I am confused as to where I am in this place of recovery from eating disorders. Whatever that word “recovery” means. I think that is very different in a worldly, doctorly context than it is in a Kingdomly one which is all I really care about. Maybe not so different.
I’m unsure.
Realistically, I talk a lot about these disorders as though I’m very sure but maybe I need to be vulnerable again and accept help. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I am in a good place. I have pretty good energy levels and feel mostly myself, and happy. It’s only in those periods when I’m not busy and am left in my own thoughts that I feel anxious or like breaking down. 
I pray. 
What would you tell Kathryn?
Oh my word, Id tell her to accept the help. School can wait. She doesn’t want to spend another second, minute, year in this disorder. 
But me, oh my brain thinks entirely differently on the terms of me. And in a way that’s selfless, and in another way that’s entirely selfish and almost prideful. 
This disorder is not of my God.
My God has not forsaken me but saved me. Already. The victory is already won. In Him sin is put to death. 

Praying on this very truth that is earth-shattering, I ate this delicious breakfast bowl this morning of all that I was craving. I had a really good, necessary chat with my mom. I ate beef and pasta today. I drank coffee with soy milk in it. 
I also spent 6 hours on a killer essay that’s probs only worth about a 78, but we’ll hope for the best. 
And I felt on my heart, in the midst of all of it, in the midst of waiting in the all-too-familiar doctor’s office today and in the anxiety I got when I talked to my mom about the disorder and in thinking about my beautiful friendship with Kathryn and what makes it beautiful– similar to my friendship with beautiful Sara Ryan, and with my cousins who suffer with anorexia– is that I can give the disorder power so easily even just in blogging about its existence. I certainly don’t think I shouldn’t talk about my struggles, but only insofar as they pertain to Christ’s forever and already-won victory. 
This blog may look a bit different in terms of how personal it gets with the disorder, as in saying this I’ve felt some conviction in how much weight has been put on it. This is all good, as conviction is good for the Lord and so I’m so joyful about it! Continuing to pray on it and always welcoming discernment from others. 
Maybe the fact that my mental and physical health is something I have no clarity on right now is proof in itself that I need to be vulnerable. To stop being “the expert” on this. To pause and breathe and die to trying and listen to my family, my friends, doctors, ultimately the Spirit so much that that is my only “action” for a time. 
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.
James 1:22 |

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