, malnourished brain convinced me that what I felt was happiness. My days were spent at home, lying in bed, pacing my room, exercising in the middle of the night. My brain was unfed and so I couldn’t even think straight or properly.

A photo from my now-public instagram, cassiescookery
A photo from my now-public instagram, cassiescookery

Once I started recovery, and my brain was fed, I could have conversations with people again. I could listen to them without thinking about food. I was no longer a walking zombie. It was terrifying and incredible all at the same time. I used my instagram account as a way to make food feel safe and for me to take ownership and control of what I ate. I think it was a good decision.
I will definitely do a blog series about how I recovered, but for now, I want to talk about how I motivated myself to true happiness. This is relevant to anyone!
Humor. Learning to laugh at what scared me really, really helped. I still struggle with eating unmeasured food, particularly peanut butter. Learning to look at that in a normal and funny way helped me to rationalize that fear.
It sounds crazy, but laughing at your fears works.
It sounds crazy, but laughing at your fears works.

Prayer. Prayer is, in my opinion and experience, the answer to anything. Did you a fantastic day? Pray. Did you hsve a crappy day? Pray. Are you carrying a heavy load? Pray. It doesn’t matter who you are, or whether you’ve ever spoken to God in your life. He loves you and he wants to hear from you.
Therapy. If you don’t have access to a therapist, I strongly suggest finding ways to get in touch with the root of your feelings and struggles, because there is one, and you cannot heal unless it’s acknowledged and dealt with. I went into therapy today and ended up talking about things I never would have dreamed I’d discuss, but all very relevant to my disorder.
Loved Ones. People with eating disorders I’m particular are notorious for thinking of every possible reason that they are undeserving, of practically anything. When I’ve had those thoughts, such as, She deserves to eat but I don’t, I ask myself, what would that friend of family member say to me if I thought that way aloud?
I care so, so much about Sara and how she's doing. I know it's very positive when she's eating lots and thinking positively, and I remind myself that she wants the same for me.
I care so, so much about Sara and how she’s doing. I know it’s very positive when she’s eating lots and thinking positively, and I remind myself that she wants the same for me.

These are just some things that I have done to motivate myself when I sometimes think that I was “happier” when I spent my days isolated, fearing social gatherings, and thinking about calories and measurements. Sounds like a blast, right?
Wrong. I know YOU don’t think it does. And if you told me that’s what you spent your days doing, I’d rant away and tell you you deserved happiness.
I know you’d do the same for me so yeah, I deserve happiness, too.

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