Here’s what they don’t tell you about eating disorders: They’re usually pretty innocent at first. An endeavour to “be healthier.” When my restrictive illness first developed when I was fifteen, I never would have considered that I might still be terrified of white flour and […]
My Sweet, special sister, 18 never looked so beautiful. My sweet pea, you have such a fiercely loving heart. You have always had this beautiful compassion for people that translates to the way you interact with people. I have watched you feel so deeply and […]
My Wednesdays look like rest this semester.
Like, actually. I mean, I do homework as needed, and I do my work from home (freelance writing projects and blog work), but this is about it. I have learned what rest is to me, and sometimes it looks like seeing friends, other times it needs to look like doing very little.
I always thought growing meant movement. Growth must equate to a “go-go-go” lifestyle, right?
Well, after a year of full-time uni, working three jobs, volunteering, and facing physical health issues, I have finally begun to learn that growth looks like synchronization with Jesús… which certainly doesn’t demand our doing fifty things at once.
In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat— for he grants sleep to those he loves. Psalm 127:2
It wasn’t until I went to Jesus to pray over some of these things in my life I saw as ministries that I realized I had become a slave to arbitrary laws surrounding them rather than seeking His will in them.
And, simply put, I am not capable of seeking His will whilst doing well in school and maintaining a personal relationship with Christ, nor am I called to. So while I left my this last year of university feeling like I had performed mediocrely, Jesus said I’ve never loved you on a basis of your performance, or how many things you can do at once. I simply love you, and I want to shine that love through you: energetic, called, and equipped Cassie.
I have always stood firmly by the belief that intentional relationships should trump experiences. I care deeply about the people in my life, and believe that compassion is at the heart of who our Lord is.
And compassion can surely be the initial reason for taking on a role of any kind, but it doesn’t necessarily sustain. And when it’s not His Spirit sustaining, that’s when productivity replaces passion, and results replace relationships.
I found myself dictated by stringent schedules and worldly standards, skipping my time at my Father’s feet and convinced outwardly that I didn’t need that time.
I’d love to say that I’ve found this perfect rhythm in which the Holy Spirit guides my every word and step, but I would be lying. But I certainly have been convicted that nothing of true worth can be done without Him.
So today, sleeping in, spending time catching up with Maddie and going to the gym with her, treating myself to a peaceful lunch, meeting with my friend and co-worker Dayna for coffee to catch up on life and work, looking forward to a slow night at home watching Masterchef… I recognize that I need this, because it’s in the spaces that I am not trying to fill that I recognize that my desire to fill spaces often comes from a place of fear.
But I need to rest to be equipped to serve.
I need to be filled up by Him in moments of silence and stillness in order to physically move.
So movement and growth, I’ve discovered, can look like what the world might call a step back.
Much of today’s musings are inspired by a wonderful message preached by Pastor Mike Rutledge at Risen City church yesterday, where Jesus met me in my own worries, stress, and anxieties and revealed newness to me as His Spirit does, starting when I so loudly […]
Long time no blog. I have missed sitting to write. How I feel my soul has been needing to sit and let the words flow in pen and paper. Or, more accurately, finger tip and keyboard.
And, friends, this song share is my theme song right now.
I want to start this post off by acknowledging a prayer from the hearts of one of my dearest friends, Josee.
I haven’t even gotten back to this precious girl yet. But Josee left me a voicemail with a prayer. It was timely, as is Josee’s way. It’s Jesus’ way. And Josee prayed over my desire to be with Jesus, that He would increase that desire and increase my capacity to hear from Him.
Since that prayer, Jesus has done just that, as He faithfully does. And in the midst of some of the biggest and most drastic changes of my life (new church, Johnny heading back to school and soccer, new house, less roommates, one of my best friends married, last year of uni, new jobs), I have recognized both my own complacency and fear.
But He’s stilled me. As I’ve tried to fill fears with things
— some tangible some imaginary —
He has called me to be still.
It’s been uncomfortable.
My identity has been brought into question.
If I’m not
the thinnest, the kindest, the best cook, the best writer, the leader,
what am I?
If I’m not
constantly perfecting my craft,
who am I?
If I’m not
living in my beautiful relationship with Johnny,
what is my worth?
It’s these ugly questions I’ve had to confront as my mind has wanted to keep soooo busy in the thick of all this change and chaos. I maxed out my booty at the gym, planned out every detail of the perfect new house, perfected all my agendas, completed a bunch of tasks for work, prepped my school notebooks– all things that have needed to be done, but all as a means of distracting myself from underlying
f e a r .
I have always felt I dealt well with change. But maybe it’s because my “dealing” is in busybodying. Which looks great to the world… but sometimes, we all just need to cry.
Most importantly, we all need to bring any identity we conjure up to the foot of the cross, that Jesus might be made our everything. King of hearts, in His rightful place.
Jesus, help me not to walk in my own way, to fill my life with meaninglessness, but to put all my trust in You. Lord, help me to know my True and Real identity in You. Might I not fear, Lord, but know the power that You have in me, and the relationship you desire to have with me at all times. May my joy be complete in You, so that I can do YOUR works, and not the world’s works.
God, would you show yourself to all of us who think things or people or health or knowledge or talents will satisfy or improve our lives. Reveal Your eternal plan of love and joy to Your people, Lord.
Jesus, I repent of my turning from You. Lord, help me to live in harmony with You, and not in worry or fear. Help me to know that You are constant in the change. You never change, and I can’t wrap my head around that sacrificial love, Lord. Thank-you for filling me up so vibrantly right now, Lord.
One of these beautiful changes has been the wedding of one of my dear best friends, Beth.
Beth and Jared live to serve Jesus. They are clearly called for ministry, and whatever that ends up looking like, I know that He will use them for such glory, and I simply cannot wait to watch Him continue to work out their story. It was simply a classy, beautiful, Jesus-filled wedding like none other.
And as I reflect on this “Jesus-filled”…
Lord, You see me. You know me. And You love me, through and through.
(How, we think? How, with all our ugly and pride and gossip and sin?)
Jesus’ unconditional love is purposed to be perfected in His people. And I see it, in all its glory, in the wedding of Beth and Jared.
I see His love in my Johnny, who left for the start of His final year at Providence University College.
I am so filled with pride for him and his hard work, determination, love for people, and expectation of Jesus’ goodness and faithfulness. Jesus, use Johnny for all Your glory. Surprise him. Love him and strengthen him.
Until we meet again, my love.
Being apart is hard. It’s easy to wallow in missing, in “craving,” in melancholy. But I know far too well the calling God has for us to live out this time of distance for Him, and that is exactly what we will do. Pressing into Him, trusting Him, grabbing hold of Him, extra-intentionally reaching out to each other, too. This is a beautiful opportunity to invest in our communication for life.
In the midst of such a tearful goodbye has also been some beautiful reunions.
Like those with my beautiful friend and past roomie Autumn; one my dearest brothers, Kevin; my precious friend Sarah, from Creekside; and one of my best friends from high school and her boyfriend, Sammy and Tanner.
I made a tried and true breakfast recipe of mine for a couple of these friends: PB&J Breakfast Cake.
PB&J Breakfast Cake
(recipe for one serving)
1/3 cup oats
1 egg white
1 Tbsp sugar or stevia
1 Tbsp coconut cream or regular cream
1 Tbsp almond milk or other milk
1 Tbsp coconut oil
1 Tbsp peanut butter
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp vanilla
1 Tbsp berry protein powder
2 Tbsp hot water
Whipped topping and berries, to serve
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a small ovenproof baking dish.
- In blender place oats, egg white, sugar, cream, milk, oil, peanut butter, baking powder, salt, and vanilla, and blend about 30 seconds, or until fully incorporated. Pour into prepared dish.
- Bake 18-20 minutes, or until inside is cooked, and edges are golden brown.
- Meanwhile, mix protein powder and hot water in small dish. When cake is cooled, poke holes in top of cake. Pour protein powder mixture over top.
- Top with whipped cream and berries. Eat warm or cold; mix up and serve like cereal with milk, if desired! Soooo yummy.