If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 1 CORINTHIANS 13:1
As I alluded to on my Instagram, I have spent the past few days remarkably convicted, in two ways:
- I have not dove after His loud and clear call that, Hey Cass, you need some strong mentoring on my Word. I’m the strongest and most important you’ll ever get, but you need to listen to Me.
- I have not obeyed His loud and clear call to eat without restriction– for almost eight years I have ignored this voice.
In an hour-long stalk, I came across this fantastic post from MackMarie. Check out her blog– it’s beautiful.
Of course, I prayed. For forgiveness and wisdom and protection from more of the devil’s schemes. For courage and strength to obey and to trust. For faith in what is Scriptural fact.
And of course, the Lord answered in exceptional ways.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” MATTHEW 7:7
For a moment of a few hours, I had the urge to push the conviction away. God is good and He’ll provide no matter what path I choose. I can go the easy route. I can make this good. Ha!
Certainly, God will step into this the next chapter of my life as His servant no matter what. He has already walked through the rest of my life! But the mistake in my thoughts, the sneaky way of the enemy: I can make this good.
Nope. I can’t. I “tried” for the entirety of my high school career to make “good” my eating disorder. I’ve had thoughts about this year: I’m moving out so I’ll easily be able to just eat like a smoothie for breakfast and chicken for dinner every day and then go to the gym for an hour… I can still pursue Christ and love Him, I’ll just drink tons of tea and water to fill my empty stomach and I can still be who God needs me to be…
Anorexia whispers: If you use this year for healing, you’re so weak. You’re a coward. This is your chance to get so, so skinny. Everyone will be off your back.
If I continue to listen to those voices, I will actually end up in the hospital, maybe worse. I will lose the right to feed myself again. I need to utilize the tools that the Lord has given me to eat properly and show love to the body that needs to be healthy to serve Him.
So firstly in this conviction, yes, I was scared and ready to put it all aside.
But as my day went on, I grew to understand that God had convicted me and wasn’t leaving me that way. I prayed and prayed, for forgiveness and counsel. He gave me clarity and focus at work, and then teaching in His Word and prayer after work.
And He came to teach me a few things. This is what He’s shown me about the coming year.
I need a license. Eating disorders are capable of setting the mind back a bit– but the Lord is more than capable of freeing that bond. I’m late getting my driver’s license and I have guilt in that, but that guilt isn’t of Christ, I know that now. He says, IN TIME, and I have the opportunity to work this year close to home to get it, and hopefully a car.
I’ve never lived on my own. He needs to use me in focus on these life skills this year. A whole year of opportunity to learn to cook the way I’ve always felt called to; grocery shop and clean and take care of a house. Important responsibilities and ones I’m excited about.
I need time with JUST HIM. He’s painted me a picture of long days in the Word, soaking up His goodness and learning as much as I can. Praying and growing closer to Him. Last night He gave me more peace than ever in this: He’s already provided me with a man that I love so much because of his love for the Lord, and Johnny has only and will only continue to be the support and partner I need that leads me back to Him, points me to Christ and desires to see my relationship with Him blooming. This is not a settling form of comfort but a BEAUTIFUL form of comfort and peace that is overwhelming at times.
I get to study lit. I haven’t really delved into English lit yet, and Laurier’s program is good. I am excited to thrive in writing and reading and know this program will provide new opportunities. In addition, my opa, Pastor Brandon, Pastor Mark, and Pastor Wendell all completed their undergrad degrees in majors other than theology– and RECOMMEND doing so. My Masters of Divinity is so important to me, and something I know I’ll pray about with my family and Johnny in attending the school I really feel called to.
I get to build my entrepreneurship. I am SO excited to be writing recipes, delving into the world of food photography and possibly WIAW YouTubing, Vlogging, growing this ever-changing blog and doing so all with the Lord’s leadership. He has provided so much growth in this little corner and I often wonder if it’s something He might call me to pursue in making a living from. While, like I said, He’s certainly called me out and said, You need to eat, He’s also called me out and said, I’ve given you this food passion for a reason. Teach people the beauty of MY Creation of food. Help others to see the importance in physical nourishment in MY name, and not in the name of this WORLD (ie. factory farmed meat, genetically modified and processed “food,” chemical-laden produce). Cook. THRIVE.
I get to thrive in some unfinished business at both of my jobs. My dance teaching career is certainly one that I have not put all of me into yet. The community centre I teach for, the kids there, deserve better than they have received from the leadership in the program, and I feel called to bring all of His love to the program, my teaching, and the children. Also, I’m still freshly a Starbucks barista and working with INCREDIBLE people. Starbucks is a place I feel called to working for perhaps the rest of my university career, but this location too, and my co-workers, I feel God has more for me and to exude through me.
I get to shine His light to those I’ve loved for years. He has done incredible things in my Spirit, much of which is a BECOMING rather than a “Here I am, this is it.” As that grows, I’m excited to see what He has for so many of my relationships– because I know there’s more.
My parents want me to go through with one more year– and I know they’ll have much more respect for me once I’ve done so. Moving out and growing as an independent woman also means respecting and honouring my parents in that they often know better than I do– while of course, Jesus knows BEST. I want to honour them in all that I do and pursuing what I’ve already committed to rather than dropping out is right for this moment.
He may need to use me. While He has shown me that none of this is my responsibility, I am reckoning what may be a desire in His heart to use me for His glory moreso than He has at Laurier. Of course, He through others will always be teaching me, too, and I am excited to see what that looks like.
I know what needs to happen next. I know that this move needs to happen– and I’m so excited for it. I know that Laurier needs to happen– and I don’t know how I feel, but I know I’ll be growing in only Him and He’ll be good. And I know that down the road, I need to JUMP whenever He tells me to. I don’t know what any of this will look like, but He does. And that’s all that matters.