One of the biggest things holding me back from full remission a few years ago was my incessant need to plan what I ate.
Even when I began to learn to eat more normal amounts, My eating disorder catered my life around meals, making sure I could eat at home so the food was “safe,” measured out, and paleo. Every time someone made plans with me, I would have to think about when I would eat and make sure I wouldn’t have to eat out anywhere. Slowly, as Grade 11 transitioned to Grade 12, I grew stronger and my recovery more vigilant. Grade 12, looking back, is full of AMAZING memories, almost every night spontaneous and fun, life-changing, spent with good people, unworried about food for the most part, whereas Grade 11 is foggy with nothing concrete in my memory.

This was a month into my recovery, 10 pounds higher than my low weight. There was a time in which I spent hours taking pictures of my body from different angles. My disorder was so consuming that I weighed myself three to five times daily, took and wrote down measurements three times daily, and “checked the pointiness” of my ribs and hip bones each night. I was so numb and so unknowing of the meaninglessness of my disorder.

And Ed convinced me that such a lifestyle would make me instantly fat, and while I gained a few pounds, it was necessary for my health. Anorexia had caused not only a loss of 75 pounds in mere months, but hair loss, fainting, loss of my period, and loss of my personality. The latter is something I’m still finding again through Christ alone.
At the end of the day, I KNOW and reckon that my trying to plan and configure my day especially based on something as trivial as food is meaningless and absolutely dumb. GOD has a plan which minorly involves taking care of those little needs, but more majorly involves my life of glorifying and honouring Him in all that I do, a vessel through which He works, and this brings joy and Love that are unexplainable. I trust Him and give my disorder to Him each day, that it may be dead and gone.

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