Frustrated is my word of choice. I am overwhelmingly frustrated. I’ve read every blog post about hypothalamic amenorrhea. I’ve spent months eating as much as my insides could take without exploding and remaining sedentary. Then I’ve tried adding in light exercise, eating high high fat […]
Here’s what they don’t tell you about eating disorders: They’re usually pretty innocent at first. An endeavour to “be healthier.” When my restrictive illness first developed when I was fifteen, I never would have considered that I might still be terrified of white flour and […]
Food rules stopped ruling my life.
If you are in a similar position to what I was for many years, you have stumbled upon this post in a desperate search for a “reason” to recover, and peace about your worries. In that case, be sure to read this blog post first. The only peace that could ever satisfy my worries was “humbling myself under the care of my Lord” (1 PETER 5:6).
The devil had certainly lied to me, planting distractions about what “would surely happen” if I wasn’t aligned to food rules, and the untruth in these lies is not what is my focus at all, but their untruth serves as a testimony to the destruction of idolizing food rules, or anything that distracts from Jesus.
From head to toe…
My hair stopped falling out. It used to fall out in clumps, but is now healthier and stronger than ever.
My brain cleared up. I used to have a minute attention span, and struggle to listen attentively because I was so undernourished and my brain just thought about food. Now, food is the last thing on my mind unless I’m hungry or creating a recipe– and then, it’s “on my mind” in a totally different way.
Since you died with Christ to the elemental spiritual forces of this world, why, as though you still belonged to the world, do you submit to its rules: “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? These rules, which have to do with things that are all destined to perish with use, are based on merely human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence. COLOSSIANS 2:20-23
My skin is healthier. My skin used to look greenish in colour, all around unhealthy, and there is now colour in my face.
I maintain my weight without thinking about it. What is “weight?” Our bodies are so incredible because they were designed for God, as His temples, and they need to be nourished to work for Him, to be fueled. My body does not by default want to store tons of fat or be bigger than it was created to be, but I just don’t think about this anymore. I trust God with my body, not for my sake, but for His.
I don’t get bloated 24/7. Maybe TMI, but the skewed food rules I thought were so intelligent used to often make me bloated and uncomfortable– probably because I was consuming an unhealthy amount of raw vegetables constantly. Simply drinking when I’m thirsty; eating when I’m hungry; I notice the incredible change in my body without that being the focus whatsoever.
I have energy! I teach dance in a newly energetic way; I love moving because it is so amazing to not be dizzy; I have energy to laugh and engage and run. Hiking with Daniella last week has been a highlight of that energy used for God’s glory.
My legs are stronger. There was a time that my knees buckled when I stood up. I don’t like thinking back on that time of allowing the devil to convince me weakness was a strength, but I know now that God calls me to strength for His plans.
Cooking and Eating are Totally Different– So That They are Not the Focus. I still smile when I spoon peanut butter out of the jar without levelling it off in a measuring spoon first, or enjoy my mo’ms dinners without asking how much oil went into her pans, or accept samples from store vendors and partake in coffee tastings at work.
My life is His. I don’t cancel plans because I’m afraid food will be involved. I don’t refuse food at gatherings only to think and plan what I will be eating instead later. What pride and how sad this makes me. If you are reading this and relating to the ill mannered thoughts and ways, I pray that the Lord would open your eyes and that you would receive His Truth in this matter as He sees fit.
Happy Tuesday! Last night, I had dinner at Kathryn’s house with her family, Jess, and Maddie. Kathryn’s dinner plate prepared for her by her mom, I was struck with remembrance of when this was me in my family-based recovery. Sometimes I feel there is a […]
Good Evening all!
Tired is an understatement right now. I’m exhausted… But also so full of life and joy!
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus. COLOSSIANS 3:17
This morning I woke at 5:30 in order to have enough time for a solid breakfast and Bible study before my busy day! My study was in James, and my breakfast was delicious– I blended frozen mangoes with cacao and topped it with hot oatmeal, peanut butter, and puffed kamut. I also had extra puffed kamut with blueberries and almond milk on the side.
My first shift was at my own Starbucks location, and it was great. I love being on drive thru during our peak period and love any chance to interact with customers. On my break, I drank a venti soy cappuccino. And at the end of my shift, I had an amazing conversation with a co worker named Shae. I am blessed to feel so comfortable and be working with such genuinely wonderful people.
I had an hour between my morning shift and my next shift at a Chapters Starbucks, a location I love working at. I went to pick up my house key and then rushed to the next shift. There is something about the book store atmosphere and the smaller store that is so homey and makes interacting with customers feel so natural. I had such genuine and flowy conversation with basically every single customer and saw a lot of smiles! The day flew by and I felt so blessed. On my break, I had a venti soy cold brew coffee and a plain bagel for lunch.
After work, I had yet another soy cold brew, but this time with a pump of mocha.
Krystal picked me up from work at 5:45 and we drove around for a while before picking up dinner at Freshii, a two minute walk from my new house. I had what’s called their superfood soup, which is just broth, quinoa, and a ton of veggies.
Tonight I got to have Krystal, and my two beautiful friends from dance Kara and Laura over to see the house and catch up with them. They were so wonderful, sharing in my enthusiasm and delighting with me, and Laura even brought me a welcoming gift. In all of today I have felt so much love and genuine generosity, and reckon this quality as such a gift.
When I came home– home as in my parents’ house, and tonight is my last night sleeping here– I had a couple baby potatoes and a pickle for an odd snack. I’m getting all the rest of my things ready for tomorrow and very ready to hit the hay!
Thanking my Lord for a beautiful day… And praying into tomorrow that we are ever pleasing and serving Him.
Good morning, friends! Today I want to share some segments of my novel as I’ve spent the larger part of the morning writing before I head out with some friends. Brother and Sister. THEY ARRIVED AT THE apartment, and Jeremy knew neither he nor Cheryl […]
Gooooooood evening! Let’s see if I can finish up this blog before midnight 😜
How has everyone’s day been? I’ve had a wonderful one. Did a study in Hosea, went shopping with my beautiful friend Laura, a wonderful five hour evening shift at Starbucks, and worked a while on my Women Studies Essay. Prayed often, praised often, wore my heart and spirit on my sleeve by the grace of Jesus.
At one point today, I was thinking a lot about Ed vs. Reality, and how, by genuinely the sole grace and revelation of the Lord my spirit and brain have come to know the reality of food: it’s a blessing, it’s okay to eat, and healthy food is important. This reality is a lot different from the warped images my eating disorder often fills me brain with. There were many years that I was so ill with the enemy, I couldn’t tell the difference between that reality of God’s purpose for food and those voices. Now, simply because I’ve fully accepted Christ as my Saviour, He continually puts on my heart the reality of food as His intended source of fuel.
When I was first recovering from anorexia, my mom was told to refeed me without any input from me on the food. When I literally refused to eat certain things she served me and cried for hours on end in front of things like bagels, pasta, burgers, etc., my mom called the clinic and asked what to do. They said to keep going– eventually I would eat. I couldn’t leave the chair till I did. There would be consequences, etc. It became so tiring though, and I would plead for my mom to let me eat things like kidney beans– plain– for a snack, cook meats separately for me to ensure no oil or seasonings, measure out my pastas, etc.
That was three years ago. Today, there are few foods I haven’t conquered, although there are still foods I have a difficult time eating. But I realized today: I have a sense of what I like and dislike, because Ed does still tell me I should be eating rice rather than oats because rice has less fat, I should limit nut butters to 2 Tbsp per day, I should eat more protein, etc., and I often, very often, am able to repel these voices by putting on the full armour of Christ– ie. allowing Him to work.
I also realized, though, how much of a habit I have of focusing on calories rather than nutrients, while the only type of advice I’d give to others is to pay attention only to macros and micros. For example, It is important and intended for our bodies to get more than one type of vegetable, but because I am can easily count the calories in raw cucumber and carrots, my Ed has in the past convinced me to eat only these and avoid the whole plethora of other veggies I enjoy, and that have their own benefits of micronutrients that I am passionate about and see so much beauty in. My getting energy from the same “safe” foods every day actually makes me quite sad, and I know that living this way is only a means the devil still has a hold, which I, and Jesus, are not okay with. I know He won’t leave me as I am, and His putting this on my heart to take and pray on has been really cool.
So I’m gonna talk more about this Ed vs. Reality thing, because, for those with eating disorders, you know the peace in speaking aloud about the reality of food.
Meanwhile and always,
For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings. HOSEA 6:6
“But can one ‘trust more?’ I think it’s either you trust or you don’t.” –Josee Yesterday, Johnny and I followed our spirits to Josee Foster, a beautiful woman of God, to her home in Scugog, Ontario. I found Josee’s blog months ago on my own surfing WordPress […]