Attitude and Altitude: What Is Filling Me Up?
Today I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. My head and heart and spirit have been whirring and I’ve been praying and Jesus granted me lots of awesome people to talk with and engage these thoughts with throughout the day which is cool, but I’ve been itching to blog too.
Today began slow and beautiful for me. Wednesdays are sleep-in day. It’s the one day in the week– besides the occasional Saturday– that no alarm is set. Wednesday mornings, because I don’t have class until 2:30, I’ve been allowing myself to sleep until whenever my body desires.
This morning that was until 11am. Glorious.
When I did finally awake at this oh-so-almost-afternoon hour, I answered texts and emails, and then spent my time in the Word.
When I finished my last personal Bible study, I prayed about what to study next. And God was really putting on my heart that it wasn’t going to be a “routine,” all organized, laid out plan of a Bible study. I’ve tended to idolize and obsess over routine and structure in the past, and I’ve learned that focusing on the structure can prevent from my attention to the Holy Spirit. This can turn Bible Study into a thing to check off the to-do list. Not okay.
Rather, Bible study is where I do my most important and everlasting growing; the Bible is the first place to get Truth and instruction and guidance.
So, I settled on my Bible study being just reading the Bible with Jesus. From beginning to end. No expectations. This has led to searching some commentaries; to lots of prayer; to referencing other studies and versions. I’m just over a month in and now 10 chapters into Exodus, reading about the plagues God sends over the Egyptians as Moses is working according to God to free his people from slavery. I know this story well from watching The Prince of Egypt probably a dozen times as a kid, but reading the Word of God is a whole different story.
Moses replied, “It will be as you say, so that you may know there is no one like the Lord our God. EXODUS 7:10
What a reminder from Moses, in the midst of the Lord performing miraculous signs for the sake of his people knowing He is their God– there is no one like our God, nothing satisfying as His Truth; nothing else True.
And so the second I turn to my phone, opening myself up to whatever might be on Facebook; the second I go into the world, opening myself up to whatever other messages might try to impose themselves as “True;” I ask Jesus to guard my heart. To direct me in HIS Truth, and to make me more like Him.
I’m thinking about that when I head out of my room to make my favourite breakfast– a giant chocolate peanut butter smoothie on top of oatmeal, of course with coffee. Mary is doing homework, and we decide to watch the new This is Us episode. And I cry, again.
I get to see Maddie, too, before heading to school, and am overwhelmed in so much joy and gratitude in the fact that I get to live with these amazing, Jesus-loving girls. I express it to Maddie and we’re laughing and talking about our days before I head to class.
Johnny and I are texting about seeing each other soon, too, and just about how “done” we are with distance. In one of those moments of struggling. Where I just want to sit in my missing him and be sad about it.
But Jesus reminds me how much He’s growing us, strengthening us and our communication, and making us more like Him.
Classes are good, and I’m drawn by a conviction about the pursuit of human connection. In this age of social interaction being so much done in front of screens, allowing ourselves to be susceptible to any sort of notion of truth; to opportunities to compare one’s body to images of bodies that are all photoshopped; to compare one’s life to other lives that are all idealized snapshots that don’t represent even the truth of one’s life let alone truth PERIOD… all of this was going on in my head, and I just looked for opportunities to talk to the people around me. And God gave them to me with some fellow students, which was so cool.
My paper for one of the classes featured a thesis that was literally about the way our expectancy can have such an impact on the outcome of a situation. If we’re expectant of goodness, of success whether it looks like what we picture it will or not, we experience joy and trust in God. He grants this expectancy, and just asks us to have faith.
And so, at Youth tonight, when I had amazing conversations with my co-leaders about what we’re exposing ourselves to and guarding our hearts from social media, perseverance in our time in the Word, and when the message was on advice/mentorship/where we are getting leadership from, I thanked the Lord that He spoke so clearly to me through these conversations, changing me for the better, and hopefully preparing me to work through me to help others, too.
I also had two “mentor-like” conversations with two of my amazing co-leaders about long distance dating– one who is currently in a long-distance relationship and who felt my struggle but also admonished the opportunity it is to have a Christ-centered long distance relationship; and one who has been happily married for seven years, now with a child, who did long distance for four years with his wife while they were dating, and spoke about its beautiful ripple effect in their marriage now.
Thank-you, Lord Jesus, for meeting me where I’m at in order to serve You better. Make me more patient; eager to expose myself to what is of You and of service to You; eager to help others. Amen.